Oh my heart aches, it cracks open, and open, and open.  It's joyous sorrow I feel, and it's slippery to contain.  I know I'm making inroads against unconscious behavior, it's just so difficult sometimes, this becoming.  I feel my organs rearranging, though there's resistance there's nothing to fight against, preparing for flight.

Monk-a-doodle has been experiencing illness past few days, still not quite back yet, and Baby R has just been so fussy today.  I've so much work to do and not enough time, and I keep bullishly stepping in my own way creating environmental stress where there needn't be, i.e. tiring myself with less sleep, not eating my best or at all, too much sugar, avoiding yoga and meditation, sitting in overwhelm instead of moving that small inch that's a cinch.

Watching snow fall, wishing I could go out in it and be completely alone for a undetermined time.

And I read this and this.  There's so much becoming all around when one looks for it, we're on an upswing I'm positive.

THIS is WHERE I BEGAN over a month ago.  And now I get to write about a few things I've learned.

• It doesn't matter when I meditate, so long as I do.
• It doesn't matter how I pray, so long as I do.
• It doesn't matter when or how I get my exercise in, even if it's only 15 minutes, it's worth it.
• I will always feel better when these three, or at very minimum the first two, are included in my day.
• When I eat well, it only adds to the wonderful inward climate I've created, and helps to sustain it.
• Love begets love, in all forms, and on all levels.

I've noticed I'm more aware of those small moments with my girls, with others, those opportunities to be loving...especially to myself.  Taking up those opportunities---even if it's that 10 minutes I get to be Still while people are singing overhead---it's always worth the time.  When I wake in the morning lately I immediately begin thinking about when and how I'll get in my exercise, or when I'll hit the cushion.  I'm thinking on how I'll care for my self instead of the littany of things that need to be done, I attribute this to reinforcing my faith that all really is well, and everything will get done in God-time.
No hurry, no worry.
Happy days!

A Personal Improvement Challenge

I noticed something about my posts yesterday, both of them categorized in "tantrums" and timeline labeled "January". I looked at other January posts in the past 5 years and didn't notice anything especially crazed,  some winter blues, but nothing especially noteworthy....so either I didn't feel that I could write it out on the blog, or it wasn't pronounced enough to note.  Possibly there's a pattern in development?  The greatest thing about keeping a journal (or blogging) is that one can look back for patterns in behavior, recognizing these, one can change.

So, in the spirit of altering patterns I'm issuing a challenge to myself, publicly here, to commit to 42 days of Self Care, and an extra day for celebrating success! I'll call it my CARE FULL 43, and I will report here every day what I accomplished which may include though not limited to:

• meditation & prayer, minimum 10'
• yoga, minimum 15'
• some cardio activity, minimum 20'
• spiritual study/reading
• concsious gratitude
• meeting minimun twice a week with spiritual family of choice
• journal at bedtime, even if it's a simple list of Got-it-Done-Today
• set a timer, take twenty to sixty minutes for my self to rest, read something fun, watch something I enjoy, give myself a facial/spa bath---anything that I want to do simply for that reason, I want to.
• minimum one random act of kindness
• tell everyone, "You are Loved"or "I love you" either in kindness or in words
• feed my body for optimum overall wellness
• drink more than enough water
• put a little pocket change in the family "give" jar
• spend time outdoors
• loudly laughing with my kids

If you're reading, is there anything you might add?

Onward!
: )  A

"We may assume that spiritual man is already a success, is already with everything that he needs."
SOM p.270

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”  

~ Martin Luther King

The Man on a Trip

He left this morning, and will be absent for about a week (estimated as of today).  Already I have new appreciation for people who parent alone, or mostly alone.  As I drove away from the gymnasium after Miss Monkey's foray with back handsprings and exhibition team, I thought, "oh I'll get to the gym myself--oh, wait, right, he's gone so, uhmm, I guess I'll have to wait til Monday."

Wait. What?

