Monday, July 29, 2013

First Born & Parental Regret

Last night I read some pieces from a baby specific journal I've been keeping for the past 8 years.  Eight because it includes notes from ladies and mommas from my baby showers.  From the Firstborn through to last night I've been keeping as good a record as possible for Babies' Firsts and familial Banner Days.

This morning I came across a short video of Miss Monkey on her 3rd birthday....and it hurt.  Touched a sore spot I didn't know I had.  First time parent trying so hard to get it right.  Though it was apparent through my journal notes I had an awareness of the miraculous, I had yet to soak in it, to apply the mystic concepts of parenthood, i.e. limitless compassion, respecting the miracle, and unconditional loving with abandon.

So, to my firstborn daughter:  
I love you, so very much, I wanted so badly to make a good "first impression" with you, on your little life.  My regret looking back, I could've done better, faster.  We do the best we can with what we have, and I had already come much farther from my origin.  Though it hasn't been perfect by my definition, I can have faith that it's perfect in God's way.  One day you will surely understand, and from here, though there will still be some mistakes, I will do better by you, love.

And to my Self:  
It's okay, dear Ada, it's okay.  It's All, All Right in the end.   Just Keep Loving Forward.

Miss Monkey, 4 years ago

just a few days ago

2 comments:

Srta. Cundiff said...

You are such a wonderful, strong Momma! It is so wise of you to reflect and meditate on this journey called parenthood. Is your journal online or a handwritten one. I am quite partial to the latter, but I wonder if I should give in and start the digital process. Besos y Abrazos a toda la familia!

Srta. Cundiff said...

You are such a wonderful, strong Momma! It is so wise of you to reflect and meditate on this journey called parenthood. Is your journal online or a handwritten one. I am quite partial to the latter, but I wonder if I should give in and start the digital process. Besos y Abrazos a toda la familia!