Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The art of crying while breastfeeding

Don't worry about tissue, there's sure to be a burp rag or shirt sleeve near enough to use. This is post-partum, the In Between, when that fantastic natural dope that my body produced is wearing off. I understand how pregnancy can be an addiction, 'cause yesterday I found myself thinking about how soon I can get pregnant again—get some more of the good stuff. The baby is beautiful, baby smell is god-stuff. Miss Monkey is beside herself with big sisterhood, the adjustment has been rather easier than I thought so far, mostly because The Man has been home to help. And help he has, because as he said, he knows what to do this time 'round and he's been jumping in wherever necessary. It's been quite nice.

Life is happening. REALity has set in. The weekend my contractions began, my husband asked me if I had asked any of my friends for 'help'. Meaning financial help, incredulous I responded that I don't know anyone with money. And after another semi-weak contraction I thought "I just can't think about that right now, I have to give birth soon enough," and said as much to him. One thing at a time, no?

With my second daughter a week old, if he doesn't find a job in the next 2 weeks I will have to file for bankruptcy. Thanks to principles I've learned to live by in the past 5 years I'm able to feel frustrated anger and frightened sadness without going into full blown panic-mode. This is life. And it happens to everyone, whether we like the timing or not, and whether or not we're ready for it.

I'm left discussing the possibility that I have been living in a hopeful denial. There's some discussion about worry, how worrying about the future serves nothing, only to waste valuable energy. If what I'm worrying about comes to pass then I will have lived it twice. With practice I have learned to live in the present, and not to habitually think god-the-universe is out to get me. Is it failure to come to financial ruin? Only if I call it failure. Instead I will call it a learning experience, as with all of life. It's hard to remember sometimes, but it's worth the changed attitude.

We floated across the pacific and the mainland on a charmed balloon of self-will. Self-will alone does not a life make. Both my husband and I have lived that life and it's not what we want anymore. Colorado is beautiful, there's a triathlon network here, Mile Hi church is here, I've made many wonderful friends here that I am loathe to lose touch with…in short I don't want to leave. In the last 6 months though it seems that we are being shown the door, he can't find a job, the Cost of both of us working end-all hours only to make ends meet would be too great as far as mommin' is concerned, but we haven't ruled it out entirely. Rather than stick around this place, sucking the teat of the government (a massive pride swallow there), we will head to Texas, The Grandparents will have us while we hit the giant RESET button.

I'm disappointed. I'm infuriated that I alone cannot affect any change to remedy this situation. Worse still I'm aware of my near unemployable-ness. I've been out of my field for so long, even if I wanted to go back to engineering & survey there is only slimmest of chances that I make enough to be worth going back to the professional realm. The idea of completely switching careers has crossed both our minds, in an attempt to find some employment always in demand. Like funerary service or waste/recycle management.

Batten down the hatches, it's always an adventure.

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