It's a Day, or not even, it's only A Morning.

I'm feeling nervous about the decision to put The Second born into a 2-day all day program at the Waldorf Charter School.  Probably because today we had an epic morning.

It began with angry elder sister, pick-pick-picking on little sister, while I sang loudly my operatic "Be Kind or Be quiet!" aria.  Then about 4 minutes of timed bickering (probably longer, but once they heard the "$1 a minute!" jingle I improvised, it got quieter). I'm holding the $4 ($1 or 1 household contribution per minute bickering fee) until they get contributions done.

It's a fairly cold, snowy morning, diamond dust in the air, and champagne powder on my truck, so we're already late. But I'm surrendering to the flow of the morning, 'cause I don't wanna make the crazed rush only to be stuck in traffic.

Everyone fed, and getting ready to leave, the Middle One begins her lament about some random item that was or was not seen, or worn, or toted.  Shortly prior to this, she, in the same breath, shared about what she likes at school and then proceeded to whine "puwheease take me out of dis school, momma".

I kept breathing, kept moving forward. Of course, this new development of crazy from her little sister budged Miss Monkey to swing back into sweet-and-helpful mode.

The Second Born proceeds to scream in her trademark screech about how her legs are cold (she chose to wear a long skirt with long socks), but when offered her coat or pants, she screeches again in response.  Her tragedy is most definitely waking neighbors.

We've embarked the vehicle, finally, when I feel I simply cannot drive with her screeching behind me.  I pull over into the empty, snow covered, parking lot of the park directly across the street.  I remove her from the vehicle, lovingly, firmly inform her that I cannot drive safely with her screaming and caterwauling behind me, help her with her coat and hat, "Scream out here all you want. You are welcome back in my car when you're done making that noise."

I keep breathing and recall yesterday when it was time for baby to nurse and rest, I resorted to locking myself in our bedroom to avoid a more serious conflict with her.  It had been a busy morning, back from the gym she had launched, unprompted, into a caterwauling lament about how she wasn't tired and wasn't hungry.  There's a pattern here, and I'm the common thread. Remove myself and alter the pattern, though maybe not as compassionate as I intend (yet), it's all I can muster sometimes.

Back in the snow, 2 minutes or less outside, some impressive lungfuls of air from her, and she calms. Asking for a hug, I'm happy to comply, and then she's eventually back in her seat and we're on our way.

But that's not all...

upon arrival at school, there's more tragedy, most likely trickle down from dramas earlier in the morning. Then hugs, and I'm off, but only to contend with the baby boy hollering fiercely all the way home.

I'm off to crock something for dinner, fold masses of laundry, and maybe get a 1/2 hour or so to sit atop my bike-on-trainer and lift something other than baby weight.

Happy day!

workin' through stress

This Year

Last year this time we were beginning the search for another place to live, and preparing to file bankruptcy. This year, we've redefined our finances and successfully, and gratefully, been living abundantly.

This year we moved (again), and made firm decision to live in This House for the forseeable future, we are purchasing, and stretching out into the permanence of our decision. Interestingly this material permanence has produced interior growth and shifts.

This year I succeeded in homeschooling my firstborn into reading and the 4 arithmetic processes, then spring came as did the bouncing baby boy, and lots of learning for the Little-Big sister as well as the Big-Big sister.  It became painfully apparent in the fall that homeschooling wasn't serving her, my energetic resources were stretched too thin. The school we enrolled with has been a serendipitous blessing. Her favorite subjects at holiday break are handwork, eurythmy, and spanish.  Observing her this Christmastime, she's grown immensely, the space created with her attendance to Mountain Phoenix has allowed she and I to travel more parallel than crosswise.  With a whole new community to explore and connect with, she and I have had our work cut out for us---for me especially amidst learning the means and methods of brick-and-mortar school.  And I've mourned the change, still do when I come across some curriculum material.  I've fallen in love with her again, she's really a magnificent little person.  She's lost teeth, gained a new kitten and a couple of hermit crabs, gotten her ears pierced, left gymnastics, learned to knit, started soccer and is excited about volleyball.

