It's not you, it's me

Last night, beginning SOMAS 601 Class (again), I got the "Surrender" angel card.  But that was after I picked up both the "Joy" and "Intention" cards.

My little epiphany came with a wallop...I'm the common denominator here. It's not a child's fault they're acting out, it's always some new stress they're processing that comes out sideways. My reactions are my own. They, we all as babies, arrive here perfectly equipped to have a beautiful life, and then they encounter US.

At this moment there is a lot rumbling around inwardly. Guilt about all my lack of parenting skill, my perceived lack of love. Sadness that they didn't choose better people to be their parents.  Compassion for their little souls stuck with me, I who barely have any idea what I'm doing.  More sadness for all the other little souls in bodies possibly in situations that are much worse off than ours.

A reminder pops up, that every one of us, every single one, is exactly where they are supposed to be at any given moment.  Every single action, reaction, re-reaction, and consequence is exactly what it is supposed to be....because I know that no thing happens in this world (or any other) by mistake.  God doesn't make mistakes.  But we do.  My thought life has been fraught with self-loathing only a perfectionist would understand, and it runs so very deep.  It's hard to admit, but as I name the difficulties I have with my children, I'm thickening the idea into our shared experience.  I.e. discussing how 3 year olds are particularly difficult, only makes it more true.

Knowing that God doesn't make mistakes, does not make it any easier though, grasping at imagined perfection causes suffering.

Then there comes a feeling of calm and bliss, and sadness. I've poured myself into this job, I'm in the thick of raising these little people into reasonably functioning young adults...sometimes I've so much love I might burst or melt down molecular-ly.

As an exercise for class I'm suppose to awake with activation of I AM, but in the form of I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN, which is a semantic tool to activate memory from whence we all came. Because, in the Light of Creation there is no want, no lack, no ego suffering, there is only Love, Peace, Joy.

So, I wake this morning thoughtfully creating my "I Have Always Been..." statements.

I have always been Loving

I have always been Joyous

I have always been Peaceful

I have always been Compassionate

I have always been Empathetic---and I stopped.

Have I?

I'm reminded then of an article I read, the pediatrician that believes now that Cry It Out method damages parts of the brain that create connective empathy.

My mom would brag about how I was a Dr. Spock baby, and at the time it was the "go to" child care book, and he was a definite "cry it out" proponent.  I'm theorizing that my handicapped empathetic response (and sympathetic response) is result of "best practices" for 1977.

So, I experience empathy shortage. How to cultivate it? Rather how do I access that limitless compassion, hence empathy and sympathy, that comes from the wellspring of our innate divinity?

How indeed, because I am well aware, we are only able to accept love at our conceived level of self worth.  And truly I have not much compassion for my self, most notably when I make mistakes as a parent.  Not little every day, oops-I-packed-the-wrong-lunch mistakes, but relationship-altering, possibly-damaging-to-emerging-young-selves mistakes.

Down the rabbit hole, though the roots are thick and tangled, there is Truth hidden there. I will re-mind it.

I made the phone calls I needed to, including a couple to friends. The eldest is reading downstairs, the middle and third are sleeping.  Left to myself I know there are a multitude of things to do in order that the house is cared for, workouts to get in, crafts backed up in my little room---feeling overwhelmed a bit I know I need to sit down and write.  It's January again.

I've decided I like January, it's quiet, simple. No major go-do-gift holidays, it's nice---mostly.

As I was losing my temper with the 3yo today, I watched my reaction occur. She didn't want to nap, and history shows that the resistance to said nap is directly proportional to the necessity of the nap. She was having her standard fit about it, and I didn't handle it as well as I have in past times.  When I don't catch her initial energetic down turn, it's difficult to get her to quiet time.

Maybe it's 'cause the baby wouldn't sleep either, maybe it's 'cause I didn't get to start the errands early as I planned, maybe it was the disappointment of not getting to the gym (baby had a random fever last night)...combination of many things.  I yelled, loudly, aggressively, with intent to frighten.

And I'm sick about it.

Though I handle it better than I did with the firstborn at three, in my heart I know I can act better.

Random lamentation, caterwauling is a trigger for me. There's a memory of emotion, feeling out of control and being taught, through fear and threats, feelings needed control at ALL cost.  Slapped, slapped again and again and again, into silence.

I observe this urge to hit them into silence, until they learn to shut up, because my anger is more important than your being---it's a memory of me as a little girl.  I've realized that my hurt from the incident(s?) is the basis of the trigger.  [I remember one incident clearly: my maternal grandmother threatened to slap me with her sandal unless I stopping crying right that instant...years later she, and my mom, deny that that could've every happened, causing me to question my memory, my reality.]

