Oh my heart aches, it cracks open, and open, and open.  It's joyous sorrow I feel, and it's slippery to contain.  I know I'm making inroads against unconscious behavior, it's just so difficult sometimes, this becoming.  I feel my organs rearranging, though there's resistance there's nothing to fight against, preparing for flight.

Monk-a-doodle has been experiencing illness past few days, still not quite back yet, and Baby R has just been so fussy today.  I've so much work to do and not enough time, and I keep bullishly stepping in my own way creating environmental stress where there needn't be, i.e. tiring myself with less sleep, not eating my best or at all, too much sugar, avoiding yoga and meditation, sitting in overwhelm instead of moving that small inch that's a cinch.

Watching snow fall, wishing I could go out in it and be completely alone for a undetermined time.

And I read this and this.  There's so much becoming all around when one looks for it, we're on an upswing I'm positive.

It's a Day, or not even, it's only A Morning.

I'm feeling nervous about the decision to put The Second born into a 2-day all day program at the Waldorf Charter School.  Probably because today we had an epic morning.

It began with angry elder sister, pick-pick-picking on little sister, while I sang loudly my operatic "Be Kind or Be quiet!" aria.  Then about 4 minutes of timed bickering (probably longer, but once they heard the "$1 a minute!" jingle I improvised, it got quieter). I'm holding the $4 ($1 or 1 household contribution per minute bickering fee) until they get contributions done.

It's a fairly cold, snowy morning, diamond dust in the air, and champagne powder on my truck, so we're already late. But I'm surrendering to the flow of the morning, 'cause I don't wanna make the crazed rush only to be stuck in traffic.

Everyone fed, and getting ready to leave, the Middle One begins her lament about some random item that was or was not seen, or worn, or toted.  Shortly prior to this, she, in the same breath, shared about what she likes at school and then proceeded to whine "puwheease take me out of dis school, momma".

I kept breathing, kept moving forward. Of course, this new development of crazy from her little sister budged Miss Monkey to swing back into sweet-and-helpful mode.

The Second Born proceeds to scream in her trademark screech about how her legs are cold (she chose to wear a long skirt with long socks), but when offered her coat or pants, she screeches again in response.  Her tragedy is most definitely waking neighbors.

We've embarked the vehicle, finally, when I feel I simply cannot drive with her screeching behind me.  I pull over into the empty, snow covered, parking lot of the park directly across the street.  I remove her from the vehicle, lovingly, firmly inform her that I cannot drive safely with her screaming and caterwauling behind me, help her with her coat and hat, "Scream out here all you want. You are welcome back in my car when you're done making that noise."

I keep breathing and recall yesterday when it was time for baby to nurse and rest, I resorted to locking myself in our bedroom to avoid a more serious conflict with her.  It had been a busy morning, back from the gym she had launched, unprompted, into a caterwauling lament about how she wasn't tired and wasn't hungry.  There's a pattern here, and I'm the common thread. Remove myself and alter the pattern, though maybe not as compassionate as I intend (yet), it's all I can muster sometimes.

Back in the snow, 2 minutes or less outside, some impressive lungfuls of air from her, and she calms. Asking for a hug, I'm happy to comply, and then she's eventually back in her seat and we're on our way.

But that's not all...

upon arrival at school, there's more tragedy, most likely trickle down from dramas earlier in the morning. Then hugs, and I'm off, but only to contend with the baby boy hollering fiercely all the way home.

I'm off to crock something for dinner, fold masses of laundry, and maybe get a 1/2 hour or so to sit atop my bike-on-trainer and lift something other than baby weight.

Happy day!

workin' through stress

This Year

Last year this time we were beginning the search for another place to live, and preparing to file bankruptcy. This year, we've redefined our finances and successfully, and gratefully, been living abundantly.

This year we moved (again), and made firm decision to live in This House for the forseeable future, we are purchasing, and stretching out into the permanence of our decision. Interestingly this material permanence has produced interior growth and shifts.