This year, Little-Big sister, giggly in the middle, has grown into a character of comedy.  While she does push in her 3 year old way, it's been interesting watching her roll into her role.  With a break from her big sister she's grown into her own person bit by bit, has her own community of friends at MHCEC.  Lovely have been the afternoons driving to the pick up line while The Second-born is giggling herself stupid in the backseat making baby brother laugh.  It appears she's about to step up into the preschool room, quite a bit earlier than I ever considered...based on her verbal skills, her ability to use scissors, and dress herself among many other things.

This year, a beautiful baby arrived, he graced us with his presence late May and has been a complete joy.  It must be stated, boys and girls are different from the start.  As soon as he surpassed the first vague interactions, without coercing, steering, or guiding...boys are different than girls.  He has a different personality of course, but I'm noticing, what I surmise, are basic male v. female differences with development and activity and interest.  I find myself studying all little boys more closely, researching this boy-energy.  He's starting to rock, he creeps a bit, and tummy-spins and rolls about the floor loudly babbling his focus or his frustration. Already he has definite opinions about injustices of mommy needing to eat or potty-break. Gratefully he has innate patience when it's necessary to focus my attention on the ridiculous 3 year-old antics.

This year, The Man and I have succeeded in moving the household, straightening out and recommitting our responsibilities financially, getting comfortable and enjoying our community, disagreeing then agreeing, laughing and loving, redoubling our conscious parenting efforts, gracefully growing forward.  I'm so blessed to have this man as my partner in this adventure.

Happily happily into the new calendar year!

The Other Half Lives

clap happy at the pick up line

It's been two weeks now.  Back and forth, to and from, lunches in and out, over and over and over.

I struggle to understand how people actually choose this method. To say the least, I'm stretched getting used to it all, at most I'd say it suuuuucks. I would much rather homeschool in my ideal vision than truck around town 2x daily ....which led me to the novel thought, "I wonder if we really were doing it for her?"  But decisions have been made, and there are carpooling options developing.  

There have been interesting improvements in her consideration of us, especially with Second Born.  She's more affectionate to me, which, sadly, is surprising as I've become so used to being at odds with her. Given her behavior toward me I would expect she'd be ecstatic to be free of me, but that's not the case.  She's at once forcefully clingy and almost desperately affectionate in fierce short bursts.  I'm mindful to be accepting of this and gently responsive to her.  

I feel crappy that it doesn't seem to come naturally to me in my relationship to her, I don't understand this trend and am consciously attempting to heal and release it.  I could surmise it is an inherited pattern, and I'm unwittingly re-creating my childhood family dynamic as it's the only one I'm accustomed to act within.

It's difficult knowing that I (some "we," as in he too) am 49-51% the cause of her behaviors, there has to be a balance between taking total responsibility and understanding that the other half(ish) is simply in her nature. I can't tell which on a moment to moment basis, and when I've tried to keep track it drives me insane as I trend toward "it's-all-my-fault and I'm-a-sh*tty-mom".

My self-loathing knows no bounds.  Parenting an other while RE-parenting one's self is a formidable, strenuous challenge.  Some facets of this personal mirror only refract long after the fact, compounding frustration and confusion for me.

The best I can do is remain of service in love to my family, with lots of meditation, prayer, and support I know this is possible.  I helped create them, so The Divine must be challenging me to learn from them.  Do the next right thing, just keep moving forward.

Lately I'm mostly learning surrender and acceptance, or acceptance and surrender.  I hate that our lovely idyllic plan didn't pan out.  I hate that poor Miss Monkey has imperfect parents that have made so many changes in her short life it's become difficult for her to process properly.  I'm tellin' you: First-borns get the crap-end of the stick with parents that barely know what-the-frack they're doing.  

I will really enjoy one full year (minimum) with just plain life happening, no births, no deaths, no moves, and no bankruptcies/tax problems.  Come to think of it, I think she's only had one full year without major change, it was at the northern suburb house, which may explain why she has such nostalgic attachment to that place.

So, I learn. So, it goes. Gratitude, I suppose.

School to School

I am an imperfect mother.

I'm guilt ridden with totally losing my temper the morning after my last post.  At first the morning started just as the other mornings of the week, with The Firstborn in a terrible state of irritation, slamming doors, throwing things, hurling verbal insults, treating us terribly in her agitation.  And a line was crossed.  

The discussions about schooling her had already begun.  The appointments were already on the calendar, the paper work already begun.  But nothing happens without some undefined Divine Ultimate Purpose, I struggle with the guilt of my behavior regardless.