Yes, I have to wait until Monday, when KidsClub is open, between the hours of 8-1 or 4-8.
May I just say.....efff this sh*t.  Mentally I'm already trying to calculate how many workouts I'll miss or have to pare down to fit in their 2 hour time limit.  Pit that against the minimum workouts possible between now and the tri we are supposedly doing the first week of October.  Out look does not look great, doesn't even look reasonable.  I want to do better this time around, not the same, and certainly not worse.  I can't do better in races unless I'm trained for them.

I'm willing to forgo the rest of the racing season (and save that money) but stay on a training plan, I'm enjoying the plan very much.  I've found that my RPE upper threshold (probably also known as zone 5 with a HRM) is dry heaving.  If I'm doing speed work, I should dry heave at least once to know I've hit my ceiling, and then I'll ease off enough to avoid vomiting.  I've also found that I really really need to get to my yoga rug more often.  I'm more symmetrically balanced strength-wise when I practice and therefore stronger in everything else I'm doing.

Oh, right, and The Man is gone, he's on a train (in part due to his {slightly milder} aversion to flying).  I miss him.  So, the Gigglesisters, who weren't too giggly today, tried in various ways to test out all the mechanisms by which to make mommy fly off the handle.  If anything I became more conscious, especially proud of my response this evening when they were popping around the bedroom after "lightsout."  Hooray for parenting consciously!

Here we go on a crash course in single parenting.
: )    <3 p="p">

p.s. now that my challenge to myself is over, I'm missing writing something every day, even if it's the rather boring everyday life stuff.

Okaaay, I've been procrastinating.  This morning when my alarm went off, I was not especially tired, but I switched it off anyway 'cause I will lie there considering what all I'd like to start my day with and then fall asleep again.  And my alarms look similar to this (except waaay earlier than 7th hour-ish)...

(Thank you John Pozsadsides)

I fool myself into thinking that there isn't enough daylight yet to get out and run or bike alone, or that I could just get to the pool, but then what to do?  AH, that's the key.  I need a plan.  Well, I've been procrastinating that as well because I'd really like to have a heart rate monitor to work with, that's the next step in my training evolution I think.  I buckled down today though and picked a HR based plan in pleasant knowing that a HRM will manifest in my future, in the mean time I'll just stick with RPE (rate perceived exertion) or feel.  I'm good with that.  With a plan in place I've no excuses at 4:00am, here is what the first month looks like:

AdaBug happily back on with BeginnerTriathlete.com.  Yoga right now, then hitting ye olde 24Hour this afternoon post-taxi kiddo from her gym.

Life is good and it goes on and on.

: )  <3

Runnnnn

First thing I thought of this morning 4:15a, "flapdoodle, I didn't post last night."

That's okay.  'Cause I can hit it twice today.

I might have a running buddy, assuming she doesn't mind dragging me along behind.  : )  She's reading this book, Run Like A Mother.   Of course it's on my extensive, "To Read" list.
I've never identified as a "runner", I guess I'm going to have to add to my identifications.
It was better pace than I've hit in a long time and something to look forward to.  I think around 3 miles, what I guess was <10' pace based on my puffing and blowing, our local hills took a toll, add to that an almost complete lack of breakfast = bonky dry heaving, and I bail out at almost 4 miles (total distance ~4.5). Sad I won't be able to say I hit 7 miles this morning but happy to report that I didn't walk all the way back, I did miniature strides.  Yes I made that up.  Strides are ~40yd of form focus run, from standing building to 5k pace.  My mini-strides were loosening up the tightness building in my evolved form I'm working on, and gave me something to do as I was getting home.  I virtuously won't count a .25 mile walk in with my run workout unless there was some decent jogging at minimum.  Tempo or cadence is something I need work on (both with running and cycling).  Those are next steps in my athletic evolution I suppose.

