This Year

Last year this time we were beginning the search for another place to live, and preparing to file bankruptcy. This year, we've redefined our finances and successfully, and gratefully, been living abundantly.

This year we moved (again), and made firm decision to live in This House for the forseeable future, we are purchasing, and stretching out into the permanence of our decision. Interestingly this material permanence has produced interior growth and shifts.

This year I succeeded in homeschooling my firstborn into reading and the 4 arithmetic processes, then spring came as did the bouncing baby boy, and lots of learning for the Little-Big sister as well as the Big-Big sister.  It became painfully apparent in the fall that homeschooling wasn't serving her, my energetic resources were stretched too thin. The school we enrolled with has been a serendipitous blessing. Her favorite subjects at holiday break are handwork, eurythmy, and spanish.  Observing her this Christmastime, she's grown immensely, the space created with her attendance to Mountain Phoenix has allowed she and I to travel more parallel than crosswise.  With a whole new community to explore and connect with, she and I have had our work cut out for us---for me especially amidst learning the means and methods of brick-and-mortar school.  And I've mourned the change, still do when I come across some curriculum material.  I've fallen in love with her again, she's really a magnificent little person.  She's lost teeth, gained a new kitten and a couple of hermit crabs, gotten her ears pierced, left gymnastics, learned to knit, started soccer and is excited about volleyball.

This year, Little-Big sister, giggly in the middle, has grown into a character of comedy.  While she does push in her 3 year old way, it's been interesting watching her roll into her role.  With a break from her big sister she's grown into her own person bit by bit, has her own community of friends at MHCEC.  Lovely have been the afternoons driving to the pick up line while The Second-born is giggling herself stupid in the backseat making baby brother laugh.  It appears she's about to step up into the preschool room, quite a bit earlier than I ever considered...based on her verbal skills, her ability to use scissors, and dress herself among many other things.

This year, a beautiful baby arrived, he graced us with his presence late May and has been a complete joy.  It must be stated, boys and girls are different from the start.  As soon as he surpassed the first vague interactions, without coercing, steering, or guiding...boys are different than girls.  He has a different personality of course, but I'm noticing, what I surmise, are basic male v. female differences with development and activity and interest.  I find myself studying all little boys more closely, researching this boy-energy.  He's starting to rock, he creeps a bit, and tummy-spins and rolls about the floor loudly babbling his focus or his frustration. Already he has definite opinions about injustices of mommy needing to eat or potty-break. Gratefully he has innate patience when it's necessary to focus my attention on the ridiculous 3 year-old antics.

This year, The Man and I have succeeded in moving the household, straightening out and recommitting our responsibilities financially, getting comfortable and enjoying our community, disagreeing then agreeing, laughing and loving, redoubling our conscious parenting efforts, gracefully growing forward.  I'm so blessed to have this man as my partner in this adventure.

Happily happily into the new calendar year!

Then it was Done

All that hustle and bustle, for a few hours of mildly raucous unwrapping. The 3yo is much better at this year, the 7yo is an expert, and the baby was grunting excitement and approval at everything that pleased him.

I kept meaning to write about something, anything---there is a list next to my bed---and then I put it off in favor of seasonally necessary activities. Then days and weeks happen in a flash and I'm experiencing a creative blockage without this outlet.  I'm thinking of a new challenge for myself, possibly involving the Season for Nonviolence as we are lately, as parents, making a more unified effort to root out UNconscious parenting (or personal) habits.  More on that later.

We attended Mile Hi's Christmas Service last night, and it was moving as usual since my heart has opened much more in the past 4 years. I'm positively bursting with gratitude that we belong to such an awesome community here in Denver, I wholly love every single person of this Colorado Family.  Sometimes I think I might burst apart at my seams with bliss.

The GiggleSisters were rabid to don their holiday dresses (maybe next year we'll way until the eve of Xmas Eve to gift them). By the time we left service last night their excitement had reached a fever pitch and, while well behaved, they were barely manageable.  As the Spirit of Santa had gotten a jump on the wrapping and prep, there were very few small last minute things to arrange, and a reasonable hour was attended for the "long winter's nap".

I'm finding with our newest expansion that I've fallen deeper in love with our little (bigger) family. I'm perfectly content to hang around with these people I live with, even when they're acting in ridiculous unconscious manner.  I miss my Texas Family somethin' fierce, life keeps happening keeping us from visiting.  Truth be told, at this point, I'm more than aware with FIVE people, it's no small thing to travel and barge into someone's home.  All in good time.

Since my last post I've finished 3 knitting projects, re-set up my LOViNTee Etsy shop,, sent Christmas cards, baked some good stuff (grateful props to The Man for making Christmas dinner, though), made 12 simple gifts to give away, created Christmas magic, all while managing to care-take the household (barely, some days), handle a baby's illness, and keep the children clean, fed, and at their specified appointments....and I've prayed a LOT, and greedily snatched those still, silent moments in between all the DO-ing.  I found the durable thing within, a palpable loving Spirit that I draw upon to keep moving forward.

All is well, we are at peace, and I'm great-full and gratefully moving into the next calendar year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Gratitude

I told myself I wouldn't stay up late, I said I'd only work on the photo book until 11. Oh, well.  As our holiday is completed and we're back into the fray tomorrow I thought it appropriate to post a gratitude list.

A--Apple-pear-ginger pie that was Awesome
B--Baby Boys Bouncing and humming, and Babysitters
C--Christmas season is here, Cinnamon and Cookies
D--Dining with Dear ones, and Dates stuffed with goat cheese
E--Evergreens, Especially the one soon to grace my home
H--Housework, yes Housework, 'cause it means I have a Home
I--Indigo for it's many shades of jeans
J--Joy, that I have it every day in some form or other
K--Kites that little children make, and Knitting that I now Know how
L--Light, that without it I mightn't could type, but then maybe poorly
M--Moon so bright on crisp clear nights
N--Nonsense and gibberish blurted belligerently
O--Orange zest making cranberries bright
P--People People all around
Q--Queries and Questions from inQuisitive young minds
R--rain
S--Stomach issues, though uncomfortable and stinky, at least I'm slim : /
T--Turkey and the pot pies I've skill to make
U--Underwear, that I have clean pairs to spare
V--Very Vociferous Voices constantly clamoring, I'll miss them one day
W--Water, hot and cold running water indoors
X--Xenophilia
Y--yo-yo's that keep little hands busy
Z--Zoo Lights a holiday treat one night.