This year I succeeded in homeschooling my firstborn into reading and the 4 arithmetic processes, then spring came as did the bouncing baby boy, and lots of learning for the Little-Big sister as well as the Big-Big sister.  It became painfully apparent in the fall that homeschooling wasn't serving her, my energetic resources were stretched too thin. The school we enrolled with has been a serendipitous blessing. Her favorite subjects at holiday break are handwork, eurythmy, and spanish.  Observing her this Christmastime, she's grown immensely, the space created with her attendance to Mountain Phoenix has allowed she and I to travel more parallel than crosswise.  With a whole new community to explore and connect with, she and I have had our work cut out for us---for me especially amidst learning the means and methods of brick-and-mortar school.  And I've mourned the change, still do when I come across some curriculum material.  I've fallen in love with her again, she's really a magnificent little person.  She's lost teeth, gained a new kitten and a couple of hermit crabs, gotten her ears pierced, left gymnastics, learned to knit, started soccer and is excited about volleyball.

This year, Little-Big sister, giggly in the middle, has grown into a character of comedy.  While she does push in her 3 year old way, it's been interesting watching her roll into her role.  With a break from her big sister she's grown into her own person bit by bit, has her own community of friends at MHCEC.  Lovely have been the afternoons driving to the pick up line while The Second-born is giggling herself stupid in the backseat making baby brother laugh.  It appears she's about to step up into the preschool room, quite a bit earlier than I ever considered...based on her verbal skills, her ability to use scissors, and dress herself among many other things.

This year, a beautiful baby arrived, he graced us with his presence late May and has been a complete joy.  It must be stated, boys and girls are different from the start.  As soon as he surpassed the first vague interactions, without coercing, steering, or guiding...boys are different than girls.  He has a different personality of course, but I'm noticing, what I surmise, are basic male v. female differences with development and activity and interest.  I find myself studying all little boys more closely, researching this boy-energy.  He's starting to rock, he creeps a bit, and tummy-spins and rolls about the floor loudly babbling his focus or his frustration. Already he has definite opinions about injustices of mommy needing to eat or potty-break. Gratefully he has innate patience when it's necessary to focus my attention on the ridiculous 3 year-old antics.

This year, The Man and I have succeeded in moving the household, straightening out and recommitting our responsibilities financially, getting comfortable and enjoying our community, disagreeing then agreeing, laughing and loving, redoubling our conscious parenting efforts, gracefully growing forward.  I'm so blessed to have this man as my partner in this adventure.

Happily happily into the new calendar year!

Then it was Done

All that hustle and bustle, for a few hours of mildly raucous unwrapping. The 3yo is much better at this year, the 7yo is an expert, and the baby was grunting excitement and approval at everything that pleased him.

I kept meaning to write about something, anything---there is a list next to my bed---and then I put it off in favor of seasonally necessary activities. Then days and weeks happen in a flash and I'm experiencing a creative blockage without this outlet.  I'm thinking of a new challenge for myself, possibly involving the Season for Nonviolence as we are lately, as parents, making a more unified effort to root out UNconscious parenting (or personal) habits.  More on that later.

We attended Mile Hi's Christmas Service last night, and it was moving as usual since my heart has opened much more in the past 4 years. I'm positively bursting with gratitude that we belong to such an awesome community here in Denver, I wholly love every single person of this Colorado Family.  Sometimes I think I might burst apart at my seams with bliss.

The GiggleSisters were rabid to don their holiday dresses (maybe next year we'll way until the eve of Xmas Eve to gift them). By the time we left service last night their excitement had reached a fever pitch and, while well behaved, they were barely manageable.  As the Spirit of Santa had gotten a jump on the wrapping and prep, there were very few small last minute things to arrange, and a reasonable hour was attended for the "long winter's nap".

I'm finding with our newest expansion that I've fallen deeper in love with our little (bigger) family. I'm perfectly content to hang around with these people I live with, even when they're acting in ridiculous unconscious manner.  I miss my Texas Family somethin' fierce, life keeps happening keeping us from visiting.  Truth be told, at this point, I'm more than aware with FIVE people, it's no small thing to travel and barge into someone's home.  All in good time.

Since my last post I've finished 3 knitting projects, re-set up my LOViNTee Etsy shop,, sent Christmas cards, baked some good stuff (grateful props to The Man for making Christmas dinner, though), made 12 simple gifts to give away, created Christmas magic, all while managing to care-take the household (barely, some days), handle a baby's illness, and keep the children clean, fed, and at their specified appointments....and I've prayed a LOT, and greedily snatched those still, silent moments in between all the DO-ing.  I found the durable thing within, a palpable loving Spirit that I draw upon to keep moving forward.

