SOMAS 601

Week 4 Hmk

Wherein I discuss my revelations about my fears.

I used to fear what people thought about me, I used to worry about interactions for days upon days.  Now that worry is reserved for interactions with people I respect and hold dear.   Interestingly I’ve never worried or been fearful of not receiving [insert item/goal here].

I’m fearful of success, success in every area of my life. Success in parenting, success with endeavors to create monetary wealth, success with treatment and demonstration, success with relationship maturation, success with my ideas….so I make little mental and material distractions to keep me from achieving success, mostly rooted in questioning my worthiness of crazy blinding success.  I am successful though if I follow what RW Emerson wrote.

When I’m a great parent I’ve got to keep acting in a compassionate and loving way all the time, even when I’m sick and tired of them all. I’ve been surrendering to the moments a lot more lately.

When I’m successful with my ideas, I’ve got to be accountable and represent myself and my idea with integrity.  There’ll be more work to do and I’m unsure of my tenuous maturity in this new area of adulthood to handle it all.

When I’m successful with mediation and prayer, and demonstrations occur, my faith will deepen immeasurably and my convictions to live this path may lead me to an area that I’m completely terrified to admit I might be talented with. I’m afraid to be that bright, worried I’ll leave some behind when I’d rather take everyone with me because every single consciousness occurring here has that beautiful wondrous potential—why  should I be special?  (ego doesn’t discern the difference between transformation and death, no?) but then why shouldn’t I?

If my husband and I are to cleave together we need continuous growth. Thus far we’ve been through fits and starts of spiritual growth, honing each other into better living—of course parenting is a major part of that growth, children really force us to examine ourselves.

So, I’ve been releasing distractions of all manner and size that have kept me from my perceived success and my material success.  Some are small mental blocks subtle broken records, others are real distractions I toss in the way to add a tinge of emergency to anything I’m working on.  Removing these, I’ve noticed a great success with my prioritizing and time management, I’ve gotten a lot done and been more present doing it.  I’ve felt greater compassion around not completing household work or slips in my parenting style, been much more present and understanding with my girls.  And I’m attempting to work with a friend to get a business plan together that I will pitch to a group deciding the fate of a nearby property.

And yet it is interesting that yesterday, attending church solo with two in tow (third was ill and at home with The Man) I was so high, and exuberant about life in all its glorious forms and relations.  I am here, I love being a momma, I am loving this adventure—why not? Any thought to the contrary is just silly static that has no place in my positive sphere.  There was not a thing that would deter me from that space, I love my life, it is so good.  And today happened, with glitter loosed and migrating unauthorized around the house, a non-napping baby, and a three year old thoroughly in tantrum mode, I slid sideways somewhat. However I witnessed, the whole debacle, and avoided calamity.  I felt the wave pass, lifted me, carried me a short way, instead of struggling I let it go, and had my feet on the sand again.

Today is a good day to begin again.

“To laugh often and much;to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh my heart aches, it cracks open, and open, and open.  It's joyous sorrow I feel, and it's slippery to contain.  I know I'm making inroads against unconscious behavior, it's just so difficult sometimes, this becoming.  I feel my organs rearranging, though there's resistance there's nothing to fight against, preparing for flight.

Monk-a-doodle has been experiencing illness past few days, still not quite back yet, and Baby R has just been so fussy today.  I've so much work to do and not enough time, and I keep bullishly stepping in my own way creating environmental stress where there needn't be, i.e. tiring myself with less sleep, not eating my best or at all, too much sugar, avoiding yoga and meditation, sitting in overwhelm instead of moving that small inch that's a cinch.

Watching snow fall, wishing I could go out in it and be completely alone for a undetermined time.

And I read this and this.  There's so much becoming all around when one looks for it, we're on an upswing I'm positive.

THIS is WHERE I BEGAN over a month ago.  And now I get to write about a few things I've learned.