Happy happy sleep tonight.

It's been too long. So, I'll begin my catch up with a bit of Halloween, which it amazes me has turned into an incredible endeavor, lasting about a week with all the activities....it's exhausting. I'm so glad Nov 1 came when it did, and doubly so that Miss Monkey didn't have school that day---some smart people there.  There was a nautical theme this year, the new mermaid costume was completed in time, and the Second born was ecstatic to wear the previous purpler version.

We've been regulars at Boo at the Zoo most of the past 6 years, this year was no different. Mermaids of course must ride dolphins or small polar bears.

Baby rode around as an inking octopus, and I've not hunted down the better pics of that costume. After the first outing I had to tweak it a little to make it more realistically shaped.  He wasn't especially enthused about donning the costume, but was out cold in the Ergo every time.  Note: costumes must be durable and ready to wear multiple times, minimum 3 this year (Boo at Zoo, Trunk or Treat, school costume parades, and of course Halloween proper evening)

There were many pumpkins this year as we attended an extra carving party, and of course baby had to have one as well, I think we totaled 7.  

A success all around. : )

The Other Half Lives

clap happy at the pick up line

It's been two weeks now.  Back and forth, to and from, lunches in and out, over and over and over.

I struggle to understand how people actually choose this method. To say the least, I'm stretched getting used to it all, at most I'd say it suuuuucks. I would much rather homeschool in my ideal vision than truck around town 2x daily ....which led me to the novel thought, "I wonder if we really were doing it for her?"  But decisions have been made, and there are carpooling options developing.  

There have been interesting improvements in her consideration of us, especially with Second Born.  She's more affectionate to me, which, sadly, is surprising as I've become so used to being at odds with her. Given her behavior toward me I would expect she'd be ecstatic to be free of me, but that's not the case.  She's at once forcefully clingy and almost desperately affectionate in fierce short bursts.  I'm mindful to be accepting of this and gently responsive to her.  

I feel crappy that it doesn't seem to come naturally to me in my relationship to her, I don't understand this trend and am consciously attempting to heal and release it.  I could surmise it is an inherited pattern, and I'm unwittingly re-creating my childhood family dynamic as it's the only one I'm accustomed to act within.

It's difficult knowing that I (some "we," as in he too) am 49-51% the cause of her behaviors, there has to be a balance between taking total responsibility and understanding that the other half(ish) is simply in her nature. I can't tell which on a moment to moment basis, and when I've tried to keep track it drives me insane as I trend toward "it's-all-my-fault and I'm-a-sh*tty-mom".

My self-loathing knows no bounds.  Parenting an other while RE-parenting one's self is a formidable, strenuous challenge.  Some facets of this personal mirror only refract long after the fact, compounding frustration and confusion for me.

The best I can do is remain of service in love to my family, with lots of meditation, prayer, and support I know this is possible.  I helped create them, so The Divine must be challenging me to learn from them.  Do the next right thing, just keep moving forward.

Lately I'm mostly learning surrender and acceptance, or acceptance and surrender.  I hate that our lovely idyllic plan didn't pan out.  I hate that poor Miss Monkey has imperfect parents that have made so many changes in her short life it's become difficult for her to process properly.  I'm tellin' you: First-borns get the crap-end of the stick with parents that barely know what-the-frack they're doing.  

I will really enjoy one full year (minimum) with just plain life happening, no births, no deaths, no moves, and no bankruptcies/tax problems.  Come to think of it, I think she's only had one full year without major change, it was at the northern suburb house, which may explain why she has such nostalgic attachment to that place.

So, I learn. So, it goes. Gratitude, I suppose.

School to School

I am an imperfect mother.

I'm guilt ridden with totally losing my temper the morning after my last post.  At first the morning started just as the other mornings of the week, with The Firstborn in a terrible state of irritation, slamming doors, throwing things, hurling verbal insults, treating us terribly in her agitation.  And a line was crossed.  

The discussions about schooling her had already begun.  The appointments were already on the calendar, the paper work already begun.  But nothing happens without some undefined Divine Ultimate Purpose, I struggle with the guilt of my behavior regardless.

And so here we are.  My Miss Monkey started at her Waldorf (inspired) charter school today.  I was a hot mess of emotion all day.  Sending my Little Girl off into a class room with many other kids, and one Really Great Teacher---that, truly a serendipitous connection.  At this moment, I'm wondering how people do this same thing over and over again every single day.  I am wading into the fray.

I'm in mourning for our loss of freedom, though I'm grateful we've the freedom to choose what kind of school she attends.  What time it would appear I gained has been supplanted with drive time and pick-up/drop-off lines...I think it's actually a loss.

I wince inwardly every time I see the curriculum around the house.  Every time I look at my calendar with the neat-o things we were planning to attend, it pains me.  I love the Enki curriculum, and I had high hopes and plans for our year together.

I feel like a failure on so many levels, if I let it get too low I feel nauseous.

Some recent observations:

• A leader cannot exercise her leadership skills, learn to work with others, when she's the only one in the room besides the teacher (if we totally let her run the show I'm certain she would in true dictator fashion)
• It's near impossible to teach selfless, unity, and oneness with human community without a community to work within (not one 2nd grade Enki homeschooler in the area??)
• it's not supposed to be so difficult, I'm aware that when things are right, everything falls into place (the very fact that there are so many Mile Hi'ers in her class is part'n' parcel to the rightness)
• unacceptable behavior is unacceptable no matter who it's coming from
• when asking for help, and the answer is undeniably clear, it would be an affront to divine nature to ignore such a gift no matter how uncomfortable the change may be

It's late, I'm sleepy, and sad, and scared, and anxious, and pensive....and reaching yet another, new level of acceptance and surrendering my will.

2nd grade, second First Day of School

We're doing something wrong, or by wrong I mean not enough of some thing that would support this little girl. 

And I'm at a loss.  I feel depleted and wonder if I've failed her some how, effed up the groundwork in her early years to have created these problems myself.  49-51% nurture v. nature on any given day, or at any given moment.  

When she and I do connect it's with a weird oppositional intensity that I don't really like participating with, and so recently have made progress at not participating.  But then I'm challenged redefining our connection 'cause I barely know what it should look and feel like. Firstborns really get the crap end of the stick, no?