All is well, we are at peace, and I'm great-full and gratefully moving into the next calendar year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

It's been too long. So, I'll begin my catch up with a bit of Halloween, which it amazes me has turned into an incredible endeavor, lasting about a week with all the activities....it's exhausting. I'm so glad Nov 1 came when it did, and doubly so that Miss Monkey didn't have school that day---some smart people there.  There was a nautical theme this year, the new mermaid costume was completed in time, and the Second born was ecstatic to wear the previous purpler version.

We've been regulars at Boo at the Zoo most of the past 6 years, this year was no different. Mermaids of course must ride dolphins or small polar bears.

Baby rode around as an inking octopus, and I've not hunted down the better pics of that costume. After the first outing I had to tweak it a little to make it more realistically shaped.  He wasn't especially enthused about donning the costume, but was out cold in the Ergo every time.  Note: costumes must be durable and ready to wear multiple times, minimum 3 this year (Boo at Zoo, Trunk or Treat, school costume parades, and of course Halloween proper evening)

There were many pumpkins this year as we attended an extra carving party, and of course baby had to have one as well, I think we totaled 7.  

A success all around. : )

Rainbow days

After a storm there are rainbows. I had several phone calls and a

surprise visit from The Man, I took small actions toward
mitigating the chaos, and started to feel better. That momentum built
a good finish to the day and into the next. Amazing how prayer works, even simply in the asking for help there is peace.
There were no giant altercations betwixt the girls, the baby was
typical happy baby, and I got some more done with the house. I forget that effectively we just moved in. Moving, remodeling, requires patience of process.

Grateful for the dojo as an added accountability for The Firstborn and her behavior.

Grateful on the way home this evening we chased a rainbow. F was so excited trying to figure out how to reach the end of that rainbow, I thoroughly enjoyed discussing strategy with her, negotiating where we should turn or of it was fading.

 Grateful for puzzle time with the Second born and soccer time with her sister, grateful for my ability to feed my baby and share my milk, most of all grateful for the abundance we love and live in.

Truly, Life is good, ALL The Time.

When simplifying is simply overwhelming

I can't get up, he's been Really Fussy yesterday and today. 

I'm going to try to move in a moment, cause the prospect of spending another day staring at chaos only adds to my weariness.

Its all so overwhelming, I've asked for help, and I'm going to start by doing a little, not a lot. Luck and faith on my side I hope.

When it's overwhelming....

Ask. For. Help.

Sibling jealousy

Who would want to harm this sweet baby?

Well, She would. ---->

I've stepped away briefly to grab clothing or my phone, and she's pushed the limits--especially mine.  Its hard to rein in a mama-bear reaction hearing an infant scream, even if it's focused on another of my own children. 

One morning i caught her BANGING her sister's baby doll on the kitchen table.  She is apparently jealous and expresses herself, "I'm feeling sad/mad about the baby" or "i don't WANT the baby on your lap/nursing!". 

We need to edit in some extra anger outlets it seems (into my subroutines as well?).  She colored an Angry Picture yesterday after the most recent incident. Doesn't help me feel any more confident abut leaving her with him even if he's in the crib, even if its for an instant.  "Ah, mi. Patience!" Cries the mother.

This is just one day, one of many that have passed and that will come.  This particular day we're lucky to survive. On another day all will be most evidently well with all facets, giggles will abound and happiness doesn't disguise itself with challenges. 

Feeling pretty weary at the moment. Breathe,  pray, repeat.

Birth in the Park

At a very large, very crowded urban park recently, pickin' up on the neighboring mommy blanket, I chatted friendly with a couple of other crunchy mamas.  A bit later I was slightly agape watching her 2 year old strip down nude and birth her baby doll.

Yes, read it again.  Mama encouraged her daughter through the doll-birthing process, "that's right, push the baby out" and "you're such a good mommy."

It took me almost a week to process the feelings that came up with this experience.

The first thing that happened, Monk-A-Doodle, my token lovin'-naked-life-child, came to ask "it's okay to be naked outside?" 