I don't hit my kids, I don't want to hit my kids. When I'm depleted emotionally, physically, spiritually....The Bully in me comes out.  This bully doesn't care about feelings, doesn't care about talking, doesn't care that others have needs. This bully only cares to hurt those around her because she's forgotten how to love her self.

{---dead pause---there's a baby crying, then the doorbell rings, and my process is brought to a standstill, to be continued another day, others' needs before my own...But I'll add this silly poem I wrote}

I want to be somebody else's mommy

someone grateful and kind

someone quiet and sweet

A ghost of a child than the real one I got

I want to be somebody else's mommy

where tears don't stain our cheeks

fusses and screams aren't part of my week

where I'm not stretched to my limit of personal growth

where frustration and anger are more a bygone joke

I want to be somebody else's mommy

you are too much like me

there's so much that needs change

I'm too too imperfect you see

You deserve better than me

And I forget to be grateful

for those everyday pains

Forget that others would gladly trade spaces

Yet some days, still,

I want to be somebody's else's mommy.

And after all that, at the end of this day or any other, all I really want to hear from anyone, is "Me, too."

This Year

Last year this time we were beginning the search for another place to live, and preparing to file bankruptcy. This year, we've redefined our finances and successfully, and gratefully, been living abundantly.

This year we moved (again), and made firm decision to live in This House for the forseeable future, we are purchasing, and stretching out into the permanence of our decision. Interestingly this material permanence has produced interior growth and shifts.

This year I succeeded in homeschooling my firstborn into reading and the 4 arithmetic processes, then spring came as did the bouncing baby boy, and lots of learning for the Little-Big sister as well as the Big-Big sister.  It became painfully apparent in the fall that homeschooling wasn't serving her, my energetic resources were stretched too thin. The school we enrolled with has been a serendipitous blessing. Her favorite subjects at holiday break are handwork, eurythmy, and spanish.  Observing her this Christmastime, she's grown immensely, the space created with her attendance to Mountain Phoenix has allowed she and I to travel more parallel than crosswise.  With a whole new community to explore and connect with, she and I have had our work cut out for us---for me especially amidst learning the means and methods of brick-and-mortar school.  And I've mourned the change, still do when I come across some curriculum material.  I've fallen in love with her again, she's really a magnificent little person.  She's lost teeth, gained a new kitten and a couple of hermit crabs, gotten her ears pierced, left gymnastics, learned to knit, started soccer and is excited about volleyball.

This year, Little-Big sister, giggly in the middle, has grown into a character of comedy.  While she does push in her 3 year old way, it's been interesting watching her roll into her role.  With a break from her big sister she's grown into her own person bit by bit, has her own community of friends at MHCEC.  Lovely have been the afternoons driving to the pick up line while The Second-born is giggling herself stupid in the backseat making baby brother laugh.  It appears she's about to step up into the preschool room, quite a bit earlier than I ever considered...based on her verbal skills, her ability to use scissors, and dress herself among many other things.

This year, a beautiful baby arrived, he graced us with his presence late May and has been a complete joy.  It must be stated, boys and girls are different from the start.  As soon as he surpassed the first vague interactions, without coercing, steering, or guiding...boys are different than girls.  He has a different personality of course, but I'm noticing, what I surmise, are basic male v. female differences with development and activity and interest.  I find myself studying all little boys more closely, researching this boy-energy.  He's starting to rock, he creeps a bit, and tummy-spins and rolls about the floor loudly babbling his focus or his frustration. Already he has definite opinions about injustices of mommy needing to eat or potty-break. Gratefully he has innate patience when it's necessary to focus my attention on the ridiculous 3 year-old antics.

This year, The Man and I have succeeded in moving the household, straightening out and recommitting our responsibilities financially, getting comfortable and enjoying our community, disagreeing then agreeing, laughing and loving, redoubling our conscious parenting efforts, gracefully growing forward.  I'm so blessed to have this man as my partner in this adventure.

Happily happily into the new calendar year!

Rainbow days

After a storm there are rainbows. I had several phone calls and a

surprise visit from The Man, I took small actions toward
mitigating the chaos, and started to feel better. That momentum built
a good finish to the day and into the next. Amazing how prayer works, even simply in the asking for help there is peace.
There were no giant altercations betwixt the girls, the baby was
typical happy baby, and I got some more done with the house. I forget that effectively we just moved in. Moving, remodeling, requires patience of process.