While our lessons are thus far moving easily, it's only been a week, I suspect it's quite possibly solely because once she's completed it she gets to move on to whatever she likes, and lately I'm worthless in enforcing natural consequences much much later---and she knows I'm impotent as far as consequences.  Other than keeping her in indefinitely (punishing myself), I really have none.  I'm certainly not about to start beating her into submission.

I'm weary of being her target for insults and whatever she wants to physically hurl at me (yesterday it was a shredded tortilla, it's been a turtle, a book, anything within reach and within her momentarily limited reason). I really dislike hate her behavior, and feel that whatever consequences do crop up aren't enough 'cause the behaviors only seem to have patterned out.  There's little to no respect of my simple requests, and she'll effectively ignore me unless there's something in it for her.

So, is there something amiss with her functionality?  we wouldn't know as we've never had her assessed by  trained professionals.  This is a big concern if she's in a federally funded school, I don't want her intensity and big energy mistaken for some affliction-of-the-moment.  And I certainly don't want these attributes "educated" out of her.

I know I've got rose colored lenses on what we could  do with homeschooling, how rainbow mermaids, starry unicorns, and magical butterflies simply flock to our lovely soft-glowing house where gnomes and fairies reside and we leap and dance through a garden of mystical wildflowers....ppffffttt.

I peruse the possibilities, the questions and answers on the Enki support page. All the available information and I'm overwhelmed, feeling that I can't give her enough to fully support her development at this stage.  My energies are too divided.  I feel like if I'm struggling then I must be doing it wrong, it shouldn't be so emotionally draining.  It feels to me that with her behaviors she's asking for more.  More of what though?

It is possible that my discomfort is due to some inward shift, or combination of shifts hormonal (hair falling out) and otherwise.  I'm again at a loss as to how to sort my self out lacking time and solitude required.

Some kids go in and out of school, home schooling off and on as their needs change. It's not really fair to her siblings as she dominates time and energy, keeping us all guessing at what her next freak-out will be.  It's exhausting and we, I, need to widen the circle, get more support.

We're meeting with our L&L guru and Reverend this week. The only school I'd consider sending her into has an opening in 2nd grade classroom, and it's the only opening they have (local Waldorf charter).

I refuse to spend time in "what if" zone, it's a waste of precious resources, not to mention useless and pointless.  

In tears, I pray to listen, pray to hear, and pray for guidance.

Backyard Squirrel Nut Zapper

Sometime post lunch with taquito in hand, Miss Monkey tosses an experimental bit on the patio for Sir Squirrels.  Finding that Sir Squirrels apparently enjoys said taquito (weird), she ventures inside for more options, thinking to bait him even closer to the house.  These squirrels I'm already aware are too comfortable around the patio, one in particular venturing up to the window screen itself on more than one occasion.  Either they've been fed here before, or they're doing recon as the previous inhabitant's dog moved with them.

Mommin'tuition sets me upstairs as she's making her way outside with three fresh apples.  "Um, no, sweetheart, we're not feeding the squirrels fresh food meant for us. I'm not comfortable with them that close to the house anyway, love."  Of course, there's a "Why?" and I render a short explanation of rodent cousins and disease.

She finds some stale something or other and ventures back outside.  A little while later though I hear a vehement, "NO!  STOP IT!!" as if she's speaking to a person.  Glancing outside I spy her looking up into the nearest tree with desperation, "GIVE IT BACK!  Stop!!"  A long streamer of red sparkle yanks up into the tree as she reaches for it.  She hops a little in her frustration and confounded with her options.  "MOM!  The squirrel has my streamer ribbon!"

At first, I'm not really sure what to do, I've no inclination to chase a squirrel to retrieve a dollar store toy, and these are truly natural consequences.  (acknowledging gratitude for base of knowledge not to rescue her)

Eventually, after having the streamer revoked Sir Squirrels gnaws other random kid-detritus then retreats.  Miss Monkey returns concerned she's contracted some disease having touched what Sir Squirrels mouthed.  She takes direction cleaning herself thoroughly and sets about creating a squirrel trap.

The following morning a few hours were totally dedicated to trapping Sir Squirrels.  A wire filing rack was converted with mini bungees and fake flower bait, and a rubber duck dog toy (??) for good measure.  It was such a great simulation a dear friend actually asked to borrow it!

Always an adventure.

"We be the best we can be in the moment. And we live with grace." 

~ Rachelmartin.blogspot.com

Post-Kenpo, soccer uniform pick up, a line of people in the waning heat of late summer, mostly accompanied by children, who, given the hour, may or may not have eaten dinner.  The kids group about, two games of tag are being played, then one Duck-Duck-Goose! and one Tag.  Chatting amicably with a young nanny, baby's falling asleep in the sling.  My turn at the table, I call my child over to try on a jersey, at first there's a lite resistance as she was playing intently...then IT begins, because there are only 10 girls on her team, and her only choice is between number 23 or number 12.

We'd had a discussion about color, team colors are green and white, only green and white.  There had been a brief discussion about numbers, that she wouldn't get to pick a number as we hadn't pre-ordered.

Apparently it wasn't enough.  

But really, who would predict that a discrepancy of numbers would send a 7 year old into a raging fit?

I can't even remember everything that was said.  The hate-filled ugliness screeching from her mouth, confusion about how team uniforms are numbered exacerbated by lack of food, and a long active day.  I eventually ran out of verbal tools, gratefully it was the same time I completed writing out the check, I called the Second Born and we moved First Born drama short distance to the parking lot.

I am grateful I didn't do anything to feel ashamed.  For me, her behavior was somewhat embarrassing, though I've come to care less and less about what others think.  At some point I mentioned she was embarrassing herself---a flicker of doubt crossed her face, but then I guess she figured she'd already committed to the tantrum so publicly, she may as well go all in.  And I do mean all in.  

"I will not speak to you again until you've eaten something and you're calm."

After moving her seat back between the younger two (as I can't be expected to drive safely while there's anyone fr-eak-ing the eff out in my passenger seat) I had to buckle her in.  She woke her brother with her shrieking and caterwauling though eventually helped him with his paci.

"I think you shouldn't speak again either, until you've eaten and  you're calm."

We made it home.  With a call ahead The Man had prepped simple dinner for them.  They got fed and then even had story at bedtime.