Carefully I said, "yes, it is okay to be naked outside. Though, sweetheart," surveying the expanse, "I'm not comfortable as this park is so big, and so busy right now, so just keep your swimsuit on, okay?"  This child is so very tactile in her soothing and cuddling, I also couldn't be sure what she'd do.  

To be socially responsible I've learned to take others' comfort level into account.  (Incidentally if we had and expanse of private land, there'd definitely be some instance of naked baby butts outside.  Butt then there's this option.)  I guess I've become somewhat a prude in my maturing mommy-hood years, or maybe it's because I've little girls and I'm too aware of over-sexualization of young girls in our society.

As for the mock birth the little girl played out, it's probably a realistic throwback to tribal days when all the women and girls were involved on some level to aid a woman giving birth.  It actually caused me to think I might've taken a different tack with F, but the way things occur in this era---I answer the questions that come up in an honest succinct manner, careful not to over-answer (this book is great).  Introducing life experience subject matter like birth and nursing makes sense, even if they mayn't have a conscious memory of the pretending, it would hopefully match their intuitive nature later on, making the whole experience less frightening.  

Maybe that momma was a doula or a midwife and it's part of their daily life experience, it brought up interesting thought process for me.  In a follow-up conversation a dear friend helped with a final aspect I had been struggling with but hadn't been able to put to words.  It was the public nature of the display.  Birth, like death I think, is an intensely private experience.  We invite only trusted people and family into that experience, and typically carefully choose our location for focus and comfort. The very public nature of that particular park, well, it was a shock to my system.

I'm beginning to love all manner of challenging experiences.  Life is good, all the time!

my babies nursing their baby dolls

Diaper Notes

Newborns are different to diaper than chubby 3-4 month olds, my newborn weighed ~7# but gained so quickly that I switched up to next size from newborn prefolds by the end of first month.  Higher frequency of changes mean necessary 24 minimum on hand, and ideally fit is key though leaks are rare 'cause there's just not that much production yet.  (see also my blogged diaper discoveries Pt 1 & Pt 2)

Happily, in my eclectic Bin O'Diapers, are 2 bumGenius stuffable All-In-Ones, and 1 bumGenuis pocket, all three I am loving for night-time. The fit is good, stretchy tabs at snaps, good elastic, these will fit for months and months.

A friend gifted me 2 Imse Vimse wraps that of course work well with the dipes of same brand, a terry organic cotton contour (ergonomic) fit, have been great for this newborn and will work great up until he outgrows them (just as his sister did).

Grandma gifted 2 RumpARooz Lil' Joeys, not sure a more perfect diaper for newborns exists.  These are the only fitted diapers I've ever owned, everything else is effectively One-Size and it's been an adventure finding what "one-size" truly means per brand.  Anyway, RumpARooz patented inner gusset is super functional, there's a snap down for umbilical, these work just like a 'sposie.  My Boy started wetting through these at about 1 month though.  Poly-fleece, while popular for it's "stay-dry" aspect simply isn't as absorbent as natural fiber.

Yet another friend gifted several WeeHugger wraps with a mountain of g-Diaper's disposable and reusable inserts.  I'd read about Wee Hugger but not tried them, and I'm pleased with the fit and versatility. The disposable g-Inserts I'm familiar with, though we'd never tried the reusables.  These are fleece backed with (best guess) hemp/cotton blend, after Baby Boy started soaking through one fleece insert I simply added another, and the doubled inserts have been working well in the pocket dipes. These wraps have also been accommodating for pre-folds as well.

And a New Find at the gently used section of GGB---Gen-Y wraps.  A short snap-over design, hip fabric with a nice thick PUL layer, and deep outer gussets.  Both the WeeHugger and Gen-Y become damp or even soaked depending on time worn, so they're not exactly "wipe clean", but generally I can use one wrap all day much like the RumpARooz wrap I purchased for Baby as well.

Incidentally when perusing gently used diaper merchandise here are tips:

• look closely for stains, if it's breastmilk sunlight will take care of it easily, though if otherwise beware
• listen to elastic, if it's creaky when stretched, it's old, in a heated dryer too often and won't last too much longer
• look at seams with PUL lining, if its cracking or pealing it's been in the hot dryer too often, expect wicking
• carefully consider the new price vs. used price, in my opinion a used diaper item should be half or less than half of the full price new---unless it is really in stellar un-used condition, i.e. washed once never used

Some great huge gratitudes for community we've gained, the main reason I can expound yet again on subject of diapering.  LOVE!

