Mommy Lost her Sh*t

I am not perfect, I have a wicked temper once my patience has worn out.  Emotions can be just as dangerous and addictive as any drug, and more subtly damaging to those around us in certain ways.  

It begins with a certain combination of occurrences, stresses that quietly pile up.  

Filing Chapter 13, we have to move within 3 months, pregnancy, baby due in a few more months and no outlet for small nesting instincts, frustration and confusion around stuff built up and resistance to culling it now because I'd rather when I start packing, prayer-meditation-meetings back-seated to other activities for those around me....an evening after a long (albeit successful) day, when he and I both just need a moment to ourselves, a screaming toddler awakened after she'd fallen asleep, we turn on each other...suddenly I'm feeling alone alone alone, with no help and no way out and some little belligerent person who will not got the f*ck to sleep!

So, yes, I utterly abandoned reason, and love, and hope for an hour or so.  It's a dark place that I'm un-accepting of its powerful existence, a Jungian mirror of my general upward spiral in consciousness.  

Is it okay that I lost my temper in front of my kids?  Most definitely, yes. Only because when we're all over the emotional compromise, back in a thinking state, we talk about it, we hug and make-up.  I admitted my defect, I use "I feel" statements, I talk about how I don't like behaving like that and I will do better.  

Some might say that I've completely thrashed all the progress I've made, I disagree.  One set-back does not a ruin make.  If I were mid-race and got a flat, they wouldn't make me begin again at the starting line.  The truth is I'm behaving worlds different than I might be if I hadn't done spiritual study, and worked it in the past 8 years.  I'm not excusing the behavior, but I'm allowing my humanity, my learning curve.  I could put on a hair shirt and self-flagellate for days, weeks, months, begging forgiveness reminding them of my terrible awful transgression....that however, is a teaspoon of self-esteem disguising a thousand pound ego.  I obviously need to be more vigilent, not less, around what I do for my Self.

Other ways to let angry energy out:  scribble/draw an angry picture, grounded scream, stomping, running, finding a lonely place and yelling, journaling, phoning someone to reason it out/cry/laugh aloud at our ineptitude some days.

Above all You are NOT alone.

"We should also erase the thoughts of yesterday that would rob us of today's happiness."    

SOM p.245

break it, learn from it, stitch it up, keep moving forward

Play off weekend

It's been so nice today.  Super chilly out, apparently going to hover around 20F for the game this afternoon.  We got to attend the last regular season game (Chiefs v. Broncos) a couple of weekends ago, it was cold then but about 10 degrees warmer comparatively.

It's been a fabulously quiet morning, the girls slept in, I made small breakfast then cinnamon rolls, prepped for deviled eggs.  Now the TV comes on and then there are football guffaws and The Man desperately trying to listen to pre-game analysis begging Little Girls to quiet their enthusiasm for "daddy-day".  Funny thing is when they're whispering it's not exactly a quiet, subtle whisper.  It's difficult for my Littles to whisper when their typical volume resides between Loud and YELLING.

Thankfully there haven't been any altercations this morning which had been a habit of Miss Monkey lately.  She'll wake, hang around, mosey downstairs, and somehow she and Toddleator E will immediately begin to fight, and one or both will be sent back to bedroom time.  She's spent the better part of a morning in her room on more than one occasion.  I say it's usually her because typically the Younger has been up and moving cheerfully for almost an hour before her sister.  I've enacted a guideline that unless you're coming to breakfast cheerfully (or at minimum, cooperatively) do not come down stairs....it doesn't always stand.  One thing I dislike heartily in the mornings is too much noise, especially pre-breakfast.  Precisely why I prefer to wake earlier than everyone else, workout, meditate, (decaf)coffee, email, hopefully some writing, etc. Then the noise can start and I'm prepared.  I'm still working on my mornings, been successful a couple of times; however, it's more difficult when Utero-Baby wakes me around 2-3am.  Then it's hard to get back to sleep while someone is squirming about, and I lack inclination to wake again at 4:30 or so.  I intend that it'll happen though, and change never happens all at once, does it?
Happy weekend!

: )

A

Simple Christmastime

Christmas with photos.

The making of the popcorn & cranberry strand (The Man's first time)...

A surprise gift from Grandma, an evening to the Nutcracker for Momma & Firstborn Daughter...

 BONUS photo with a ballerina!

LOViNTee Packages to be delivered....

Family Christmas at Mile Hi after a stellar performance we had cookies & cider while waiting to visit with Kris Kringle himself.

The Eldest Daughter explaining and directing...

The youngest absorbing the ambiance...

The dads hangin' around procuring refreshment for moms waiting in the line...and enjoying more than a few themselves....

Happy little friends....

Finally!  The chat with Mr. Kringle himself, and hand delivery of her Letter to Santa...