And so here we are.  My Miss Monkey started at her Waldorf (inspired) charter school today.  I was a hot mess of emotion all day.  Sending my Little Girl off into a class room with many other kids, and one Really Great Teacher---that, truly a serendipitous connection.  At this moment, I'm wondering how people do this same thing over and over again every single day.  I am wading into the fray.

I'm in mourning for our loss of freedom, though I'm grateful we've the freedom to choose what kind of school she attends.  What time it would appear I gained has been supplanted with drive time and pick-up/drop-off lines...I think it's actually a loss.

I wince inwardly every time I see the curriculum around the house.  Every time I look at my calendar with the neat-o things we were planning to attend, it pains me.  I love the Enki curriculum, and I had high hopes and plans for our year together.

I feel like a failure on so many levels, if I let it get too low I feel nauseous.

Some recent observations:

• A leader cannot exercise her leadership skills, learn to work with others, when she's the only one in the room besides the teacher (if we totally let her run the show I'm certain she would in true dictator fashion)
• It's near impossible to teach selfless, unity, and oneness with human community without a community to work within (not one 2nd grade Enki homeschooler in the area??)
• it's not supposed to be so difficult, I'm aware that when things are right, everything falls into place (the very fact that there are so many Mile Hi'ers in her class is part'n' parcel to the rightness)
• unacceptable behavior is unacceptable no matter who it's coming from
• when asking for help, and the answer is undeniably clear, it would be an affront to divine nature to ignore such a gift no matter how uncomfortable the change may be

It's late, I'm sleepy, and sad, and scared, and anxious, and pensive....and reaching yet another, new level of acceptance and surrendering my will.

2nd grade, second First Day of School

We're doing something wrong, or by wrong I mean not enough of some thing that would support this little girl. 

And I'm at a loss.  I feel depleted and wonder if I've failed her some how, effed up the groundwork in her early years to have created these problems myself.  49-51% nurture v. nature on any given day, or at any given moment.  

When she and I do connect it's with a weird oppositional intensity that I don't really like participating with, and so recently have made progress at not participating.  But then I'm challenged redefining our connection 'cause I barely know what it should look and feel like. Firstborns really get the crap end of the stick, no?

While our lessons are thus far moving easily, it's only been a week, I suspect it's quite possibly solely because once she's completed it she gets to move on to whatever she likes, and lately I'm worthless in enforcing natural consequences much much later---and she knows I'm impotent as far as consequences.  Other than keeping her in indefinitely (punishing myself), I really have none.  I'm certainly not about to start beating her into submission.

I'm weary of being her target for insults and whatever she wants to physically hurl at me (yesterday it was a shredded tortilla, it's been a turtle, a book, anything within reach and within her momentarily limited reason). I really dislike hate her behavior, and feel that whatever consequences do crop up aren't enough 'cause the behaviors only seem to have patterned out.  There's little to no respect of my simple requests, and she'll effectively ignore me unless there's something in it for her.

So, is there something amiss with her functionality?  we wouldn't know as we've never had her assessed by  trained professionals.  This is a big concern if she's in a federally funded school, I don't want her intensity and big energy mistaken for some affliction-of-the-moment.  And I certainly don't want these attributes "educated" out of her.

I know I've got rose colored lenses on what we could  do with homeschooling, how rainbow mermaids, starry unicorns, and magical butterflies simply flock to our lovely soft-glowing house where gnomes and fairies reside and we leap and dance through a garden of mystical wildflowers....ppffffttt.

I peruse the possibilities, the questions and answers on the Enki support page. All the available information and I'm overwhelmed, feeling that I can't give her enough to fully support her development at this stage.  My energies are too divided.  I feel like if I'm struggling then I must be doing it wrong, it shouldn't be so emotionally draining.  It feels to me that with her behaviors she's asking for more.  More of what though?

It is possible that my discomfort is due to some inward shift, or combination of shifts hormonal (hair falling out) and otherwise.  I'm again at a loss as to how to sort my self out lacking time and solitude required.

Some kids go in and out of school, home schooling off and on as their needs change. It's not really fair to her siblings as she dominates time and energy, keeping us all guessing at what her next freak-out will be.  It's exhausting and we, I, need to widen the circle, get more support.