The Happiest of Ways to start the day---Get it on with a run at dawn!
: ) <3

p.s. then YOGA

Optimum Wellness

What is it?  Wellness is a choice.  A couple of weeks ago I remarked to a friend that if someone would hand me all the tools to completely makeover our pantry, I'd be totally into eating cleaner and more sustainably.  My Loving Husband and I attended a Wellness Event hosted by Dr. James Rouse, where we were handed the tools to do just this.  Complete with menu, shopping list, recipes, and explanations for both phases one of which is a gentle 3 week cleanse.  I picked up the Rouses' cook book as well, Colorado Fit Kitchen, it's beautifully loaded with good for you food.
So, for the first few days both The Man and I have been without flour products, dairy, and sugar of any kind.

It's challenging...and I'm hungry.
In fact, I'm hungry often enough in the past 3 days to wonder if there isn't something awry with my metabolic process/blood sugar/insulin.  I'll be checking in here to chronicle this adventure and it's affects with triathlon training, yoga practice, parenting, and the rest.

My favorite quote from Dr. Rouse;
"Every time you eat is an opportunity to show your [body] love."

Thank You Gratitude

I'm likening gratitude to a steam engine.  Some days it's challenging to get it going, the wheels might slip with that initial forward chug, but once the momentum has gotten the best of the weight of my activities, gratitude is self perpetuating.  This moment gives birth to the next.  If I fill this moment with gratitude, the next moment can't help but bring blessings.

A is for abilities, of which I have many (apple pie, too, I made for The Man's birthday).
B is for bounty, which will be on our table this Thursday.
C is for cat, Porter is older than the kids. <3
D is for downward dog, yoga-yoga-yoga.
E is for Toddleator E, whose bright silliness fills our moments with giggles.
F is for Miss Monkey, whose imagination, energy, and intensity are sparks through the day.
G is for gymnastics coaches who take my Bigger Girl and have aided teaching her strength and determination.
H is for help, and knowing when to ask for it.
I is for me, and the I Am that I Am.
J is for juggling, 'cause one day I'll know how.
K is for kites.
L is for love, that really does conquer all.
M is for magnets as grateful hearts collect blessings.
N is for night, when those babies are sleeping.
O is for others, those people that change me.
P is for pumpkin, with which I will bake.
Q is for quiche, because it's so tasty.
R is for ribbons for little girl hair.
S is for soup, 'cause Soup Season is here!
T is for The Man, he's totally tops I tell you!
U is for umbrella, as F is obsessed with them.
V is for vibration, and a higher frequency at that.
W is for water, running through my home.
X is for Ximena, who complimented my Spanish accent.
Y is for you, yes, I'm grateful, thankful, for you.

Workout Wagon

I'm hanging on by fingertips to the workout wagon, haven't completely fallen off, but it's been close.  Spotty yoga, and running now and then, some weight training when  possible.  Since I've lost my suit swimming has been out of question.  I'm back to where I began years ago with yoga and running solely.  Without a trailer or a bike trainer I'm SOL for riding my bike and can only use imagination for the spin bikes at the gym.  Eating hasn't been too crazy (other than The Fever week).  I've managed to avoid too much process sugar eating alot of quinoa salad and smoothies.  Being without butter for over a week makes one creative with breakfast.  I realized I don't like to eat toast without butter, and I certainly couldn't bake anything.  The holidays approach though, and I'm loathe to try to change the menu, there's just so much comfort in those holiday foods.  Chatting with an acquaintence recently regarding eating vegan-esque, gluten free, etc.  I would totally do it if I personally didn't have to expend the time and energy making the switch.  If I won a personal chef/grocery shopper for a year I would definitely change a lot of what we eat.  For now though I make small changes, like not drinking much milk, eating fatless greek yogurt, more and more veggies and salads, simply cutting back on the bread.  Now that our mega-box store membership is back on I'm enjoying buying organic items (yay!).  A related note, that mega-box store membership happens to represent a big component of abundance & opulence for me.  It's comforting for me to see that there is definitely enough.

A brief fall rhythm synopsis.