• It doesn't matter when I meditate, so long as I do.
• It doesn't matter how I pray, so long as I do.
• It doesn't matter when or how I get my exercise in, even if it's only 15 minutes, it's worth it.
• I will always feel better when these three, or at very minimum the first two, are included in my day.
• When I eat well, it only adds to the wonderful inward climate I've created, and helps to sustain it.
• Love begets love, in all forms, and on all levels.

I've noticed I'm more aware of those small moments with my girls, with others, those opportunities to be loving...especially to myself.  Taking up those opportunities---even if it's that 10 minutes I get to be Still while people are singing overhead---it's always worth the time.  When I wake in the morning lately I immediately begin thinking about when and how I'll get in my exercise, or when I'll hit the cushion.  I'm thinking on how I'll care for my self instead of the littany of things that need to be done, I attribute this to reinforcing my faith that all really is well, and everything will get done in God-time.
No hurry, no worry.
Happy days!

Begin the Move Again

Day 3 of home stay due to some smaller person having a fever. So, to review, that's: a cold of some sort between the two of them, a mercifully quick & mild tummy bug, then a really high fever + headache/cough lite congestion for the younger then the elder.  One day they have no fever, then 102+, it's kinda weird.

I am healthy, and grateful for it, rather refusing this bout for myself.  I disinfected the house yesterday.  Every surface within reach of small hands was wiped with my preferred solution, including & not limited to light switches, door jams & counter tops.

More packing done. I can actually be grateful that I'm really good at it, as I've moved more than a dozen times in my life since moving out of childhood home, and efficiency is key.  

Weeks before hand, begin with an area a day. Items in storage, re-organize, consolidate, re-box, and stage. 

In the living spaces, start with knick-knack items, decor, books, and photographs (I've consolidated all the wall photos, etc. to one area for now).

Any clothing in storage (regular clothes in my current case), use [one of many] bags/suitcases to pack ready-to-move.

Rotate to packing items in the kitchen and hobby/play rooms that aren't essential, i.e. craft bins, fabric bins, baking pans, fancy dishes and platters---anything in cabinets that only gets use once a month or less.

Label everything with quality masking tape and sharpie (preferred method).  I've a memory for a lot of things, however, if something is in a box for more than a month I'll question whether it existed at all when I suddenly miss it.

some bins we've had for years

The best part of moving?  Culling through what one doesn't need.  I actually really enjoy and appreciate the process to minimalize belongings.  Things that used to hold such importance, no longer do.  I've honed a skill, the skill of examining items for their worth to me.  

Will this be important by this time next year?  Out of all the art work my girls turn out, which one will I really remember, yield the past pleasure of their little-ness, in 30 years? (and then gauge their interest in keeping it---has it been on the playroom floor for the past 2 months?)  

Have I worn this in the past year?  Will I be able to wear it within a year?  

Is this item worth transporting again?  Is this item worth continued storage?  (something I estimate with the girls' clothing, because anything I gauge worthy to pass on to the younger one must be stored for minimum 2 years before fitting)

Is this item necessary to my happy existence?  Well, no, really none of it is necessary stuff.  These photos, mementos, small objects brought by little hands....necessary? no.  But en-joy-able? yes.  Sentimentality has its place, though, applied to objects, if it ever gets in the way of my Self-Health or those relationships I have with those around me---well, no Thing is worth more than a relationship.

And if one is 7 months pregnant, don't fool around, lifting and moving boxes doesn't really have to be done right now.  Let someone else do it. Really, truly, remember to ask for help.

Home days

hooray finger knitting!

those are blocks from 2 cartons ea.

Due to another bout with decent fever, we are at home, and finding creative things to do. I actually don't mind today, lots to do with cleaning & starting the move-out packing.

Not a "Most" Day

Most days I wake with a certain cheerfulness.  Though I haven't succeeded with my ideal schedule yet, it's just as well, I've been able to fit the Care Full things in as needed.  Most days I can wake and begin the day with ease and grace (more so after breakfast).  Most days our rhythm is fairly set, small people are cooperative 'cause our curriculum is pretty fun, simple, the morning lesson moves quickly.