While little sister keeps a safe distance, content with a cheerful smile and a wave....

Pictures with every...

Single...

Character...

Some well deserved Christmastime snow, that has hung around for days & days with appropriately chilly winter weather...

 Christmas morning joy as Mr. Kringle delivered even late, hastily emailed, requests....

Oh, the anticipation, the enthusiasm!

Thanks to grandma, there is some play make-up for Miss Monkey to enjoy...

We are surrounded by blessings of family & friends, healthy, happy, holiday together---couldn't ask for more I think.  Going forward to the new calendar year the blessings have only just begun!

Mommy to Mommy

Hungry?  cranky mommy.

Angry?  irritable mommy.

Lonely?  snappish, tired mommy.

Ill? worthless mommy, not-a-thing gets done and kids watch a lot of movies.

Tired?  cranky-snappish-irritable mommy.

Hormonal and missed a few workouts?  downright homicidal mommy.

I find myself wandering the kitchen in circles cleaning spots and repetitively opening the fridge or eyeballing the pantry contents, I'm hungry, a state I can remedy quickly (and gratefully).

Lonely can be subversive, it's difficult to identify right away. Easily remedied with a phone call or two, possibly a face-to-face with other mommies.

Illness is something only time will cure though, and the household screen serves as a right-good sedative for small people.

Sleepiness is one thing I cannot remedy, not immediately anyway.  It's not as if I can simply go take a nap whenever I might need to, and I certainly can not sleep in.  Fatigue is a related but different creature.  Fatigue creeps in when I'm over-scheduling, stretching myself too thin with additional responsibility volunteering or activities.  Fatigue can overcome more slowly, more insidiously, and sometimes lead into a depression.

Anger is an issue that is also remedied with phone-a-friend venting session---usually.  Other times I find that it isn't anger at all, but rage.  Rage, for me, is directly proportional to lack of self-care.  If I've become to lax around my spiritual, emotional, and physical fitness---or hindered in my care, as with illness---I trip directly to rage when pushed.  Which segues into homicidal mommy, easily linked also to hormones.

Lock jaw, teeth gritting, eyes bulging, colorless thin lips ready to chomp on sweet tear-stained cheeks. It's sometimes barely restrained and connected directly with a learned stoicism, a stoicism bordering on dangerous martyrdom.  When I'm operating from a spiritual and emotional deficit I become "not-so-great-leaning-toward-terrible" mommy.  Sometime these little people demand so much from me, I become so drained that I have nothing left to give.  As sad as it is to admit I sometimes can not bring myself to hug my Littles for deeper fear I might hurt them, it's real.  This confounding ambivalence drives me to balance my personal needs with what my children and family need of me.  When any-mom's needs are not met, reactions are skewed and explode sideways harming innocent bystanders.  That's been my experience.  I've come to realize that emotions are just as intoxicating as other less legal options.  It might feel really good to let fly all sorts of Terrible and Horrendous, sometime I barely realize it's happening until it's too late. But after, there is more emptiness, and I find guilt and much despair.  Growth evidence as I no longer pretend that nothing happened. In my new form I am better at admitting my mistakes and apologizing.  Without changed behavior, apologies mean nothing.   Reacting to poor behavior with more poor behavior isn't loving.  I've nothing to lose by responding while in a thinking state and if I can't find my "thinking state" I may come back to the problem later.

To counteract the cycle, I pray, I meditate, I exercise, I connect and belong...in person.  

I become still, and  know.

It's challenging to alter the pattern, to break the chain, to change the legacy.  It can feel insurmountable, but I am living here in this moment, not all moments at once.  I need only this one moment to begin all moments following.

Pray? graceful mommy full of ease.

Meditate?  peaceful, thoughtful mommy.

Exercise? joyful mommy.

Connection & Belonging? loving mommy.

I am.

edited to add:  my palms sweat and tingle with the real-ness of this post, rigorous honesty is uncomfortable as is putting myself out 'there'

House Arrest

Or rather self-imposed quarantine.  It started with the Younger of The Two (Toddleator E) with a nose running as a faucet, culminated a couple days later with a 104.9 F in the Elder of The Two (Miss Monkey), then me, of course, in the fray with some wicked head congestion.

I have not driven my car in 5 days, but gave it a once-over clearing kid-detritus.  We've been inside for almost a week straight.  Save a few moments outside to re-arranged garbage & recycles, or check the mail, then a brief outdoor "bonfire" build with Miss Monkey while the weather has been unseasonably warm (as is the habit of weather fronts here, beautiful then freezing & snow).  Not my chosen way to start a New Year, but at least I can say we're over it, and it won't be returning.  Is it consequence from stretching so thin prior to Christmas?