One Wednesday
-Breakfast
-Spanish for an hour or so
-Off to New Thought Mommies group, hanging around working on writing and letters with note cards for her friends (no other mommies today)
-Home for lunch and contributions to the household
-E fighting some illness, naps and down time
-To Yoga for Young Warriors
-Home again for dinner with The Man, and service work
-Final home again, yoga, studying, sleep

Awake again too early with someone coughing too much, then barely 40 minutes later someone else hollering.
I'm awake now for real, and not going back to sleep as I need coffee and eggs to bake something for potluck today. Grateful to be done with cold virus. Jog to the grocery for supplies and arrive just as The Man appears ready to begin shouting for me from the patio.

Just when I think we're into a rhythm something goes slightly awry and then there's flex time before settling back in.
Ah, the wisdom of uncertainty.

Today.  Up early, before them.  Coffee, emails, then yoga with the Firstborn...short though 'cause we heard Toddler E up and at them.  Then cycle class at the gym, and a drive up to see some foliage.

Watching F standing oh-so-quietly, bedecked in pink sparkly formal dress and rubber boots, listening for grasshoppers to attempt capture for a pet.  Baby Sister scuffing shoes in the dirt, listening to the gravel crunch of the path, and baby-bouldering practice on the large mossy rock.  Elk bugling, not so far away several of a herd including the big male, great practice with looking eyes and listening ears.  My stifled laughter while I say, "Especially this time of year,"  as she sits in the back commenting on how "horn-ey the male elk are...mama, he had horns like this."

Gratuitous giggles in the chilly creek at our Lair o' the Bear stop. Exploring the riparian zone, chatting about food chains and water flow.  In classic form, Miss Monkey quips, "I'm keeping my self SO dry!" She loses balance on her cobble, comes so near an impromptu self-baptizing (only the hem dipped).  Collecting fall leaves for our window decorations, heading back with bare foot to avoid gravel in the shoes.  Toddler E runs away from me when it's time to load up, we head back down the mountain to join up with playmates pre-TIGAR.

A lovely day all in all.  And now for infamous chicken chili n' corn chips. nom nom nommm.

Workouts n' whatnot

Having finished breastfeeding a few weeks ago, it seems the liquid fat my body has been clinging to is melting slowly away.  I'm kinda sad to have breastfeeding end, I know and she knows it's time though.  I'm sure to get enough cuddling in whenever we need to.  My workouts have been sporadic but more often.  I plugged in a training plan and hit about half the workouts.  I gave up on trying to force a solution though, I noticed I was becoming b*tchy and crazed, feeling like a failure when I messed up the plan.  So, I surrendered the results.  Suddenly, Baby E was sleeping through the night, and time started stretching.

I'm amazed that on a a given day I can pull off a triple workout if I feel like it---would never have been able to do that 5 years ago.  I might pick up a run, or a bike on a whim.  I can complete a long swim in (~2k yds) pretty comfortably and still survive the rest of the day pleasantly.  Daily life has become easier, and I think it's because I've given up trying to force it all to happen on my timeline.  One day in the far future I'll have more than all the time I need, until then I'm becoming more and more content to hang out and be present when the need arises.  And Their needs are never ending.  

I dropped in on a Zumba class.  While bouncing and shaking my nether-bits to fun world music, I giggled time and again....this is the dancing I used to attempt after a cocktail or four, in dark noisy clubs, delusional I was unique hot-stuff.  And now, I, and the rest of the middle-aged (and more) ladies have been relegated to flapping our flesh in a brightly lit box at prescribed hours of the week---probably so we won't frighten the general public.  It's a fun workout. I wonder, what if I didn't have the stability and core strength, though?  I could see how it might injure some-sedentary-one off the street.  Also, I had a free training session with a lady-trainer at my daughter's gymnastics gym, TRX is too too fun!  Really challenging and just what I enjoy.  I finally made it back to my yoga rug, after months of avoidance.  Short but sweet practice, I need to find an Ashtanga studio within reasonable driving distance.

Kinda sad that our bodies mayn't reflect the inward youth we retain.  The best I plan to do for my earthly vessel is everything I've been doing, tweaking the diet a bit, keep on keeping on.  As I am inward, I will show outward.