This morning however, I woke with a serious dread to this day.  No particular reason.  I want to sleep for another couple of hours to shake this head-cold experience, I'm not optimistic about the 3yo attitude for the day...it's been brutal the last couple of days.  Monka-Doo has really been testing her boundaries, reminding me of Miss Monkey as she hit Thunderous Threes and I was suddenly in a world of Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot did I do to deserve this hellion of a child?  Monday I think there was maybe only one, ONE, hour of the entire day when (while awake or present) someone wasn't whining, screaming, fig1hting, or crying.
(see also tantrums label)

The Firstborn has been relatively resistant lately with our curriculum, and I get frustrated with any thought-quip that "well it's supposed to simply flow, if you'd do your prep work earlier or more thoroughly."  My reactive response for the moment, "F-off."  The girls miss each other when one is in homeschool connection, then t'other attends her little school following day. So, this morning they are content to play quietly together going on 2 hours now.  And I'm letting them---so, so, very grateful for the reprieve.  Miss Monkey will have to catch up on her work, as it seems she's uninterested in participating at the movement-song-form-draw level, I feel my recourse is to have her sit and do the work much like institutional school, worksheets and whatnot.  Tomorrow is another day.

I just wish I felt better to get some housework and packing complete.  le sigh.  Getting back on track totally with dieta, and continuing the search for the next house.
:- /

 I am in need of a proper camera, partly for LOViNTee purposes. The last one damaged by small people and has gone walkabout, noticing a total lack of photos, save instagram & phone pics....feelin' kinda sad about this.

A Personal Improvement Challenge

I noticed something about my posts yesterday, both of them categorized in "tantrums" and timeline labeled "January". I looked at other January posts in the past 5 years and didn't notice anything especially crazed,  some winter blues, but nothing especially noteworthy....so either I didn't feel that I could write it out on the blog, or it wasn't pronounced enough to note.  Possibly there's a pattern in development?  The greatest thing about keeping a journal (or blogging) is that one can look back for patterns in behavior, recognizing these, one can change.

So, in the spirit of altering patterns I'm issuing a challenge to myself, publicly here, to commit to 42 days of Self Care, and an extra day for celebrating success! I'll call it my CARE FULL 43, and I will report here every day what I accomplished which may include though not limited to:

• meditation & prayer, minimum 10'
• yoga, minimum 15'
• some cardio activity, minimum 20'
• spiritual study/reading
• concsious gratitude
• meeting minimun twice a week with spiritual family of choice
• journal at bedtime, even if it's a simple list of Got-it-Done-Today
• set a timer, take twenty to sixty minutes for my self to rest, read something fun, watch something I enjoy, give myself a facial/spa bath---anything that I want to do simply for that reason, I want to.
• minimum one random act of kindness
• tell everyone, "You are Loved"or "I love you" either in kindness or in words
• feed my body for optimum overall wellness
• drink more than enough water
• put a little pocket change in the family "give" jar
• spend time outdoors
• loudly laughing with my kids

If you're reading, is there anything you might add?

Onward!
: )  A

"We may assume that spiritual man is already a success, is already with everything that he needs."
SOM p.270

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”  

~ Martin Luther King

Mommy Lost her Sh*t

I am not perfect, I have a wicked temper once my patience has worn out.  Emotions can be just as dangerous and addictive as any drug, and more subtly damaging to those around us in certain ways.  

It begins with a certain combination of occurrences, stresses that quietly pile up.  

Filing Chapter 13, we have to move within 3 months, pregnancy, baby due in a few more months and no outlet for small nesting instincts, frustration and confusion around stuff built up and resistance to culling it now because I'd rather when I start packing, prayer-meditation-meetings back-seated to other activities for those around me....an evening after a long (albeit successful) day, when he and I both just need a moment to ourselves, a screaming toddler awakened after she'd fallen asleep, we turn on each other...suddenly I'm feeling alone alone alone, with no help and no way out and some little belligerent person who will not got the f*ck to sleep!

So, yes, I utterly abandoned reason, and love, and hope for an hour or so.  It's a dark place that I'm un-accepting of its powerful existence, a Jungian mirror of my general upward spiral in consciousness.  