So, it's day 5 and we're finally all free of fever, I wonder how I'll keep my sanity if we don't get out and do something, even if it is a menial errand.  I hear pleasant play interspersed with squealing wails of frustration or hurt feelings.  Parts of me kind of enjoy the forced quiet and slow down of illness (shh! don't tell Perfect Mommy Club).  It feels when the Littles do return to normal that they are ++active, as if they're making up for lost time.

Christmas Kitten, Darth Kittius(Siddius), has been brought fully into the fold.  Porter mostly tolerates kitten's surprise pounces, and Toddleator E "hohlps" him by squeeze-carrying him until he struggles free.  We certainly can't head to the gym or hang out with buddies the way we all sound, horking up gunk and sneezing out the goo.  It simply wouldn't be kind to others around us.

At least I've saved on gas.

Simply Holiday

Christmas was fairly quiet and very simple for us.  Miss Monkey received her wished for Santa gifts, and we went for a ride and run on bright beautiful Christmas day.  Last night we talked about how New Year's Eve was a celebration to mark the next calendar year, then kiddos off to bed.  The Man and I had s'mores from the fireplace, watched movies, and I fell asleep until Baby E fussed somewhere around midnight.  

Peaceful holiday weekends---unless you count the massive meltdown we were embarrassed to leave a party one evening.  Small children + sugar + over-stimulation + more sugar + lack of sleep due to holiday party excitement and crazy schedules = complete utter loss of social emotional control, or Atomic Tantrum.  It's bound to happen at least once, the trick is not to make threats we're unwilling to carry out.  In this case I could see that there was no "reset" button to be found, she was already beyond.  I spoke to her firmly, quietly, right in her ear, gave her the choice to calm herself or we'd have to leave, well, we had to leave.  Sometime later, about half way home, a switched flipped and it was almost as if nothing happened.  The next morning it seemed she didn't remember much---sugar hangover?  It's gotta be challenging to keep up with adult schedules throughout the holidays, learn all the new things, the excitement of Santa's impending visit, eating all the sugar, meeting all the people, etc. etc.etc.  All things considered I think with only one meltdown we did all right.

Thank the goodness for friends and family to spend the holiday time with.  I am so grateful for the year we've had, though it was trying we kept moving forward and landed all right, a learning experience for certain.  I'm also grateful for all the new friends we've made and all the 'old' friends that have stuck.  

Hope your holidays were blessed, may you enjoy ringing in the New Year, stay safe, be joyous, may your heart be light, know that you are loved, and may your coming year burst with abundance.

Christmas Week

Christmas week Monday, sonigram shows everything to be in normal "perfect" progression for Fiona's sibling. Recent scene in the kitchen, child on a stool in front of pregnant mama. She alternately pats, hugs, jiggles the obtrusive abdomen. "I want the baby out noooow, she says. Chuckling, "well, you've got to wait a bit longer. Babies come out when they're ready to." "But I want my baby nooow!" push-pulling on my stomach, gently enough and yet with that almost 4 urgency that she's demonstrated as I-wuv-you-so-much-I-want-to-eat-your-face-take-off-your-head intensity. We're working on new, creative, different ways to show love rather than tackling at full speed, love-wallops, or suffocating whole head hugs.

Tuesday, Wednesday, baking baking baking, shopping Toys for Tots, food, baking baking baking. I was volunteered by Gary to bake a bit for a straggler's Christmas. I enjoy baking and I really like to give things away---that way I get to taste'em but they're not in the house for weeks tempting us. So I baked up a few pies, double batch of cookies, pudding-filled cupcakes, brownies & gingerbread. Gary got his apple pie out of the deal so he was happy. Everything went over well I'm told, and I'm quite content.

Thursday...rest & illness??
There was an illness in the house. Fiona had an odd off and on fever for almost 4 days, but she wasn't especially cranky or otherwise affected. Then she threw up eve of Christmas eve, fever broke, the illness appeared to have passed. But then there was me, and I don't think I realized how out of it I was until I started to feel better post-Christmas. After obligations we attempted to get to Mile Hi for an afternoon Eve service. We were running later than expected and had an 'agent' working for us already there, he said after a certain point that there was just no way to get in, the sanctuary was at total capacity. And if you could see how big the place is, well, it's impressive. So we had to let that go, which was just as well as Gary had plans to hit the mall also. Although we planned to have Christmas Eve dinner, it was a bit late and we decided to flex it--plus Gary said he'd cook. I was pretty near cooked completely out. Made lite supper, reindeer food & left pie for the jolly man in red. Opened our Eve gifts, watched It's a Wonderful Life, and Santa was on his way as soon as Fiona's head hit the pillow. The tactic of keeping her awake all day worked like a charm.