Grateful for the dojo as an added accountability for The Firstborn and her behavior.

Grateful on the way home this evening we chased a rainbow. F was so excited trying to figure out how to reach the end of that rainbow, I thoroughly enjoyed discussing strategy with her, negotiating where we should turn or of it was fading.

 Grateful for puzzle time with the Second born and soccer time with her sister, grateful for my ability to feed my baby and share my milk, most of all grateful for the abundance we love and live in.

Truly, Life is good, ALL The Time.

Birth in the Park

At a very large, very crowded urban park recently, pickin' up on the neighboring mommy blanket, I chatted friendly with a couple of other crunchy mamas.  A bit later I was slightly agape watching her 2 year old strip down nude and birth her baby doll.

Yes, read it again.  Mama encouraged her daughter through the doll-birthing process, "that's right, push the baby out" and "you're such a good mommy."

It took me almost a week to process the feelings that came up with this experience.

The first thing that happened, Monk-A-Doodle, my token lovin'-naked-life-child, came to ask "it's okay to be naked outside?" 

Carefully I said, "yes, it is okay to be naked outside. Though, sweetheart," surveying the expanse, "I'm not comfortable as this park is so big, and so busy right now, so just keep your swimsuit on, okay?"  This child is so very tactile in her soothing and cuddling, I also couldn't be sure what she'd do.  

To be socially responsible I've learned to take others' comfort level into account.  (Incidentally if we had and expanse of private land, there'd definitely be some instance of naked baby butts outside.  Butt then there's this option.)  I guess I've become somewhat a prude in my maturing mommy-hood years, or maybe it's because I've little girls and I'm too aware of over-sexualization of young girls in our society.

As for the mock birth the little girl played out, it's probably a realistic throwback to tribal days when all the women and girls were involved on some level to aid a woman giving birth.  It actually caused me to think I might've taken a different tack with F, but the way things occur in this era---I answer the questions that come up in an honest succinct manner, careful not to over-answer (this book is great).  Introducing life experience subject matter like birth and nursing makes sense, even if they mayn't have a conscious memory of the pretending, it would hopefully match their intuitive nature later on, making the whole experience less frightening.  

Maybe that momma was a doula or a midwife and it's part of their daily life experience, it brought up interesting thought process for me.  In a follow-up conversation a dear friend helped with a final aspect I had been struggling with but hadn't been able to put to words.  It was the public nature of the display.  Birth, like death I think, is an intensely private experience.  We invite only trusted people and family into that experience, and typically carefully choose our location for focus and comfort. The very public nature of that particular park, well, it was a shock to my system.

I'm beginning to love all manner of challenging experiences.  Life is good, all the time!

my babies nursing their baby dolls

Diaper Notes

Newborns are different to diaper than chubby 3-4 month olds, my newborn weighed ~7# but gained so quickly that I switched up to next size from newborn prefolds by the end of first month.  Higher frequency of changes mean necessary 24 minimum on hand, and ideally fit is key though leaks are rare 'cause there's just not that much production yet.  (see also my blogged diaper discoveries Pt 1 & Pt 2)

Happily, in my eclectic Bin O'Diapers, are 2 bumGenius stuffable All-In-Ones, and 1 bumGenuis pocket, all three I am loving for night-time. The fit is good, stretchy tabs at snaps, good elastic, these will fit for months and months.

A friend gifted me 2 Imse Vimse wraps that of course work well with the dipes of same brand, a terry organic cotton contour (ergonomic) fit, have been great for this newborn and will work great up until he outgrows them (just as his sister did).

Grandma gifted 2 RumpARooz Lil' Joeys, not sure a more perfect diaper for newborns exists.  These are the only fitted diapers I've ever owned, everything else is effectively One-Size and it's been an adventure finding what "one-size" truly means per brand.  Anyway, RumpARooz patented inner gusset is super functional, there's a snap down for umbilical, these work just like a 'sposie.  My Boy started wetting through these at about 1 month though.  Poly-fleece, while popular for it's "stay-dry" aspect simply isn't as absorbent as natural fiber.

Yet another friend gifted several WeeHugger wraps with a mountain of g-Diaper's disposable and reusable inserts.  I'd read about Wee Hugger but not tried them, and I'm pleased with the fit and versatility. The disposable g-Inserts I'm familiar with, though we'd never tried the reusables.  These are fleece backed with (best guess) hemp/cotton blend, after Baby Boy started soaking through one fleece insert I simply added another, and the doubled inserts have been working well in the pocket dipes. These wraps have also been accommodating for pre-folds as well.