Is it okay that I lost my temper in front of my kids?  Most definitely, yes. Only because when we're all over the emotional compromise, back in a thinking state, we talk about it, we hug and make-up.  I admitted my defect, I use "I feel" statements, I talk about how I don't like behaving like that and I will do better.  

Some might say that I've completely thrashed all the progress I've made, I disagree.  One set-back does not a ruin make.  If I were mid-race and got a flat, they wouldn't make me begin again at the starting line.  The truth is I'm behaving worlds different than I might be if I hadn't done spiritual study, and worked it in the past 8 years.  I'm not excusing the behavior, but I'm allowing my humanity, my learning curve.  I could put on a hair shirt and self-flagellate for days, weeks, months, begging forgiveness reminding them of my terrible awful transgression....that however, is a teaspoon of self-esteem disguising a thousand pound ego.  I obviously need to be more vigilent, not less, around what I do for my Self.

Other ways to let angry energy out:  scribble/draw an angry picture, grounded scream, stomping, running, finding a lonely place and yelling, journaling, phoning someone to reason it out/cry/laugh aloud at our ineptitude some days.

Above all You are NOT alone.

"We should also erase the thoughts of yesterday that would rob us of today's happiness."    

SOM p.245

break it, learn from it, stitch it up, keep moving forward

Christmas Meaning

From our Christmas Mindfulness Questions
Day 1: What does Christmas really mean to me?

Truly before I had a baby it meant more about gifting and generosity than spiritually.  Now that I have personal understanding of the miraculous gift of life and consciousness Christmas takes on new meaning for me.  Especially since we have such a wonderful spiritual community to share it all with the whole season has snapped into a new dimension.  I still get a big charge from gifting to friends and family, I love surprising someone with a gift that has been brewing in my mind for months.  I adore shopping for Toys for Tots drives,  and the Angel Trees.  It's so fun to model generosity, to get excited, and keep the "gimmees" away.  This year, without means, I had to surrender any expectation of what I might purchase, work with The Man about how much/when/what we would purchase (practicing Unity of Purpose)---I couldn't plan a thing, surrendering totally on yet another level.  Would that I had infinite supply at my disposal in the form of money all the time and I might try and gift everyone all year long.  I want to do more, I always have wanted to do more, be of service in a bigger way.  Fortunately I recognize the power of the Spoken Word (b.k.a. prayer) and I do have an infinite immediate supply of prayerful abundance words for the world. (got a thrill of joyful goosebumps just now)

I know the history of Christmas celebration, the cobbling together of all the pagan/christian/roman/nordic symbolism that has become what we covet today, and I bring it lightly into conversation with my kiddos so they'll understand the history and significance rather than doggedly following without understanding.  I really appreciate and identify with the symbolism of re-birth of Christ Consciousness, our highest self, newly created, newly arrived, completely un-spoilt, beautiful, brilliant and wondrous---the way we all are when we first arrive here.  That's what "keeping Christmas well" throughout the year means to me, embodying that loving, compassionate, high consciousness every day of the year.  We don't have to let the outside material world determine the inside, we can reclaim this newly birthed beauty every moment, every day by simply getting still and Knowing the I AM is within always and all ways.

Happy Christmas!

: )   A

Letting Go

From our 12 days of Christmas Mindfulness Questions:

Day 4: What from the past year do I need to let go of?

The financial mistakes we've made---and I release them with joy and gratitude for lessons learned, looking forward to working within our means for the future.

After more than 2 years of trying to fix it-fix it-fix it NOW, and effectively martyring ourselves on the debt we owed we finally admitted we were powerless over our situation, what we’d been trying hadn’t worked, the situation was truly unmanageable.  Then we came to believe that we needed Higher Guidance, prayerfully made a decision to turn the solution and outcome over to God.  We’ve taken an extensive inventory of our debtors, and of our property, which when written out was horrifically out of balance. I gratefully realized we’ve been living pretty darn responsibly, having bought nothing new that we couldn’t find used or cheaper for several years now.  We’ve sat with The Lawyer and confessed all our shortcomings, signed all the paperwork, and asked that the shortcomings be reorganized, and relieved (b.k.a. Chapter 13).  Our amends will be in the form of payments to a trustee over the next years, additionally, continued living amends to our financial relationship, and our relationship with each other in regards to finances.  Going forward we’ll seek to understand what we need, to make an abundance plan (b.k.a. budget), and prayerfully & meditatively act within our means.  