I'm completely wrung out.  We had such a good week, to end with such crap...it's just really really disappointing.  I've sadness, anger, and feeling weary.  It's these behaviors that 'cause me to think she should be in brick & mortar school, or that there's something amiss with her functionality.  But I know that giving in to her crazed states would only create more tantrums in the future.  Now delayed consequences loom in the coming week, because my energy has been completely drained.

All this after a standard three year old tantrum 'cause I wanted to listen to the Broncos game recap/analysis instead of Wheels On The Bus.

So, aforementioned Ms. Martin is dead on---Carry on Brave Mother.

2nd grade

This is first full day of second grade photo....it's not exactly what I had in mind. 

I had to bodily pull her back out of the car after this photo, then having deposited her at the HSC director's desk with a comment on how Exciting my morning had been, said, "I love you, have a great day."
Some possible reasons she was a feeling irritated:
She chose not to eat breakfast
She has her first soccer practice today
The sun was shining
She's simply nervous and scared and isn't very good about processing it.

Big sigh, and thank goodness for Love & Logic.

Rainbow days

After a storm there are rainbows. I had several phone calls and a

surprise visit from The Man, I took small actions toward
mitigating the chaos, and started to feel better. That momentum built
a good finish to the day and into the next. Amazing how prayer works, even simply in the asking for help there is peace.
There were no giant altercations betwixt the girls, the baby was
typical happy baby, and I got some more done with the house. I forget that effectively we just moved in. Moving, remodeling, requires patience of process.

Grateful for the dojo as an added accountability for The Firstborn and her behavior.

Grateful on the way home this evening we chased a rainbow. F was so excited trying to figure out how to reach the end of that rainbow, I thoroughly enjoyed discussing strategy with her, negotiating where we should turn or of it was fading.

 Grateful for puzzle time with the Second born and soccer time with her sister, grateful for my ability to feed my baby and share my milk, most of all grateful for the abundance we love and live in.

Truly, Life is good, ALL The Time.

When simplifying is simply overwhelming

I can't get up, he's been Really Fussy yesterday and today. 

I'm going to try to move in a moment, cause the prospect of spending another day staring at chaos only adds to my weariness.

Its all so overwhelming, I've asked for help, and I'm going to start by doing a little, not a lot. Luck and faith on my side I hope.

When it's overwhelming....

Ask. For. Help.

Sibling jealousy

Who would want to harm this sweet baby?

Well, She would. ---->

I've stepped away briefly to grab clothing or my phone, and she's pushed the limits--especially mine.  Its hard to rein in a mama-bear reaction hearing an infant scream, even if it's focused on another of my own children. 

One morning i caught her BANGING her sister's baby doll on the kitchen table.  She is apparently jealous and expresses herself, "I'm feeling sad/mad about the baby" or "i don't WANT the baby on your lap/nursing!". 

We need to edit in some extra anger outlets it seems (into my subroutines as well?).  She colored an Angry Picture yesterday after the most recent incident. Doesn't help me feel any more confident abut leaving her with him even if he's in the crib, even if its for an instant.  "Ah, mi. Patience!" Cries the mother.

This is just one day, one of many that have passed and that will come.  This particular day we're lucky to survive. On another day all will be most evidently well with all facets, giggles will abound and happiness doesn't disguise itself with challenges. 

Feeling pretty weary at the moment. Breathe,  pray, repeat.

Consequences

I suppose this is my comeuppance for her chosen consequences from last weekends' utter atomic melt down tantrum. 

She only just started to feel the reality of her choice to not play with little friends all week. The other choice was to stay home and work with her Papa all day Saturday, skipping a birthday party.  We only came to the conclusion of giving her a choice after almost an hours' deliberation. In addition to that choice, she had to clean up the great mess she made of her sister's bed and their room, AND she's yet to figure out how to pay Ms. J for her impromptu sittering service.  

I'm indebted to that lovely woman for backing me up when I needed to get out.  All mamas should have an emergency phone-a-friend.

Birth in the Park

At a very large, very crowded urban park recently, pickin' up on the neighboring mommy blanket, I chatted friendly with a couple of other crunchy mamas.  A bit later I was slightly agape watching her 2 year old strip down nude and birth her baby doll.

Yes, read it again.  Mama encouraged her daughter through the doll-birthing process, "that's right, push the baby out" and "you're such a good mommy."

It took me almost a week to process the feelings that came up with this experience.

The first thing that happened, Monk-A-Doodle, my token lovin'-naked-life-child, came to ask "it's okay to be naked outside?" 

Carefully I said, "yes, it is okay to be naked outside. Though, sweetheart," surveying the expanse, "I'm not comfortable as this park is so big, and so busy right now, so just keep your swimsuit on, okay?"  This child is so very tactile in her soothing and cuddling, I also couldn't be sure what she'd do.  

To be socially responsible I've learned to take others' comfort level into account.  (Incidentally if we had and expanse of private land, there'd definitely be some instance of naked baby butts outside.  Butt then there's this option.)  I guess I've become somewhat a prude in my maturing mommy-hood years, or maybe it's because I've little girls and I'm too aware of over-sexualization of young girls in our society.

As for the mock birth the little girl played out, it's probably a realistic throwback to tribal days when all the women and girls were involved on some level to aid a woman giving birth.  It actually caused me to think I might've taken a different tack with F, but the way things occur in this era---I answer the questions that come up in an honest succinct manner, careful not to over-answer (this book is great).  Introducing life experience subject matter like birth and nursing makes sense, even if they mayn't have a conscious memory of the pretending, it would hopefully match their intuitive nature later on, making the whole experience less frightening.  

Maybe that momma was a doula or a midwife and it's part of their daily life experience, it brought up interesting thought process for me.  In a follow-up conversation a dear friend helped with a final aspect I had been struggling with but hadn't been able to put to words.  It was the public nature of the display.  Birth, like death I think, is an intensely private experience.  We invite only trusted people and family into that experience, and typically carefully choose our location for focus and comfort. The very public nature of that particular park, well, it was a shock to my system.

I'm beginning to love all manner of challenging experiences.  Life is good, all the time!

my babies nursing their baby dolls

First Born & Parental Regret

Last night I read some pieces from a baby specific journal I've been keeping for the past 8 years.  Eight because it includes notes from ladies and mommas from my baby showers.  From the Firstborn through to last night I've been keeping as good a record as possible for Babies' Firsts and familial Banner Days.