And a New Find at the gently used section of GGB---Gen-Y wraps.  A short snap-over design, hip fabric with a nice thick PUL layer, and deep outer gussets.  Both the WeeHugger and Gen-Y become damp or even soaked depending on time worn, so they're not exactly "wipe clean", but generally I can use one wrap all day much like the RumpARooz wrap I purchased for Baby as well.

Incidentally when perusing gently used diaper merchandise here are tips:

• look closely for stains, if it's breastmilk sunlight will take care of it easily, though if otherwise beware
• listen to elastic, if it's creaky when stretched, it's old, in a heated dryer too often and won't last too much longer
• look at seams with PUL lining, if its cracking or pealing it's been in the hot dryer too often, expect wicking
• carefully consider the new price vs. used price, in my opinion a used diaper item should be half or less than half of the full price new---unless it is really in stellar un-used condition, i.e. washed once never used

Some great huge gratitudes for community we've gained, the main reason I can expound yet again on subject of diapering.  LOVE!

Sweet grunts and squeaks, a fluffle-snort like a foal, chuffs and complaints, man-burps and butt noises, latch-snmacking while nursing, shrill squ-whistles on the inhale when suffering injustices of baby hood...this boy is noisey.  His voice is beginning to change into a baby cry from the newborn's signature lament, and it sounds a lot like E's tone and timber.  His choking and coughing at my let-down reflex, and his simple existent noisey-ness reminiscent of F.  But he is his own.  I know there are similarities, there should be, they are siblings.  But he is his a new unique instance.  

As a sleepy, sleepy baby, he takes a good long time grunting, stretching, and fluffling before he's fully awake.  Something I've had to ask the girls to "please, oh, please, do NOT disturb your brother until he's really awake!"  He's getting used to the crib by degrees, and I do enjoy a few hours sleeping 'alone'.  Co-sleeping has great advantages regards to bonding and easy access breastfeeding, I attribute his stellar weight gain partly to the co-sleeping.  What Mama would refuse opportunity to gaze at sleeping newborn? cuddled up and cozy? None, I say.  Since I heard a comic quip that babies don't sleep, I'm gaining new meaning for "sleep like a baby." It's that best sleep, the warm, safe, and loved sleep. Sleep that we all cherish and should be more sacred I think.  

A couple of weeks ago in his eyes there was fleeting vague recognition of his existence here, a brief connection when I looked into these deep blues.  Now, such a short time later, he's truly connecting with us.  Giving sweet new smiles by turn, and coo-ing in that magical new baby tone.

He's a standard issue miracle.  I'm so blessed to have three of these, and so, so grateful.

one was already awake

Good nights and interesting nights.  Last night was interesting.  Today we are all tired, and so on emotional ragged edges.

I get up and in the quiet breakfast moments while baby is still sleeping and kids are eating, I have a great idea to post here.

THEN while 'puter is open I skype my mom, clear my inbox, check the calendar.  Baby is awake and so begins the diaper-nurse-nurse-diaper-play/sleep pattern.

Someone bigger has a fit 'cause her cardboard project isn't working out exactly that way she wanted.

Then the beds need to be made prompting a fit from the smaller one.

Like I said, the raggedy emotional edges this morning from sleep lacking in the past few long summer days, topped off by last night's severe storm warning and baby brother fuss-fuss-fussing nigh on 2 hours.

It'll be an interesting day....and whatever creative inspiration I had, flitted out the window with the daily operation.  *BIG sigh*

So it goes. All is well when I remember....

My super power

Besides super hearing, eyes in the back of my head, and ubermama-6th sense...I make milk.  Mega-milk too, since Baby Boy gained average 2 oz. a day since birth. Feelin' pretty superpowered. : )  

And Then There Was Reign

A day after our short mountain adventure, early labor in earnest.  The Man convinces me to head northerly toward the W.H.O. hospital I loved so much with E's birth, so we do (it's a 35 minute drive without traffic).  And my labor all but stops.  We had a nice morning date, bit of coffee, breakfast, walking, then visiting dear friends' house to attempt to relax, and lots of laughing.  But I wasn't getting much action in the labor ing department.  I decided I'd take my friend up on her offer of castor oil.  We'd done everything else as far as self-induction (spiciest foods, slippery elm, hiking/elevation change, walking-walking-walking, and even the old standby wives tale which incidentally works best with a "hat trick" of specific activity ;).  I figured a tablespoon would either kick this labor into gear for real, or simply send me to the bathroom.  After a phone call to the doc, some deliberation and discussion, we decided to head back home.