Happy days ahead, debt free!

: )  A

p.s. I confess it feels incredible to know that gifts this year are paid for in full already, there will be no haunting of Christmas Past for 2013.

Mysticism of Motherhood, from My Experience

This is a project/talk I did for Science of Mind & Spirit Class: Practical Mysticism, please comment, let me know what you think.

“Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.” (Thackeray)   Apparently, there is little history of spiritual leaders and teachers discussing motherhood.  Not surprising as most of the female mystics were nuns of one sort or another, certainly not having children. With the overtly paternal nature of most religious traditions is obvious why mothers haven't been "on the mystic scene" much at all.

The first time I became pregnant I violently regained control of my life. The pattern of ruthless control repeated the second time, with somewhat more emotional trauma as I understood more closely what I was doing.  I was denying the divine touch in my life.  Denying any possibility of growth and change, my decisions firmly rooted in fear. 

I met my husband and we decided time was right…but with babies even “ready” still isn’t Ready.  Because how does one really prepare for a miracle?

When my first daughter was an infant I was struck one afternoon with a vision of infinity stretching from behind me through to her and beyond, as if two mirrors faced each other.  We were connected as we are all connected. I fell to my knees and cried.  Whenever I feel the quickening of purest love for my daughters’ personhood here, that is essence of God-love. 

The mechanics of conception, development and birth are explicable to a point.  Two irreducibly complex cells come together to form a zygote, then an embryo, and a fetus, eventually a baby.  But the soul, the spirit that comes with that unique combination is INexplicable.  It is miraculous.  In my experience, that new life is proof of union of spirit and in that is the union of the great I AM miraculously re-created.  What he and I have given them will be within them always, but they are at once the genetic progeny + the environmental progeny + something more.  It is that something more that confounds and is mystical by its very existence. 

With my pregnancies I felt (although undefined) a certain unmistakable growth spiritually as well as physically.  My first was a traumatic level of surrender to something larger than myself, loss of what control I imagined.  My second was somewhat easier as I knew essentially what to expect, but the growth still happens, over and over and over again, I learn lesson after lesson.  Parenting classes and introspection have been my timely guides, absolutely necessary when faced with a miniature mirror of my self.  Ultimately it all boils down to love, and love melting into love.  I never guessed I could love with such utter abandon, throw myself totally into self-improvement that I might better embody what I want for my children. 

“God knows more about love, care, forgiveness, in one second than the best mother that ever lived knew in a lifetime.  And if mothers can love and forgive and care and be tender, try to imagine what the nature of God is.” (TFOM p.134)  I couldn’t imagine that nature, not until I became a momma.  I’ve experience heart-rending epiphanies about human kind, our love, hate, fear, jealousies, and more—but mostly our love for one another.  I remember being astounded to recognize that all mothers love their children the way I love mine, albeit with differing actions.   I recall (more recently) the predilection to be drawn into the “Mommy Wars” where personal discernments turn judgments upon others—we mommies sometimes forget our commonalities.  I remember realizing all at once that god- love is like a child’s love for a parent, it never runs out, never changes, never dissipates, it is constant to the core of constancy regardless of behaviors.   I recognized in the throes of learning to mother, I wasn’t sure I could accept this amount of love, I wasn’t sure I was I worth this Love. 