We're meeting with our L&L guru and Reverend this week. The only school I'd consider sending her into has an opening in 2nd grade classroom, and it's the only opening they have (local Waldorf charter).

I refuse to spend time in "what if" zone, it's a waste of precious resources, not to mention useless and pointless.  

In tears, I pray to listen, pray to hear, and pray for guidance.

2nd grade

This is first full day of second grade photo....it's not exactly what I had in mind. 

I had to bodily pull her back out of the car after this photo, then having deposited her at the HSC director's desk with a comment on how Exciting my morning had been, said, "I love you, have a great day."
Some possible reasons she was a feeling irritated:
She chose not to eat breakfast
She has her first soccer practice today
The sun was shining
She's simply nervous and scared and isn't very good about processing it.

Big sigh, and thank goodness for Love & Logic.

Such A day...

...Was yesterday, difficult to the max, and although slightly ill, I
handled myself very well up until a belligerent eldest child made
terrible threats during her emotional drunk in the afternoon.
Grateful it passed, we reconciled, and talked about it, all is well
again. There's a pattern there, few and far between, but still a
pattern that can be avoided....praying guidance on How.

Today we awoke to snow. Another spring dowsing, and it continued all
day. After dropping The Younger of the Two at the CEC I was treated
to the final chapter of Houndsley & Catina while I enjoyed a cup of
tea. Then we had fun with our Morning Lesson and got thoroughly
involved with organizing all the previous work we've done. Quite
gratifying to see how far she's come and all the material we've
covered. She's yet to choose work for her final good book or binder,
and I'm excited to see what she chooses.

Whipped up a killer tomato soup, with grilled cheese of course,
followed by quiet time for all. Wiped some more walls down moved some
lighter objects around, and standard housework with some help from
small people amidst their caring for new baby stuffed bunnies.

Aside from maneuvering around The Belly---becoming quite the nuisance,
I'm attempting to remain present and enjoy this, The Last One---An
utterly enjoyable day.

I am so grateful, I am so blessed.

Week In, Week Out

The last week of March I spent in a low-grade-fever-haze of coughing, hacking, peeing, and packing the house.  I would never, ever wish that on any woman. Ever.  Somehow I've attracted an impressively busy situation yet again, it seems that when we're in a state of change it can't be simple.  

So, I released Miss Monkey (and myself) from all her homeschool obligations 'cause it was just too too daunting a task to add into packing.  The girls spent their days mostly indoors (sad) simply playing among the chaotic stacks of stuff in/out of boxes.  They made it play though, with collages, mommy-baby doll outings, and lots of other imaginative play.

Mid-week there was a crisis from a mistake I made in a quasi-feverish, pregnant haze while half asleep early the morning before movers were to arrive.  Which moving company called to confirm and pre-authorize our card?  I found out a bit later it was the wrong moving company.  I spent a few hours in a panic, coughing and crying at some random grocery until the situation mostly resolved.

The right movers came, we hauled most clothing and food to Miss J's basement---we are blessed with yet another beneficent lady opening her home to us.  Expecting up to a 3 week stay in a frenetic Rocky Mountain spring creates logistical packing nightmare.  Installed at her place I can rest after the townhouse had been cleaned.  Incredibly grateful for momma friends who cared to come help for a few hours at a time.

Then Easter, we spent at church, simple egg hunt, and dinner with our hostess....and short stints of napping that I might really begin healing the illness I'd been fighting.

The first week of April we spent in some discussion regarding the land lady's apparent resistance to returning our deposit.  Part of me wants to give her a seriously insulting, possibly profanity laced, piece of my mind....the Higher Conscious part of me knows that it's sad she mayn't have the money, it's even sadder that maybe she feels a need to lie, grasp, and live in sustained personal fear.  Part of me wants to take her to small claims court, t'other part knows that it might use more resources than it would provide.  And so we await her decision.  As I type that, I've some visceral irritation at being beholden to someone whom I, we, trusted. I suppose the hurt I'm experiencing is from betrayal, because that's what it is, a betrayal of our efforts and of our honesty.  Then I pray it out, give a heavy sigh, and let go....again and again.