This morning I came across a short video of Miss Monkey on her 3rd birthday....and it hurt.  Touched a sore spot I didn't know I had.  First time parent trying so hard to get it right.  Though it was apparent through my journal notes I had an awareness of the miraculous, I had yet to soak in it, to apply the mystic concepts of parenthood, i.e. limitless compassion, respecting the miracle, and unconditional loving with abandon.

So, to my firstborn daughter:  

I love you, so very much, I wanted so badly to make a good "first impression" with you, on your little life.  My regret looking back, I could've done better, faster.  We do the best we can with what we have, and I had already come much farther from my origin.  Though it hasn't been perfect by my definition, I can have faith that it's perfect in God's way.  One day you will surely understand, and from here, though there will still be some mistakes, I will do better by you, love.

And to my Self:  

It's okay, dear Ada, it's okay.  It's All, All Right in the end.   Just Keep Loving Forward.

Miss Monkey, 4 years ago

just a few days ago

Diaper Notes

Newborns are different to diaper than chubby 3-4 month olds, my newborn weighed ~7# but gained so quickly that I switched up to next size from newborn prefolds by the end of first month.  Higher frequency of changes mean necessary 24 minimum on hand, and ideally fit is key though leaks are rare 'cause there's just not that much production yet.  (see also my blogged diaper discoveries Pt 1 & Pt 2)

Happily, in my eclectic Bin O'Diapers, are 2 bumGenius stuffable All-In-Ones, and 1 bumGenuis pocket, all three I am loving for night-time. The fit is good, stretchy tabs at snaps, good elastic, these will fit for months and months.

A friend gifted me 2 Imse Vimse wraps that of course work well with the dipes of same brand, a terry organic cotton contour (ergonomic) fit, have been great for this newborn and will work great up until he outgrows them (just as his sister did).

Grandma gifted 2 RumpARooz Lil' Joeys, not sure a more perfect diaper for newborns exists.  These are the only fitted diapers I've ever owned, everything else is effectively One-Size and it's been an adventure finding what "one-size" truly means per brand.  Anyway, RumpARooz patented inner gusset is super functional, there's a snap down for umbilical, these work just like a 'sposie.  My Boy started wetting through these at about 1 month though.  Poly-fleece, while popular for it's "stay-dry" aspect simply isn't as absorbent as natural fiber.

Yet another friend gifted several WeeHugger wraps with a mountain of g-Diaper's disposable and reusable inserts.  I'd read about Wee Hugger but not tried them, and I'm pleased with the fit and versatility. The disposable g-Inserts I'm familiar with, though we'd never tried the reusables.  These are fleece backed with (best guess) hemp/cotton blend, after Baby Boy started soaking through one fleece insert I simply added another, and the doubled inserts have been working well in the pocket dipes. These wraps have also been accommodating for pre-folds as well.

And a New Find at the gently used section of GGB---Gen-Y wraps.  A short snap-over design, hip fabric with a nice thick PUL layer, and deep outer gussets.  Both the WeeHugger and Gen-Y become damp or even soaked depending on time worn, so they're not exactly "wipe clean", but generally I can use one wrap all day much like the RumpARooz wrap I purchased for Baby as well.

Incidentally when perusing gently used diaper merchandise here are tips:

• look closely for stains, if it's breastmilk sunlight will take care of it easily, though if otherwise beware
• listen to elastic, if it's creaky when stretched, it's old, in a heated dryer too often and won't last too much longer
• look at seams with PUL lining, if its cracking or pealing it's been in the hot dryer too often, expect wicking
• carefully consider the new price vs. used price, in my opinion a used diaper item should be half or less than half of the full price new---unless it is really in stellar un-used condition, i.e. washed once never used

Some great huge gratitudes for community we've gained, the main reason I can expound yet again on subject of diapering.  LOVE!

Sweet grunts and squeaks, a fluffle-snort like a foal, chuffs and complaints, man-burps and butt noises, latch-snmacking while nursing, shrill squ-whistles on the inhale when suffering injustices of baby hood...this boy is noisey.  His voice is beginning to change into a baby cry from the newborn's signature lament, and it sounds a lot like E's tone and timber.  His choking and coughing at my let-down reflex, and his simple existent noisey-ness reminiscent of F.  But he is his own.  I know there are similarities, there should be, they are siblings.  But he is his a new unique instance.  

As a sleepy, sleepy baby, he takes a good long time grunting, stretching, and fluffling before he's fully awake.  Something I've had to ask the girls to "please, oh, please, do NOT disturb your brother until he's really awake!"  He's getting used to the crib by degrees, and I do enjoy a few hours sleeping 'alone'.  Co-sleeping has great advantages regards to bonding and easy access breastfeeding, I attribute his stellar weight gain partly to the co-sleeping.  What Mama would refuse opportunity to gaze at sleeping newborn? cuddled up and cozy? None, I say.  Since I heard a comic quip that babies don't sleep, I'm gaining new meaning for "sleep like a baby." It's that best sleep, the warm, safe, and loved sleep. Sleep that we all cherish and should be more sacred I think.  

A couple of weeks ago in his eyes there was fleeting vague recognition of his existence here, a brief connection when I looked into these deep blues.  Now, such a short time later, he's truly connecting with us.  Giving sweet new smiles by turn, and coo-ing in that magical new baby tone.

He's a standard issue miracle.  I'm so blessed to have three of these, and so, so grateful.

one was already awake

3 AM

Three o'clock in the morning, or thereabouts.  Just finished a double-nursing/double-diaper-change session, and I'm left wide awake and thinking.

It's these times in the dark quiet listening to breathing noises that I've blog ideas rattling around my mind.  I might pray some, meditate, last night, though, I had to get up and put ideas down on paper so as not to forget them by morning.

There are three now, three people we created out of irreducibly complex cells...well we, and The Divine.  Interesting that we can scientifically describe all the processes, and yet we cannot really define HOW it works.

Some questions and comments lately as I'm wearing baby around herding t'other two:

How old is your baby?  1.5 months 

Wow, you're brave!

Really? I guess I don't consider myself especially courageous doing simply what needs to be done. Besides, if we tried to stay in until there was some comfort level, we might end up at such odds it'd be tragically comical.  And it's rather a lack of options.  Though mostly I simply chuckle and answer, "May be."

Is he a good baby? (mostly from the elder crew)

Well, now, ALL babies are good.  If you mean is he a good sleeper, then yes, mostly.  In regards to elders, I've also had most interesting conversations about circumcision especially with older ladies.