Coming to terms again and again, leads me into newer areas of personal growth to assure that this relational love remains healthy, intact as a sounding board for all future relationships.  With my Momma role, I have had to balance my needs versus theirs, with balance came the in depth search for my identity beneath “mommy”.  I’ve learned to prioritize my energy use toward particular pursuits, though I’ve yet to reach an ideal, I know I’ve time to learn.  Managing my pursuits, those of my children, balancing all this in a basic 24 hour daily cycle has been the most interesting challenge.  Spiritually speaking I’ve matured more in the past 6.5 years than I had in the previous 28, I’ve mommydom to thank for that.

A few lovely, thought provoking quotes:

• Judaism finds "motherhood" in both its abstract notion of generativity and its more intimate motif of caretaking to be a compelling vehicle for understanding and relating to God.

• “A woman may also give birth to her own creative work, in which she has had to plumb her own depth as a woman and labor to bring it forth. The work comes out of her and draws from her talents and experience, and yet it has its own life.”

• “Our children bring to our lives an abundance of special moments: their birth, their first smile, their first word, starting school. But caught up in a fast-flowing stream of thoughts we miss so many of the more everyday moments and, indeed, the potential for every moment we spend with our children to be special. Awake to the depth and texture of the present, we open ourselves to appreciate and enjoy them more.”

• “How often I felt my failure to enact boundless compassion and immeasurable patience. Through becoming a mother I irrevocably lost the realm where compassion for all beings is visualized from a retreat cabin….Gradually, however….I began to see mothering as a great practice opportunity….As I cooked in the cauldron of motherhood, the incredible love I felt for my children opened my heart and brought me a much greater understanding of universal love. It made me understand the suffering of the world much more deeply. This has been an important thread for me, both as a practitioner and as a human being.”

• Creating (including procreation) is a yang or outward-moving aspect of the 2nd chakra, while intuition is a yin or inward-moving one. While for intuition we absorb energy or ‘data’ into our energy bodies (which is partly pulled in by the centripetal nature of our 2nd chakra), while creating a life, a painting, or composition, or anything else, we push it out into the world, apart from us.

Thanks to

http://mommymystic.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/the-spirituality-of-motherhood-lessons-from-the-real-masters/

http://ejmmm2007.blogspot.com/2008/04/divine-mother-in-israel-shekhina.html

for quotes and additional inspiration.

I love silence.  It's an incredible gift.  We have stellar neighbors, one of which has today taken the Littles for almost an hour while I've been able to sit quietly and write a little, do some picking up, and listen to the lovely sound of silence (even if the dryer and dishwasher are going).  A couple of weekends ago, The Man took Little Girls walking about and to the grocery, and all I did was sit quietly for the whole time.  I did a meditation, and simply sat.  It.was.lovely.

I'm getting better at recognizing these wonderful, simple, random opportunities to get some self-care in while I can.  Grateful great gratitudes for growth!

Delicate subject of pain

A dear friend recently remarked on "a belief in better living through chemistry".

I felt a little sad about that, partly that I know it's how most people approach life.  A consistent, vaguely desperate, outward search for a solution to discomfort they feel.  Avoiding the solution of focusing inward, finding the root cause, and properly healing.  From my experience emotional pain and physical pain can be equal in intensity and just as damaging if healthy healing attention isn't paid.

We have the amazing capacity to feel such a range of emotion, such a range of pain.  It's not always a bad thing.  I've come to believe that emotional pain and physical pain directly embody growth and change.  Growth and change are good, especially if I'm learning with it.

If I attempt to dull the pain of an experience I inadvertently truncate some aspect of my human experience.  For example, if I don't feel all the way into sorrow, how can I then stretch entirely into my joy?  For me the pain of childbirth was natural part of becoming a mother, I accepted it and I believe I'm stronger for it.

This is my human experience, I can think of no reason to limit it with avoidance mechanisms like media distractions, stuffing habits, or unnecessary medication (self or otherwise).

We are durable creatures, we are built for magnificence and enlightenment, don't rob yourself of a extravagantly full human experience with petty distractions.

Love On.