As we settled back into our routine here at Miss J's, the little girls mostly adjusted, but obviously would prefer we were at home.  As it turned out the tenant, when really threatened with proper eviction proceedings, bailed earlier than expected.  The Floor Guys have been working at our house for almost a week, and we expect to camp out in stocking-feet by Friday!  The movers are back to add furniture the following day, and I'll be setting up proper household for the next few days weeks months....but without a prospect that we'll have to move in a year or two, it's much more comforting.  It'll be some hyper-nesting happening as we approach the month of due date for Baby.

I'm proud to notice my growth during this process.  Accepting what I couldn't change, allowing the Littles to be little without expectations, and accepting help when it was offered.  Really, that last bit is incredible.  It takes a lot of growth to show vulnerability, to acknowledge that I need it and to accept help when it's offered.  Watch me grow! 

Miracles are simply the unburying and the 

unleashing of God's already-given good.

- Dr. Roger W. Teel

Not a "Most" Day

Most days I wake with a certain cheerfulness.  Though I haven't succeeded with my ideal schedule yet, it's just as well, I've been able to fit the Care Full things in as needed.  Most days I can wake and begin the day with ease and grace (more so after breakfast).  Most days our rhythm is fairly set, small people are cooperative 'cause our curriculum is pretty fun, simple, the morning lesson moves quickly.

This morning however, I woke with a serious dread to this day.  No particular reason.  I want to sleep for another couple of hours to shake this head-cold experience, I'm not optimistic about the 3yo attitude for the day...it's been brutal the last couple of days.  Monka-Doo has really been testing her boundaries, reminding me of Miss Monkey as she hit Thunderous Threes and I was suddenly in a world of Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot did I do to deserve this hellion of a child?  Monday I think there was maybe only one, ONE, hour of the entire day when (while awake or present) someone wasn't whining, screaming, fig1hting, or crying.
(see also tantrums label)

The Firstborn has been relatively resistant lately with our curriculum, and I get frustrated with any thought-quip that "well it's supposed to simply flow, if you'd do your prep work earlier or more thoroughly."  My reactive response for the moment, "F-off."  The girls miss each other when one is in homeschool connection, then t'other attends her little school following day. So, this morning they are content to play quietly together going on 2 hours now.  And I'm letting them---so, so, very grateful for the reprieve.  Miss Monkey will have to catch up on her work, as it seems she's uninterested in participating at the movement-song-form-draw level, I feel my recourse is to have her sit and do the work much like institutional school, worksheets and whatnot.  Tomorrow is another day.

I just wish I felt better to get some housework and packing complete.  le sigh.  Getting back on track totally with dieta, and continuing the search for the next house.
:- /

 I am in need of a proper camera, partly for LOViNTee purposes. The last one damaged by small people and has gone walkabout, noticing a total lack of photos, save instagram & phone pics....feelin' kinda sad about this.

Monkey milestones

still sleeps on the floor now and then

On stage as the Evil Queen for Snow White

crazed for the tooth fairy

Mathematics block this month

random Quirkle fun

Stock show petting furry creatures

Why Homeschool?

My #1 reason---> freedom:

"With their lives no longer revolving around school hours, homework, and the school calendar, these families plan off-season vacations, visit parks and museums during the week, and live their lives according to what works for them."

http://school.familyeducation.com/home-schooling/parenting/29861.html

My #2 reason:

Spiritual education connected with worldly education.  IMO We've gotten too rabid about separating religion from government(read:public schools) neglecting the truely organic necessity as human beings that we will believe insomething.  

My #3 reason:

Watch this vid if you haven't already, "Changing Education Paradigms":  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U

and then the general stuff....

Pros & Cons:

http://school.familyeducation.com/home-schooling/parenting/29861.html

http://www.educationbug.org/a/cons-of-homeschooling.html

http://www.home-schooling-today.com/

My current favorite as you know, so here are some link of reviews of Enki (the homeschool reviews sight looks great for checking out other curricula):

http://www.homeschoolreviews.com/reviews/curriculum/reviews.aspx?id=481

http://www.theglobalintelligencer.com/dec2007/education

There are tough days, but most days I am so grateful.

: )  Ada

Balloting

Yay!  there will be a 4 year respite from political ads after today (lovely battleground state).  Hopefully people will go back to loving their neighbors and being kind and thoughtful to each other without the constant barrage of negativity from varying parties vying for one's votes.

