Friday, January 6, 2012

Mommy to Mommy

Hungry?  cranky mommy.
Angry?  irritable mommy.
Lonely?  snappish, tired mommy.
Ill? worthless mommy, not-a-thing gets done and kids watch a lot of movies.
Tired?  cranky-snappish-irritable mommy.
Hormonal and missed a few workouts?  downright homicidal mommy.


I find myself wandering the kitchen in circles cleaning spots and repetitively opening the fridge or eyeballing the pantry contents, I'm hungry, a state I can remedy quickly (and gratefully).
Lonely can be subversive, it's difficult to identify right away. Easily remedied with a phone call or two, possibly a face-to-face with other mommies.
Illness is something only time will cure though, and the household screen serves as a right-good sedative for small people.

Sleepiness is one thing I cannot remedy, not immediately anyway.  It's not as if I can simply go take a nap whenever I might need to, and I certainly can not sleep in.  Fatigue is a related but different creature.  Fatigue creeps in when I'm over-scheduling, stretching myself too thin with additional responsibility volunteering or activities.  Fatigue can overcome more slowly, more insidiously, and sometimes lead into a depression.

Anger is an issue that is also remedied with phone-a-friend venting session---usually.  Other times I find that it isn't anger at all, but rage.  Rage, for me, is directly proportional to lack of self-care.  If I've become to lax around my spiritual, emotional, and physical fitness---or hindered in my care, as with illness---I trip directly to rage when pushed.  Which segues into homicidal mommy, easily linked also to hormones.

Lock jaw, teeth gritting, eyes bulging, colorless thin lips ready to chomp on sweet tear-stained cheeks. It's sometimes barely restrained and connected directly with a learned stoicism, a stoicism bordering on dangerous martyrdom.  When I'm operating from a spiritual and emotional deficit I become "not-so-great-leaning-toward-terrible" mommy.  Sometime these little people demand so much from me, I become so drained that I have nothing left to give.  As sad as it is to admit I sometimes can not bring myself to hug my Littles for deeper fear I might hurt them, it's real.  This confounding ambivalence drives me to balance my personal needs with what my children and family need of me.  When any-mom's needs are not met, reactions are skewed and explode sideways harming innocent bystanders.  That's been my experience.  I've come to realize that emotions are just as intoxicating as other less legal options.  It might feel really good to let fly all sorts of Terrible and Horrendous, sometime I barely realize it's happening until it's too late. But after, there is more emptiness, and I find guilt and much despair.  Growth evidence as I no longer pretend that nothing happened. In my new form I am better at admitting my mistakes and apologizing.  Without changed behavior, apologies mean nothing.   Reacting to poor behavior with more poor behavior isn't loving.  I've nothing to lose by responding while in a thinking state and if I can't find my "thinking state" I may come back to the problem later.

To counteract the cycle, I pray, I meditate, I exercise, I connect and belong...in person.  
I become still, and  know.

It's challenging to alter the pattern, to break the chain, to change the legacy.  It can feel insurmountable, but I am living here in this moment, not all moments at once.  I need only this one moment to begin all moments following.

Pray? graceful mommy full of ease.
Meditate?  peaceful, thoughtful mommy.
Exercise? joyful mommy.
Connection & Belonging? loving mommy.

I am.



edited to add:  my palms sweat and tingle with the real-ness of this post, rigorous honesty is uncomfortable as is putting myself out 'there'

1 comment:

Srta. Cundiff said...

Ada,

What truth and honesty you have written! You are such a strong woman.

I appreciate your willingness to be completely open about motherhood.