: )

A- autumn glory
B- being
C- change (Choose Having A New Growth Experience)
E- everything and everyone
F- flowers for Little Girl's mourning
G- girls giggling together
H- high and mighty gold in the hills
I- I AM
J- jokes of the 6 yo random knock-knock variety
K- kites
L- love of every kind, especially the random acts
M- money management
N- nonsense
O- oranges
P- people
Q- quietude
R- rest
S- silliness
T- trust
U- umbrellas
V- vicissitude
W- water
X- xenophilia
Y- yoga pants
Z- zebras added to the menagerie

Be grateful, it magnifies the moment aids in present-ness.  Just be grateful.

Pendulum

While some inward things sifting through my spirit this past week....

The visualization came to mind of a pendulum, the very long kind I remember from childhood hanging from the ceiling in the science museum.  So slowly moving back & forth in harmony with the Earth's movement.  It was mesmerizing for me, comforting to watch that evidence of our movement, within movement, within movement, through the cosmos.
When I am in operating in harmony with a Higher Power I move like that pendulum, deliberately, with ease, and without effort.  Now and then, some occurrence or some person bobbles into the weight.  It spins and jumps wildly out of balance with it's intended ease of movement, crazed and directionless to observers.  Eventually, it will return to it's original motion.  But this takes time, and patience, and growth with learning.

I found myself so weary yesterday, and this morning.  I only came upon the right word by bibliomancy with a Creative Ideas book.  "God is my strength" it read.  I do forget this often.  When I get so busy that my spiritual life atrophies, I end up searching for fulfilment elsewhere.  Usually my form of self-willed solution involves more and more and more activity, until I'm so busy doing that I am not a being here at all.  I begin my days and weeks then full throttle, teeth bared, grinning desperately, pushing so hard that a complete melt down is inevitable.  I've grown to know this pattern, and I saw it happen most recently as I inadvertently laid off my typical spiritual practice, and went full speed ahead into some new thing I've no idea whether it'll work our or not.  Also, I've no idea whether it's part of my flow & I'm struggling with fear of the unknown OR I'm totally out of sync with god-the-universe.
More will be revealed....in typical form I wish it would be revealed faster!

I've a new idea of the phrase "home is where the heart is" now.
Happy dreams.
: )  <3 p="p">

HOORAY! HORSES!

After a busy-busy morning at Mile Hi, we serendipitously were able to hang
with these three, Fabulous Frankie, Hippie, and Ruthie.  Enthusiastically I helped clean hooves, taught Miss Monkey to use a horse brush, and labeled different parts of tack and horse anatomy for her (dusting off what I remembered).  I grinned ear to ear listening to hooves on gravelly sand, leathery creaks, horse-breath, snuffles, and lip-pops. There is NOTHING better. I laid on a horse neck and inhaled deep salty horse sweat, laughing tears of a child's
joy.  This was my feeling of total loving abandon as a kid, and I reveled
in it! It is freedom of another, almost forgotten, kind.

And how amazing to introduce my daughters to these things, so special for me.  F proudly rode easy bareback on her own. E didn't want to stop riding once on. I got to practice both saddled and bare back a bit, totally different use of muscles I'd forgotten.

After mandatory ice cream, we headed home tired and happy. I didn't even mind (much) the quasi-crazed dinner/bedtime we had because of sugar & over tired-ness.
I am so grateful!
Happy, HAPPY DAY!
: )  <3 p="p">

OH what to write what to write.
Back on a training plan is good.  Yoga is good.
Glu-free carrot pancakes, egg whites wrapped around sauteed kale + spinach, topped with sliced tomato...that is rockin' breakfast.  Simple treats like soy mocha iced lattes are good.
Getting studying in while one naps and t'other is gymnastically occupied, that's good.

Tantrums from the 6yo are comically melodramatic.
"We love you.  How do you think this will work out for you?"
*&@#^$^%*@$@#*%#%*$^$!!!
"Uh-OH, bedroom time (she's on her way up the stairs already). See you when you're ready to be friendly."

The Second born, "I'ne need a fresh ban'aid!  Mine toe, it's hurts."
Getting a small nip from kitty she complains that "kitty got mine feengur, I need un ban'aid."
But when I ask which one, she studies her digits, forgotten which one exactly and guesses, "uhmm, oh diss one."  Alas, in mine house it's no blood, no band aid...unless of course Papa is around, or one can talk big sister into it, or the neighbors.