Is it different having a boy?

Not, really.  Its different equipment to work around, I've been pee'd on a bit here and there. I used to say it often, but now I've proof: babies are pretty androgynous.  It's how we treat them that matters regarding sex/gender.

How is it with Three?  Is it hard?

Not as challenging as going from 1 to 2.  We've switched to zone coverage instead of man-to-man (though I kinda feel like I've been doing zone coverage since E was born). Generally speaking the two are entertaining each other while I'm with the baby.  Or they're fighting and I've had them confined to quarters, hands-to-themselves-stay-on-your-bed, then I do my level best to ignore whatever I over hear. ("Sounds like you're having a problem, let me know if you need some options to work it out!"  Ultimately life is only as hard as we make it.  And my children are not inconvenient or a problem, they are my life's main work.  They are blessings.

Love only grows, especially when it's allowed to.  For myself it's actually easier now to notice and comment on positives with the girls---my conscious being present has enhanced.  It may be that my time at a premium has forced me into a more practical place with prioritizing on all levels.  I'm extremely grateful not to live in a constant state of dramatic enactment of "OMG there are THREE."  Just keep moving forward, willingly and joyfully doing the next right thing...and some days a whole lot of prayer and mindfulness practice!

Thunderous Three

She's here, and she's not to be ignored.
Little Miss Contradiction lives here.
Crying 'cause she asked for toast, yet didn't want it toasted.  Wailing after watching beautiful fireworks in entirety, that she didn't like "the sound" and insisting "firewo'cks were oveah der, deez aren't firewo'cks."  Lamentable and tragic that she's hungry but doesn't want to eat it 'cause "mama you CUT IT up wrong!"
Love the baby, hate that he's in mama's lap.
Can't reach tomatoes by herself, and doesn't want help getting them.
Leaving anywhere that was remotely entertaining promotes a barrage of wails & whines....
Ah, yes, I remember this phase of dis-equilibrium.
She's also becoming quite adept at pushing big sister's limits creating conflict and then acting the wounded party.

Good nights and interesting nights.  Last night was interesting.  Today we are all tired, and so on emotional ragged edges.

I get up and in the quiet breakfast moments while baby is still sleeping and kids are eating, I have a great idea to post here.

THEN while 'puter is open I skype my mom, clear my inbox, check the calendar.  Baby is awake and so begins the diaper-nurse-nurse-diaper-play/sleep pattern.

Someone bigger has a fit 'cause her cardboard project isn't working out exactly that way she wanted.

Then the beds need to be made prompting a fit from the smaller one.

Like I said, the raggedy emotional edges this morning from sleep lacking in the past few long summer days, topped off by last night's severe storm warning and baby brother fuss-fuss-fussing nigh on 2 hours.

It'll be an interesting day....and whatever creative inspiration I had, flitted out the window with the daily operation.  *BIG sigh*

So it goes. All is well when I remember....

A Good Day

Morning, of blueberry muffins, decaf & juice.
Making a lazy summer day. Some sewing, some weeding, little sweeping, praying and talking.
Littles' creative juices flowing.

Lunch and bit of laundry.

More creativity and a Substantial Mess.

"I only take kids to gymnastics that pick up after themselves."
Leading to "pick up everything you want to keep in the next 45 minutes".
Dinner is ready and on the table "for the next 25 minutes."

Oh the lament and tragedy.  I felt really sad to pick up all the stuff they'd worked so diligently on, and their new owl backpacks just received this weekend.  Empathy in full effect.  I felt kinda mean, but knew I had to follow through with my word.  There were tears and hugs for The Second Born, and flashes of quasi-half-hearted anger from The Eldest....
Eventually when it all calmed down, and tummies were filled, we migrated to the patio where a spontaneous stage show was happening courtesy Miss Monkey and slapstick comedienne Monk-a-doodle.

Papa comes home, there's wrastlin' and tag, giggles and squeals galore, winding slowly down to
bed.

All is well.  Life is good, ALL the time.

I love the way he loves our kids

Sweep Training

Just because I do things a certain way doesn't mean others should do it that way as well.

That said, in my house I have become accustom to house work done in a most efficient manner, and such that it's become an art, my only issue is the timing.  I can even say I enjoy it in The Flow of the household as I've surrendered to the Reality that it never, never, ever, ends.  I care about it enough that I want it done well, and in a timely manner.  There's no guarantee that children will pick up on my methods, and The Eldest needed some broom training today.  

There are certain things that really need to be taught outright, "This way. This is how I do this.  This is why...."  Eventually, one might come up with a more reliable, even more efficient means of getting the job done, but for now, this is how it's done.  When I was a kid I think I was expected to simply know, gleaning the knowledge from the environment.  Developmentally reasonable expectations weren't considered, I learned quickly never to say, "I don't know" and even more so I learned never to be wrong.  It was too risky.

According to Miss Monkey, she had to sweep 3, THREE, times today!  OMG.  But really she swept 1 and one half times by my calculation.  These beautiful floors are easy to clean; however, with random construction/home improvements occurring and children about, it's impossible that they remain clean for more than a few hours at most---and that's with the proper daily/weekly timing.  There's a method to the floors; stay behind the broom (as in front of the mop), start on one side/corner moving to the other side/corner (like painting), wipe one's feet often on the broom to avoid tracking wayward dust, leave the dust pan in an accessible place to avoid trekking through dirt piles, sweep from one side of the house to t'other & top to bottom, preferably all fans are off & no wind sends dust bunnies fleeing.  That the gist of it.  Imparting that to the willful seven year old, eh, challenging.  Once upon a time, The Man remarked that I "sweep like a goddess", and imparting this to her got more than a passing interest.

I won't start with the laundry methods until she's really truly interested in helping.  Maybe we'll start with Baby laundry, she's such a baby hawk of late it's sometimes hard to keep her in check.