I got to nap, Grandma kept the Littles at bay for me, and pressure waves were intermittent.  Between 3-3:45 labor started in earnest, and I phone The Man to retrieve me and head back toward hospital.  We embarked the vehicle and began The Drive.

Contractions (a.k.a pressure waves) were ~5' apart, 30 miles to travel, at 4pm on one of the busiest surface streets in the area.  It.was.harrowing.  The Man asked me at one point, "should I be breaking traffic laws?"  My answer, "if you can safely, then do it."  I didn't know what stage I was truly in, 'cause the other two babies came after doses of pitocin.  So, he's breaking traffic laws, not running lights (yet), and probably pissing many people off---until they look into the car, there's no way to miss The Belly and a woman clearly focusing intently.  "No, pushing!" he says over and over.  And finally we're almost there, we can see the hospital!

"Oh, my god, there's a wreck."  

A big wreck, over the entire 3 lane highway, it's completely blocked, they're turning people around.  "$%^#!" we pull up to a policewoman, she tells us we have to take another route, her only other option is an ambulance.  We drive back the 2 miles to the previous intersection, angling around the line of traffic, surely 'causing everyone to question the sanity of Texans (mom's plates).  The officer at this intersection calls for assistance immediately after The Man screams, "MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY!!"  He then escorts us back to the accident, and through it, this being the shortest most direct route.  Blessings on that motorcyclist and the involved vehicle, and that officer.  

We arrive safely at hospital, fully engaged in active labor, though things had slowed a bit, and I hear them call up to the L&D floor, "You have a 'mul-tip' on her way up in active labor."  As it turns out "mul-tips" are mommas who've had multiple births, and it's expected that delivery will be fast it immediately puts nurses on alert.  Though I'd said many times this pregnancy that it's not like the movies, this experience most certainly was more film worthy than any other!  Rushing in a wheel chair through the hospital, contracting all the way.  

Upon arrival and settling in there was a period of slight calm, and then pretty standard labor.  I asked them to leave me unhooked so I could move freely from bed, to ball, to rocker, to tub, to rocker, to bed.  The superb nurses only monitored me when necessary.  After a second dilation check, it got really Real, real fast.  From 6 to 10 cm and begging (loudly) to push in 18 minutes.  They didn't even put monitors back on for pushing.  I got to do it old school, by feel.  It. was. magnificent.  

And so, after such an adventure, baby boy Reign Calum arrived.  We are so glad you've come!

We went up the mountain a little ways today. And it was great to get out.

My Dear Mom has been staying with us for a week now, and notwithstanding some challenges it's been enlightening.

My Miss Monkey, though full of complaint before we left, actually said, aloud, "Thanks for making me come up here, Mom." And she was incredibly pleasant and helpful throughout the day.

The Second born was pliable and sweet, until I removed her sweater....oh horrific horror! How dare I attempt to make her more comfortable. She caterwauled all the way back to the car. I felt bad about it, though I couldn't allow the caterwauling to influence my decision. Eventually she calmed to a thinking state and I apologized, explaining that I realize my mistake, and when she'd ask calmly I'd happily give it back, 'cause crying won't ever help me change my mind.  In her combination of hunger-tired-heat, she heard me, barely, but never wanted the sweater back.

And I'm still pregnant.  Just hitting the 39 week mark. Plenty of activity in slow process of early labor, I'm just too too excited to meet this little person and have my body returned fully unto my self.

Toddleator is a big 3 now, she was so excited for her Birthday Brunch restaurant treat, and then upon arrival home there was a gift bag from Ms D.

The Elder of the Two had a great first CARA meet, she cleaned up in fact.  I'm not sure it's exactly fair with her USAG background bringing her into a totally recreational league.  She really enjoyed her success (2nd AA, 1st bar, 1st floor, 6th beam, 3rd vault), and I enjoyed the more relaxed vibe and considerably shortened duration.

I had gorgeous flowers awaiting me both from my parents and my prospective sister-in-law and brother.

little gymnast hornin' in on my pic

And then to top it all off we had gourmet fabulous cupcakes with a bit of ice cream.  A totally successful relaxing weekend.  

blurry, but the only one we're all smiling

My Mother's Day was simple and lovely, some chocolate and strawberries, a picnic and a walk around the park.  Happy Momma.

NOW, let's have a baby!