Friday, oh, happy day!
WE were actually up before the child. It was Gary who eventually woke her. She seemed a little disappointed at first 'cause she didn't walk all the way around the tree and almost just went right back to her room. But when she did see the gift Santa left, she was agape for a few moments before diving right in, playing with & inspecting the jogging stroller-with-smashed-handles. Several other of the toys have been great hits, thank goodness. Oddly (we thought) she was definitely not into wearing the white coat that came with the Doctor dress-up set. The tools, yes. The coat, almost a fearful aversion. I feel fulfilled when I get to watch what Fiona does with a toy, to see her gaining enjoyment in simple play causes a sort of sublime contentment within.

Saturday...resting the rest of illness.
Whatever it was started to pass. It's been cold outside so there hasn't been much out-door play. I really miss chilly winter running. Fiona is enamored of her jogging stroller and decided that she needed to go out for a run. Ah, were it somewhat warmer I'd definitely be up for a long walk outside. For now, my workout wear is starting to, er, pull a bit around the middle. I'm not sure how much longer it'll last. I could rant here about maternity clothing options, quality, availability, but I'll save that for another post.

Sunday, lovely MAXIMIZE at Mile Hi. Finally! I was able to sit through almost an entire service without crying too much. Then home again, relaxing and ham-bake casserole.

All in all a lovely, sweet, simple Christmas. I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I hope we can repeat it in spirit. Much gratitude for a wonderfully blessed 2009, may the New Calendar Year be joyful and productive!

When Grandparents Visit

The Grandparents Bowman Unit visited early this month, and it was really nice. Fiona was SO excited she could hardly eat with them around. Added bonus that when grandparents visit, they bring PRESENTS! Ever since there have been tea parties and lots of galloping-snorting-whinnying around the house. Fiona & I enjoyed the Aquarium & sight-seeing with Gramma & Granpa. Then the bonus of the authentic British Tea House & Restaurant at Hilltop Inn---my first time for true Yorkshire Pudding! A gem of a place!

Thank you to my parents for the gifts and taking the effort to bring ALL the remainder of my possessions up to Colorado. It's bizarre having previous lives collide in the current time continuum. I really can't explain it, it's traumatic in a healthy, healing way. I completed the initial reorganization & perusal. Must've thought somehow that I would return to unpack in a relative short time, based on some things I kept, but that's not what happened. Now I need to get most of it put in storage properly again, catalogued mentally, rid myself of what is rotten or of no real use anymore. Most of it was packed exactly as I left it, only one box casualty of a Texas rodent.
What an enlightening experience to see what I thought was important as a child, as a college student/first marriage, as a young professional & single person. Now, other than historical record, I'm trying to redefine its use. It seems I was searching for my relevance to the universe, keeping strict records in lots of journals. Now that I have found relevance in life to date, the rest is ancient history, impotent information. Since all is impermanent , no Thing lasts, I'll purge a majority of this 'stuff' and keep only poignant keepsakes, possibly interesting to our offspring should they ever be curious. A men tal "house" cleaning, how appropriate at this New Year time, how amazing that it all culminates exactly when it should....god-the-universe is watching.

The Birthdays Are Coming! The Birthdays Are Coming!!

YAY. Every year since I was little I always started getting excited about my birthday right about now. I think of it like my own personal New Year. There'll be even more anticipation and fun-fun-fun know that I've a partner in my birthday game, namely the Toddleator. Her birthday is the day after mine, oh, goody-goody-goody! I made Fiona a birthday wish list, things that I've seen her find Really Useful in playtime at others' houses or the Kids Club. She would also love more musical instruments and silky scarves a la Music Together class. The pretend play is just beginning, I've seen her 'cook' and feed her stuffed friends, 'talk' on the phone, and have entire conversations with a crowd of carefully placed critters. A baby doll is in order at some point in the future, along with all the accessories...but then I'm not sure that a doll will ever take the place of Little Bear in Fiona's snugglin' arms. As it is she seems to enjoy puzzles and games. I always have wish lists (read: shopping lists) for her on the two toy sites I like best, Oompa Toys & Moolka, shopping isn't the problem for me, it's staying within the "we-wanna-buy-a-house" budget that's an issue. The Internet is great for window shopping, super-easy to gather information and toy reviews before actually purchasing anything. To be sure, I research play-worthiness, quality, and price exhaustively before deciding on anything to add to my shopping lists, let alone actually invite into my home for my child to adopt.

Now, I have to decide whether or not to have a party for her. In 20 years we'll make a weekend of the event, but for now an hour or 2 with cake & balloons will suffice. For MY birthday, I get to race in the St. George Tri, which isn't actually on my birthday, but the weekend after. I'm not sure it's a gift in the classic sense of the word, I can think of at least three friends of mine that would argue the usage of gift in this context. Training is coming along nicely, it's all working out ok. Lately I'm just grateful I have a car to get me where I need to go in a timely manner, and I'm grateful for the simple ability to train the way I have & eventually participate in a race at all!