My super power

Besides super hearing, eyes in the back of my head, and ubermama-6th sense...I make milk.  Mega-milk too, since Baby Boy gained average 2 oz. a day since birth. Feelin' pretty superpowered. : )  

And Then There Was Reign

A day after our short mountain adventure, early labor in earnest.  The Man convinces me to head northerly toward the W.H.O. hospital I loved so much with E's birth, so we do (it's a 35 minute drive without traffic).  And my labor all but stops.  We had a nice morning date, bit of coffee, breakfast, walking, then visiting dear friends' house to attempt to relax, and lots of laughing.  But I wasn't getting much action in the labor ing department.  I decided I'd take my friend up on her offer of castor oil.  We'd done everything else as far as self-induction (spiciest foods, slippery elm, hiking/elevation change, walking-walking-walking, and even the old standby wives tale which incidentally works best with a "hat trick" of specific activity ;).  I figured a tablespoon would either kick this labor into gear for real, or simply send me to the bathroom.  After a phone call to the doc, some deliberation and discussion, we decided to head back home.

I got to nap, Grandma kept the Littles at bay for me, and pressure waves were intermittent.  Between 3-3:45 labor started in earnest, and I phone The Man to retrieve me and head back toward hospital.  We embarked the vehicle and began The Drive.

Contractions (a.k.a pressure waves) were ~5' apart, 30 miles to travel, at 4pm on one of the busiest surface streets in the area.  It.was.harrowing.  The Man asked me at one point, "should I be breaking traffic laws?"  My answer, "if you can safely, then do it."  I didn't know what stage I was truly in, 'cause the other two babies came after doses of pitocin.  So, he's breaking traffic laws, not running lights (yet), and probably pissing many people off---until they look into the car, there's no way to miss The Belly and a woman clearly focusing intently.  "No, pushing!" he says over and over.  And finally we're almost there, we can see the hospital!

"Oh, my god, there's a wreck."  

A big wreck, over the entire 3 lane highway, it's completely blocked, they're turning people around.  "$%^#!" we pull up to a policewoman, she tells us we have to take another route, her only other option is an ambulance.  We drive back the 2 miles to the previous intersection, angling around the line of traffic, surely 'causing everyone to question the sanity of Texans (mom's plates).  The officer at this intersection calls for assistance immediately after The Man screams, "MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY!!"  He then escorts us back to the accident, and through it, this being the shortest most direct route.  Blessings on that motorcyclist and the involved vehicle, and that officer.  

We arrive safely at hospital, fully engaged in active labor, though things had slowed a bit, and I hear them call up to the L&D floor, "You have a 'mul-tip' on her way up in active labor."  As it turns out "mul-tips" are mommas who've had multiple births, and it's expected that delivery will be fast it immediately puts nurses on alert.  Though I'd said many times this pregnancy that it's not like the movies, this experience most certainly was more film worthy than any other!  Rushing in a wheel chair through the hospital, contracting all the way.  

Upon arrival and settling in there was a period of slight calm, and then pretty standard labor.  I asked them to leave me unhooked so I could move freely from bed, to ball, to rocker, to tub, to rocker, to bed.  The superb nurses only monitored me when necessary.  After a second dilation check, it got really Real, real fast.  From 6 to 10 cm and begging (loudly) to push in 18 minutes.  They didn't even put monitors back on for pushing.  I got to do it old school, by feel.  It. was. magnificent.  

And so, after such an adventure, baby boy Reign Calum arrived.  We are so glad you've come!

We went up the mountain a little ways today. And it was great to get out.

My Dear Mom has been staying with us for a week now, and notwithstanding some challenges it's been enlightening.

My Miss Monkey, though full of complaint before we left, actually said, aloud, "Thanks for making me come up here, Mom." And she was incredibly pleasant and helpful throughout the day.

The Second born was pliable and sweet, until I removed her sweater....oh horrific horror! How dare I attempt to make her more comfortable. She caterwauled all the way back to the car. I felt bad about it, though I couldn't allow the caterwauling to influence my decision. Eventually she calmed to a thinking state and I apologized, explaining that I realize my mistake, and when she'd ask calmly I'd happily give it back, 'cause crying won't ever help me change my mind.  In her combination of hunger-tired-heat, she heard me, barely, but never wanted the sweater back.

And I'm still pregnant.  Just hitting the 39 week mark. Plenty of activity in slow process of early labor, I'm just too too excited to meet this little person and have my body returned fully unto my self.

Toddleator is a big 3 now, she was so excited for her Birthday Brunch restaurant treat, and then upon arrival home there was a gift bag from Ms D.

The Elder of the Two had a great first CARA meet, she cleaned up in fact.  I'm not sure it's exactly fair with her USAG background bringing her into a totally recreational league.  She really enjoyed her success (2nd AA, 1st bar, 1st floor, 6th beam, 3rd vault), and I enjoyed the more relaxed vibe and considerably shortened duration.

I had gorgeous flowers awaiting me both from my parents and my prospective sister-in-law and brother.

little gymnast hornin' in on my pic

And then to top it all off we had gourmet fabulous cupcakes with a bit of ice cream.  A totally successful relaxing weekend.  

blurry, but the only one we're all smiling

My Mother's Day was simple and lovely, some chocolate and strawberries, a picnic and a walk around the park.  Happy Momma.

NOW, let's have a baby!

The BIRTHDays Are Here

I had a lovely, simple birthday.  I got a nice breakfast, home facial, a bit of yoga, meditation, short Morning Lesson with my Big Girl, and off we went to celebrate a fabulous local shop's first birthday as well.  Though I spent too much time perusing the supplies we made it to my OB appointment then spent the afternoon with dear friends, Lucky Pie pizza, and Sweet Cow Ice Cream.  Back on our side of town we met for lite grocery shopping and a quick meal pick-up.  The girls were so wasted and belligerent with lack of rest (most especially the Younger of The Two) it was a sad comedy getting them fed and sacked out.  

The Elder of The Two then had her birthday celebration the following day, with a Kenpo sparring workshop, trips to the Lego and comic book stores, then a Rockin' Kitchen and ice cream get together at Scrumptious.  An unintended bonus is that her birthday is May the Fourth Be With You, so, many Star Wars perks were had.  

The weekend hasn't been without challenges here and there, nothing that Love & Logic skills couldn't handle.  In trying to keep it simple we overlooked a couple of things that were pretty important to Miss Monkey, namely singing the Birthday Song and blowing out candles.  We're still rookies in a certain sense when it comes to her, it's rather difficult to keep up with her expectations discerning which are truly important and which are red herrings.  As it turned out, those two items were non-negotiable, though everything else she listed about her day as not ideal weren't necessary.