The BIRTHDays Are Here

I had a lovely, simple birthday.  I got a nice breakfast, home facial, a bit of yoga, meditation, short Morning Lesson with my Big Girl, and off we went to celebrate a fabulous local shop's first birthday as well.  Though I spent too much time perusing the supplies we made it to my OB appointment then spent the afternoon with dear friends, Lucky Pie pizza, and Sweet Cow Ice Cream.  Back on our side of town we met for lite grocery shopping and a quick meal pick-up.  The girls were so wasted and belligerent with lack of rest (most especially the Younger of The Two) it was a sad comedy getting them fed and sacked out.  

The Elder of The Two then had her birthday celebration the following day, with a Kenpo sparring workshop, trips to the Lego and comic book stores, then a Rockin' Kitchen and ice cream get together at Scrumptious.  An unintended bonus is that her birthday is May the Fourth Be With You, so, many Star Wars perks were had.  

The weekend hasn't been without challenges here and there, nothing that Love & Logic skills couldn't handle.  In trying to keep it simple we overlooked a couple of things that were pretty important to Miss Monkey, namely singing the Birthday Song and blowing out candles.  We're still rookies in a certain sense when it comes to her, it's rather difficult to keep up with her expectations discerning which are truly important and which are red herrings.  As it turned out, those two items were non-negotiable, though everything else she listed about her day as not ideal weren't necessary.

Next weekend the Younger will have her birthday slightly occluded by her elder sister's first CARA gymnastics meet, otherwise it's business as usual.  I am starting to feel some real pressure to have certain items on hand before relaxing into the birthing process---like peanut butter, toilet paper, and frozen foods.  I am so ready to have this babe in arms rather than pummeling my innards, causing physical discomfort and effectively handicapping me.  Ideally, I'd like to have the entire house in proper order, but I'm realistic.  I've already wiped down a majority of the house as we moved in, no worries there.  Getting other things ready, however, has been a challenge as I feel I can't do anything until, but then there are To-Do's that must be done before.  I need a place for baby to sleep (when not with us in bed), a few items for the baby to wear, and a couple of swaddling blankets. The diapers are all collected and clean, ready to use.  Though I have to figure out a mattress and bedding for it, the crib is in house.  For myself, I'd like my sling, nursing cover, nursing bra or two, and an UnderCover Mama.....and maybe one or two other things that will come up as needs inevitably do.  

So it goes, so it beautifully goes.  I am so blessed, I am so grateful.

Such A day...

...Was yesterday, difficult to the max, and although slightly ill, I
handled myself very well up until a belligerent eldest child made
terrible threats during her emotional drunk in the afternoon.
Grateful it passed, we reconciled, and talked about it, all is well
again. There's a pattern there, few and far between, but still a
pattern that can be avoided....praying guidance on How.

Today we awoke to snow. Another spring dowsing, and it continued all
day. After dropping The Younger of the Two at the CEC I was treated
to the final chapter of Houndsley & Catina while I enjoyed a cup of
tea. Then we had fun with our Morning Lesson and got thoroughly
involved with organizing all the previous work we've done. Quite
gratifying to see how far she's come and all the material we've
covered. She's yet to choose work for her final good book or binder,
and I'm excited to see what she chooses.

Whipped up a killer tomato soup, with grilled cheese of course,
followed by quiet time for all. Wiped some more walls down moved some
lighter objects around, and standard housework with some help from
small people amidst their caring for new baby stuffed bunnies.

Aside from maneuvering around The Belly---becoming quite the nuisance,
I'm attempting to remain present and enjoy this, The Last One---An
utterly enjoyable day.

I am so grateful, I am so blessed.

I stole your basketball.

Rollin' up on 36 weeks. So excited to meet this person!

Another Spring Day

There's snow outside again.  Colorado springtime means fat snowflakes fluffing all over my truck.  Frenetic behavior of the weather one never knows if it'll be snow boots or Toms---I remember being so confused our first spring here.  So, we've been installed in the house for little more than a week.  The kitchen is mostly in place, and other rooms are falling into order around that hub.  But only barely falling into order.  There are boxes that won't be unpacked until the walls are painted, or there are shelves and cubbies to store items. Some boxes are such low priority I don't expect to see them until Christmas.  The floors turned out beautifully, and though the fumes were almost unbearable for a few days (for me), it's been lovely getting accustomed to the gentle distinctive creaks.  There is much work to be done improving the place, The Man has all kinds of plans and ideas.  He's alternately infuriated and excited about his self-described "new toy".  I imagine he's somewhat stressed out with the very idea of owning outright considering he's the bread winner right now.  With me rolling around, nearly ready to pop, I'm not much use when it comes to unpacking.  I can really only point and direct boxes to their proper and logical locations.  

