Having run off together through Mexico and points beyond, then living on 3 of Hawaii's islands, we have moved to Beauteous Colorado. Adventuring about, experiencing everything fully. Our family of five, frolicking famously here for friends, family & foundlings.
Monday, July 29, 2013
First Born & Parental Regret
Last night I read some pieces from a baby specific journal I've been keeping for the past 8 years. Eight because it includes notes from ladies and mommas from my baby showers. From the Firstborn through to last night I've been keeping as good a record as possible for Babies' Firsts and familial Banner Days.
This morning I came across a short video of Miss Monkey on her 3rd birthday....and it hurt. Touched a sore spot I didn't know I had. First time parent trying so hard to get it right. Though it was apparent through my journal notes I had an awareness of the miraculous, I had yet to soak in it, to apply the mystic concepts of parenthood, i.e. limitless compassion, respecting the miracle, and unconditional loving with abandon.
So, to my firstborn daughter:
I love you, so very much, I wanted so badly to make a good "first impression" with you, on your little life. My regret looking back, I could've done better, faster. We do the best we can with what we have, and I had already come much farther from my origin. Though it hasn't been perfect by my definition, I can have faith that it's perfect in God's way. One day you will surely understand, and from here, though there will still be some mistakes, I will do better by you, love.
And to my Self:
It's okay, dear Ada, it's okay. It's All, All Right in the end. Just Keep Loving Forward.