Sweet grunts and squeaks, a fluffle-snort like a foal, chuffs and complaints, man-burps and butt noises, latch-snmacking while nursing, shrill squ-whistles on the inhale when suffering injustices of baby hood...this boy is noisey.  His voice is beginning to change into a baby cry from the newborn's signature lament, and it sounds a lot like E's tone and timber.  His choking and coughing at my let-down reflex, and his simple existent noisey-ness reminiscent of F.  But he is his own.  I know there are similarities, there should be, they are siblings.  But he is his a new unique instance.  

As a sleepy, sleepy baby, he takes a good long time grunting, stretching, and fluffling before he's fully awake.  Something I've had to ask the girls to "please, oh, please, do NOT disturb your brother until he's really awake!"  He's getting used to the crib by degrees, and I do enjoy a few hours sleeping 'alone'.  Co-sleeping has great advantages regards to bonding and easy access breastfeeding, I attribute his stellar weight gain partly to the co-sleeping.  What Mama would refuse opportunity to gaze at sleeping newborn? cuddled up and cozy? None, I say.  Since I heard a comic quip that babies don't sleep, I'm gaining new meaning for "sleep like a baby." It's that best sleep, the warm, safe, and loved sleep. Sleep that we all cherish and should be more sacred I think.  

A couple of weeks ago in his eyes there was fleeting vague recognition of his existence here, a brief connection when I looked into these deep blues.  Now, such a short time later, he's truly connecting with us.  Giving sweet new smiles by turn, and coo-ing in that magical new baby tone.

He's a standard issue miracle.  I'm so blessed to have three of these, and so, so grateful.

one was already awake

3 AM

Three o'clock in the morning, or thereabouts.  Just finished a double-nursing/double-diaper-change session, and I'm left wide awake and thinking.

It's these times in the dark quiet listening to breathing noises that I've blog ideas rattling around my mind.  I might pray some, meditate, last night, though, I had to get up and put ideas down on paper so as not to forget them by morning.

There are three now, three people we created out of irreducibly complex cells...well we, and The Divine.  Interesting that we can scientifically describe all the processes, and yet we cannot really define HOW it works.

Some questions and comments lately as I'm wearing baby around herding t'other two:

How old is your baby?  1.5 months 

Wow, you're brave!

Really? I guess I don't consider myself especially courageous doing simply what needs to be done. Besides, if we tried to stay in until there was some comfort level, we might end up at such odds it'd be tragically comical.  And it's rather a lack of options.  Though mostly I simply chuckle and answer, "May be."

Is he a good baby? (mostly from the elder crew)

Well, now, ALL babies are good.  If you mean is he a good sleeper, then yes, mostly.  In regards to elders, I've also had most interesting conversations about circumcision especially with older ladies.

Is it different having a boy?

Not, really.  Its different equipment to work around, I've been pee'd on a bit here and there. I used to say it often, but now I've proof: babies are pretty androgynous.  It's how we treat them that matters regarding sex/gender.

How is it with Three?  Is it hard?

Not as challenging as going from 1 to 2.  We've switched to zone coverage instead of man-to-man (though I kinda feel like I've been doing zone coverage since E was born). Generally speaking the two are entertaining each other while I'm with the baby.  Or they're fighting and I've had them confined to quarters, hands-to-themselves-stay-on-your-bed, then I do my level best to ignore whatever I over hear. ("Sounds like you're having a problem, let me know if you need some options to work it out!"  Ultimately life is only as hard as we make it.  And my children are not inconvenient or a problem, they are my life's main work.  They are blessings.

Love only grows, especially when it's allowed to.  For myself it's actually easier now to notice and comment on positives with the girls---my conscious being present has enhanced.  It may be that my time at a premium has forced me into a more practical place with prioritizing on all levels.  I'm extremely grateful not to live in a constant state of dramatic enactment of "OMG there are THREE."  Just keep moving forward, willingly and joyfully doing the next right thing...and some days a whole lot of prayer and mindfulness practice!