I've only just today started to check in on supplies for Baby.  Really beginning to feel a bit of mental pressure to prepare.  Shockingly, when I sorted through the outsized/seasonal item bin, I found only four gender neutral items that would work for an infant. FOUR.  Two short-sleeve onesies (one stained but wearable), and two pair of overalls.  The rest of the items were iddy-biddy dresses for 18m little girl, and a few bigger-girl items I handed immediately to Miss monkey to distribute.  Gratefully diapers are totally taken care of, though I'd probably do well to get a shortlist together including newborn onesies and a few newborn pre-folds.  Then there are bigger ticket items that will postpone easily enough (Ergo carrier), or those I need to retract from friends, sadly.  All will come together though and in due time.

In the mean time,  here's a mandala that Miss Monkey designed and colored of her own accord.

F 2013 April

Hapai the Third

This has been almost fun, definitely easy.  Now that we're in the last trimester I've become fairly encumbered with the basketball I'm smuggling, my feet have receded beyond my view, hard to tie my shoes while standing, discomforting other symptoms only mitigated with horizontal rest and exceptional diet, hunger resultant of my cardio activity has been foremost almost every moment, heartburn is becoming a more consistent daily experience, and my innards are really beginning to be tenderized with this little person's antics.

Dieta change? or different gender?  We won't know until the New Person arrives toward the end of May.  The systems check indicated all is definitely well as development is concerned thus far.  I recognize my pregnancies with the girls, differing slightly, had more in common than either experience with this pregnancy. Notes: no serious continual food aversions; actually forgetting for an instant here and there that I am pregnant, thinking I need to hit the gym in a bad way, up until recently as my rotund shape does not allow me to forget; 'morning' sickness was wholly tied into my choice for breakfast (before it was like an all day hangover), my husband has not said to me "you smell different"; even church acquaintances notice that I'm carrying differently than with E, more forward and less outward, I haven't gained as much weight this time, definitely associated with diet.  I feel really good most of the time, other than bodily fatigue, all is well.  If this is what subsequent pregnancies will be like, I could totally do this again---although I'm not especially game to put the strain on my body.  Really happy with the age difference between E and the New One, allowing my body to heal completely, regain muscle tone, and there's a decent gap for E before her world changes drastically.  F is totally into the whole idea of being Biggest Sister. She's excited to help both with E's transition to sisterhood and getting hands-on with the infant, and she's already forming a bond with the baby, still announcing to everyone that mayn't have noticed the obvious right away, "my Mom's pregnant!"

Meditation while pregnant (M.w.P) is interesting, when I get still for a bit of time there's extra kicking & squirming.  I skipped my spring class (SOMAS 601), even though I'd've enjoyed getting it finished, I really just wanted to do the class alone, and that's impossible until Fall.  Besides, with the move happening I wasn't willing to add yet another activity to our already very busy schedule.

Content, happy, healthy, harmonious, and excited to meet this New Person!

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Day 26 (Today, Tuesday)
up early, eating very well, though not early enough to get my rhythm in before kiddos awake
20 Stair dancing
10 yoga
10 meditation
gratitude,giggles,happy work for LOViNTee

Day 25 (Mon)
purposeful and productive with housework, amidst morning lesson, and prepping for launch to afternoon activities
doc appt for me and ultrasound for baby (all is well, no we don't look for gender)
laughin' in a maternity suit, tolerating overcrowded indoor pool for the sake of my children, random act kindness? possibly.
eating very well except for that blasted sugar drink for the diabetes test---blechk
dropped a note of thanks on our new friend/landlady's door
to sleep early

Day 24 (Sun)
short meditation with 1000 good friends
hangin' out laughing at the church
thoroughly enjoyed a bit of Downton Abbey catch-up
eating well, water good

Simply Be Grateful

I've made gratitude lists here several times before (label gratitude).

Seeing this post by Finding Joy I think I'll participate in a blessings list...stream of consciousness style.