So, I voted, no I didn't get a sticker.  I can only say, "meh".  I did it 'cause I honor the women that fought for my right to vote, and I have daughters that need to understand the process and the community responsibility of  [presumed] representation.  So that's what we did for morning lesson today.  But otherwise, I am disillusioned about the whole process, sad about the divisive nature it causes in our country, and though I vote I already know that the more things change the more things stay the same.  Seen The Campaign or The Other Guys ?  Both poke "fun" at the reality of the system we've in place.

What would happen if no one voted?  would the electoral college then dissipate and the office remain unfilled? What persons comprise the electoral college?  Here is what came up.

"Electors are often chosen to recognize service and dedication to their political party. They may be State-elected officials, party leaders, or persons who have a personal or political affiliation with the Presidential candidate."


And this is disturbing a bit for me:

"There is no Constitutional provision or Federal law that requires Electors to vote according to the results of the popular vote in their States. Some States, however, require Electors to cast their votes according to the popular vote. These pledges fall into two categories—Electors bound by State law and those bound by pledges to political parties."

That is all.  Happy mid-week!

A

Beans as a learning tool

Happy with beans.  : )

First week--Done!

Yay for us!

The week went as intended, with little to no resistance from Miss Monkey and only one serious outburst from Toddleator E.  I'm glad activities were layering through the past couple of weeks rather than all at once, that would've been overwhelming.  Completed beginning Language Arts stories, though I may have to adapt for her advanced nature with writing, and get the key word journal set up proper.  Mid-week will probably be a Home day in entirety because as the first week was an indication we'll really need the break from running about on Monday & Tuesday.  Here's to intention that we'll be successful keep it "sacred" so to speak.

Toddleator started with the  Enrichment Center which she calls, "Mine school! wiff Mine Friends!"  A few hours that Firstborn and I get to spend together alone, maybe adventuring, maybe hangin' at the library.  And I have to add a Wow! to our local library system, can drop books at any county library, and check them out as well with the same card---Cool! 

Miss Gymnast-Monkey had her very first official USAG meet this weekend.  She was crushed that she didn't win a thing.  Tough competition with almost 100 other little girls all doing the same routine, some of them doing the same level the second year, I understand.  But F, she doesn't understand yet.  I knew it was coming, and I knew it would be dramatic.  She still hasn't asked about her scores, and I'm not going to bring it up unless she wants to start down that path.  We did video her so she could see her performance.  She works so hard, and all of a sudden it was "I hate meets!  I don't wanna do gymnastics anymore."  All in her processing, it came out as somewhat beligerent emotional vomiting on the way home.  We decided to let her sleep on it and then re-visit as needed.  And I'll have to search for children's books that address via storyline the aspects of competition, win or lose.

Happy weekend!
: )

she really was happier than she looks

happy girl!

Miss Monkey Knit

She's definitely enjoying the finger knitting much more than crochet!

Some Enki notes

"...growth is a process of moving from the known to the unknown, which entails working with dynamic tensions."

Body, speech, and mind....
all three awarenesses are part of the human experience at all times from birth to death. However, there is a flavor or texture that underlies the quality of learning and growing in each phase....all the are always part of us, we will only have the automatic, open access to the full scope of each awareness in its own time....during this time it is our job to nourish and strengthen the capacity; only then will we be free to draw on each gift as needed in adulthood.

...there are always moments of gap or fertile space, in which virtually anything is possible.when we notice and make use of these they become times of grace--when growth and change are possible in any capacity, regardless of history.

When Learning becomes collection, not connection--delight is lost.

...conceptual work actually undermines the full physical/neurological development, experience of wholeness, and the ability to openly absorb the natural tasks and gifts odd early childhood...highly academic program because focus is on building foundation which all academic learning depends.

Owl Pellet!

COOL!
Sunglasses used for scale, replete with bones amidst wadded fur.

Neat-O.  Of course Miss Monkey wants to keep it, and so it sits on the patio drying on a piece of foil, awaiting future investigation.

Squeezing our the last bits of summer.  Layering on the activities week by week.  It starts with daytime schedule gymnastics, plus Connection day with Woodrow Wilson, and Toddleator's enrichment center day, then add in our home's-cool curriculum and we've a complete system.

But where oh where does  momma's time get to fit?  Something will manifest, I know it.