Next weekend the Younger will have her birthday slightly occluded by her elder sister's first CARA gymnastics meet, otherwise it's business as usual.  I am starting to feel some real pressure to have certain items on hand before relaxing into the birthing process---like peanut butter, toilet paper, and frozen foods.  I am so ready to have this babe in arms rather than pummeling my innards, causing physical discomfort and effectively handicapping me.  Ideally, I'd like to have the entire house in proper order, but I'm realistic.  I've already wiped down a majority of the house as we moved in, no worries there.  Getting other things ready, however, has been a challenge as I feel I can't do anything until, but then there are To-Do's that must be done before.  I need a place for baby to sleep (when not with us in bed), a few items for the baby to wear, and a couple of swaddling blankets. The diapers are all collected and clean, ready to use.  Though I have to figure out a mattress and bedding for it, the crib is in house.  For myself, I'd like my sling, nursing cover, nursing bra or two, and an UnderCover Mama.....and maybe one or two other things that will come up as needs inevitably do.  

So it goes, so it beautifully goes.  I am so blessed, I am so grateful.

Such A day...

...Was yesterday, difficult to the max, and although slightly ill, I
handled myself very well up until a belligerent eldest child made
terrible threats during her emotional drunk in the afternoon.
Grateful it passed, we reconciled, and talked about it, all is well
again. There's a pattern there, few and far between, but still a
pattern that can be avoided....praying guidance on How.

Today we awoke to snow. Another spring dowsing, and it continued all
day. After dropping The Younger of the Two at the CEC I was treated
to the final chapter of Houndsley & Catina while I enjoyed a cup of
tea. Then we had fun with our Morning Lesson and got thoroughly
involved with organizing all the previous work we've done. Quite
gratifying to see how far she's come and all the material we've
covered. She's yet to choose work for her final good book or binder,
and I'm excited to see what she chooses.

Whipped up a killer tomato soup, with grilled cheese of course,
followed by quiet time for all. Wiped some more walls down moved some
lighter objects around, and standard housework with some help from
small people amidst their caring for new baby stuffed bunnies.

Aside from maneuvering around The Belly---becoming quite the nuisance,
I'm attempting to remain present and enjoy this, The Last One---An
utterly enjoyable day.

I am so grateful, I am so blessed.

I stole your basketball.

Rollin' up on 36 weeks. So excited to meet this person!

Another Spring Day

There's snow outside again.  Colorado springtime means fat snowflakes fluffing all over my truck.  Frenetic behavior of the weather one never knows if it'll be snow boots or Toms---I remember being so confused our first spring here.  So, we've been installed in the house for little more than a week.  The kitchen is mostly in place, and other rooms are falling into order around that hub.  But only barely falling into order.  There are boxes that won't be unpacked until the walls are painted, or there are shelves and cubbies to store items. Some boxes are such low priority I don't expect to see them until Christmas.  The floors turned out beautifully, and though the fumes were almost unbearable for a few days (for me), it's been lovely getting accustomed to the gentle distinctive creaks.  There is much work to be done improving the place, The Man has all kinds of plans and ideas.  He's alternately infuriated and excited about his self-described "new toy".  I imagine he's somewhat stressed out with the very idea of owning outright considering he's the bread winner right now.  With me rolling around, nearly ready to pop, I'm not much use when it comes to unpacking.  I can really only point and direct boxes to their proper and logical locations.  

I've only just today started to check in on supplies for Baby.  Really beginning to feel a bit of mental pressure to prepare.  Shockingly, when I sorted through the outsized/seasonal item bin, I found only four gender neutral items that would work for an infant. FOUR.  Two short-sleeve onesies (one stained but wearable), and two pair of overalls.  The rest of the items were iddy-biddy dresses for 18m little girl, and a few bigger-girl items I handed immediately to Miss monkey to distribute.  Gratefully diapers are totally taken care of, though I'd probably do well to get a shortlist together including newborn onesies and a few newborn pre-folds.  Then there are bigger ticket items that will postpone easily enough (Ergo carrier), or those I need to retract from friends, sadly.  All will come together though and in due time.

In the mean time,  here's a mandala that Miss Monkey designed and colored of her own accord.

F 2013 April

Just One Spring Morning

The Elder of The Two didn't want to wake pleasantly, or at all, this morning, and I refused to hang around trying to convince her otherwise.  Then began the slamming of doors.

So, I devised a training session.  The Younger of The Two and I would walk across to Starbucks, get some brunchy fun snacks.  The Elder missed out.

When we came back, Miss Monkey was lamentable and tragic as expected.  I empathized with her though she would accept none of it.  She got it in her head to go on her own.  She grabbed her money, donned her Easter shoes and headed down the sidewalk.

And *gasp* I didn't follow her.  Breathe. Pray. Repeat.  Not that I could follow in my gravid state, to engage would've created a physical altercation, in which I am unwilling to participate.  

She made it as far as the intersection (50 yds or so), hung around the fence line.  I could see her, though she didn't see me.  And I have it that she was looking to see who would follow.

She returned to change her shoes, left again in an entitled huff.  Made it just as far, returned again to tell me how I'm a Terrible Mother, and jogged back toward her ultimate goal again. This last time she was gone for almost 20 minutes.  20 loooong Mommy Minutes.  

I phoned everyone who knows Love & Logic....because what's next?  I even considered stretching my resources to instill a big scare from the Police, kinda grateful it didn't come to that.

When I began the phone call to a retired neighbor in our ex-townhouse unit, asking if he would take a walk and let me know where he spotted her, there she came walking from t'other direction back to Miss J's.  Her attitude hadn't much improved, but the door slamming wasn't quite as vehement.  

She never made it to Starbucks.  Knowing exactly where she was safe, she never crossed the road. (grateful mommy)  My guess, she stuck pretty close in to the Townhomes she's become so familiar with these past 2.5 years (grateful again).

perpetrator of drama

There will be a conversation later today, maybe tomorrow latest, regarding the situation without a total rehash lecture.  It's been a challenge with the upheaval of moving and the uncertainty of when we'll be in our house.  I'm so very very thankful for the skills I've gained parenting, I didn't engage, I didn't lose my temper, I used all my L&L phrases + empathy.  

I let her work it out and saw evidence that we've done right thus far.  She knew her limits, and was entrusted with them, and entrusted that she'd work it out and return, which she did. Some part of me knew that she would.  *momma relieved sigh* 

Now, to get on with the day.  Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day!

The witness, who fell out of a chair &
was scratched severely by Porter (she insists on getting in his face)
during the whole fiasco.