Soothing music gifted to us by Dear Friend M, Elizabeth Mitchell...aiding currently the explosive reaction by The Firstborn when she made a couple of poor decisions that kept her from shopping with Papa tthis morning...cinnamon bananas that the Second is stubbornly refusing to eat after requesting them....stubborn-ness or better put tenacious aspects of both these children, successful people are determined in some form or other...consequences, no matter how terrible the reaction seems at the moment, the lessons learned now will benefit future decision making, my kids aren't happy all the time because they live in this real world, that's a blessing....Love & Logic that has given me tools to use, helped me better understand my own issues with empathy and love, and lead me into my more authentic parenting style....their little dollars wasted on crap candy, a lesson in and of itself when both girls decided the didn't like the candy....berries are a blessing in every sweet bite...glu-free flour for morning waffles with maple syrup...smarter eating, especially considering my pregnant state....blessing of healthy children, healthy pregnancy, healthy friendships, healthy marriage, healthy harmonious and happy existence....blessing of community relationships thickened in the past 6 years, a sense of belonging is priceless....deeper learning about my own reactions and responses that I can ferret out and understand any ideas of separation, limitation, and fear that linger....

Saturday Daddy day projects with papa...recovery time on the stairs for little people....new blender (the Ninja died).... kale + blueberry + almond milk + greens + protein powder = goodgreengratitudes....but then mixed frozen berries + greens + protein + pomegranate juice = detox wonderful....and 'cause I have to, the choco monkey = dark chocolate almond milk + frozen bananas + peanut butter (+ protein)....

{most of this appears to be about food, well I am pregnant, and it's coming up on lunchtime}

little girls giggling....yogurt smiles...berry "roll-ups" for breakfast, invented by the Firstborn....Rosetta Stone Spanish...toddler voices in the grocery exclaiming "OH, SHELLS!" regarding (pi)'stacios, and asking so sweetly, "mama, can we have deez wittle wed t'ings, puh-wease?" (raspberries)....watching little brains make new connections & myelination....learning to teach is a blessing, making my own new myelinations....weather days....situations and circumstances that strengthen us individually and as a family....my husband, lover, provider, funny-man, father, trekker on this adventure....beatrix potter story books....firm parenting resolve....distractions....nonsensical silly things....fun....purple tutus first thing in the morning...prioritizing, maturity, love....

creativity, inspiration, and dreams....generousity (receiving and giving)....peanut butter....hummus....chubby little wrists, and marshmallow fists....baby kicks...pickles, pizza, and cheeseburgers....hot & cold running water, indoor plumbing, on-demand heat & cooling, choices of foods to nourish our bodies all blessings....

....my ability to notice a blessing is, in and of itself, a blessing.

Mommy Lost her Sh*t

I am not perfect, I have a wicked temper once my patience has worn out.  Emotions can be just as dangerous and addictive as any drug, and more subtly damaging to those around us in certain ways.  

It begins with a certain combination of occurrences, stresses that quietly pile up.  

Filing Chapter 13, we have to move within 3 months, pregnancy, baby due in a few more months and no outlet for small nesting instincts, frustration and confusion around stuff built up and resistance to culling it now because I'd rather when I start packing, prayer-meditation-meetings back-seated to other activities for those around me....an evening after a long (albeit successful) day, when he and I both just need a moment to ourselves, a screaming toddler awakened after she'd fallen asleep, we turn on each other...suddenly I'm feeling alone alone alone, with no help and no way out and some little belligerent person who will not got the f*ck to sleep!

So, yes, I utterly abandoned reason, and love, and hope for an hour or so.  It's a dark place that I'm un-accepting of its powerful existence, a Jungian mirror of my general upward spiral in consciousness.  

Is it okay that I lost my temper in front of my kids?  Most definitely, yes. Only because when we're all over the emotional compromise, back in a thinking state, we talk about it, we hug and make-up.  I admitted my defect, I use "I feel" statements, I talk about how I don't like behaving like that and I will do better.  

Some might say that I've completely thrashed all the progress I've made, I disagree.  One set-back does not a ruin make.  If I were mid-race and got a flat, they wouldn't make me begin again at the starting line.  The truth is I'm behaving worlds different than I might be if I hadn't done spiritual study, and worked it in the past 8 years.  I'm not excusing the behavior, but I'm allowing my humanity, my learning curve.  I could put on a hair shirt and self-flagellate for days, weeks, months, begging forgiveness reminding them of my terrible awful transgression....that however, is a teaspoon of self-esteem disguising a thousand pound ego.  I obviously need to be more vigilent, not less, around what I do for my Self.

Other ways to let angry energy out:  scribble/draw an angry picture, grounded scream, stomping, running, finding a lonely place and yelling, journaling, phoning someone to reason it out/cry/laugh aloud at our ineptitude some days.

Above all You are NOT alone.

"We should also erase the thoughts of yesterday that would rob us of today's happiness."    

SOM p.245

break it, learn from it, stitch it up, keep moving forward