The pool 15 yds walk from our door, it's good too.
Little girls who play together sweetly, then pretend they don't want to be sisters anymore, yup, good.
Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, that's good.
Heros & Zeros, those are good such that we can distiinguish between acts of love and acts of fear.
Late night post-workout smoothie-creations, those are good.
Even the mundane, cleaning toilets, laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, dishes...all that's good, too.  If it wasn't there, I'd know life wasn't happening around me and through me.

Happy dreams.
:  )   <3

Okaaay, I've been procrastinating.  This morning when my alarm went off, I was not especially tired, but I switched it off anyway 'cause I will lie there considering what all I'd like to start my day with and then fall asleep again.  And my alarms look similar to this (except waaay earlier than 7th hour-ish)...

(Thank you John Pozsadsides)

I fool myself into thinking that there isn't enough daylight yet to get out and run or bike alone, or that I could just get to the pool, but then what to do?  AH, that's the key.  I need a plan.  Well, I've been procrastinating that as well because I'd really like to have a heart rate monitor to work with, that's the next step in my training evolution I think.  I buckled down today though and picked a HR based plan in pleasant knowing that a HRM will manifest in my future, in the mean time I'll just stick with RPE (rate perceived exertion) or feel.  I'm good with that.  With a plan in place I've no excuses at 4:00am, here is what the first month looks like:

AdaBug happily back on with BeginnerTriathlete.com.  Yoga right now, then hitting ye olde 24Hour this afternoon post-taxi kiddo from her gym.

Life is good and it goes on and on.

: )  <3

Use Cost Co Well

I made a beautiful, super-tasty kale salad last night with the Organic Baby Kale we found at Cost Co this weekend.  I think I'll make it again for my lunch today, not only is it fabulously healthy, it needs to be eaten before turning ichky.

I noticed 2 issues with bulk purchasing for our family: 

1. a tendency to gluttony
2. a tendency toward waste

Gluttony is easy when there's so much available.  Pre-Wellness program, we bought our meats, healthy snacks (dried fruit, wheat crackers), and cereals at Cost Co---but not too many greenstuffs or fruits.  The Man was convinced that we wouldn't eat the produce fast enough, and based on our eating habits, he was correct.  Post-Wellness program we now consume mostly plant matter, finishing our large amounts of produce per week with ease, a big wonderful change.  Also, thereby purchasing less meats and only the occasional cheese and fruit leathers for kiddos. Meat, cheese, and processed grains cut a considerable chunk from the grocery bill. Cereal is a rarity, as are classic snack foods, and when we eat bread it's usually what I bake in-home or a singular specialty purchase.  Since there is no ceiling on how many fruits and vegetables one can eat and remain healthy, we're gleefully gluttonous with those goodies.  I think it's challenging for the average person to "use only what you need" when there's such a bounty all about.

Waste is an issue partly due to the shear amount of food we can purchase, sometimes it just doesn't get eaten (or frozen) fast enough.  But there is also food waste associated with the mental attitude, "oh, there's plenty, just toss that and get some fresh."  Now, I wouldn't have thought it possible a few years ago, our fridge is barren by the time the week's end.  I've become a better cook using what we have on hand and ensuring that nothing is wasted, I do love efficiency.

We shop Cost Co because the chain tends to carry more organic/natural eating items than Sam's Club.  The prices are comparable but usually better than our local Sunflower Market (definitively better than the Safeway, though King Soopers is beginning to compete).

HOORAY for Wellness!  Now go get some.

: )   <3

What's this?

After getting that garbage out, not but a few short minutes later...all truly is well. We have such pervasive abundance in our lives I need to convey more living gratitude than anything. Each individual struggle has merit, though, and compassion is the only answer.
What's this in my fridge? Yes,yes, that is KALE! From Costco, who inexplicably began carrying it we found this weekend. Hooray!