SOMAS 601

Week 4 Hmk

Wherein I discuss my revelations about my fears.

I used to fear what people thought about me, I used to worry about interactions for days upon days.  Now that worry is reserved for interactions with people I respect and hold dear.   Interestingly I’ve never worried or been fearful of not receiving [insert item/goal here].

I’m fearful of success, success in every area of my life. Success in parenting, success with endeavors to create monetary wealth, success with treatment and demonstration, success with relationship maturation, success with my ideas….so I make little mental and material distractions to keep me from achieving success, mostly rooted in questioning my worthiness of crazy blinding success.  I am successful though if I follow what RW Emerson wrote.

When I’m a great parent I’ve got to keep acting in a compassionate and loving way all the time, even when I’m sick and tired of them all. I’ve been surrendering to the moments a lot more lately.

When I’m successful with my ideas, I’ve got to be accountable and represent myself and my idea with integrity.  There’ll be more work to do and I’m unsure of my tenuous maturity in this new area of adulthood to handle it all.

When I’m successful with mediation and prayer, and demonstrations occur, my faith will deepen immeasurably and my convictions to live this path may lead me to an area that I’m completely terrified to admit I might be talented with. I’m afraid to be that bright, worried I’ll leave some behind when I’d rather take everyone with me because every single consciousness occurring here has that beautiful wondrous potential—why  should I be special?  (ego doesn’t discern the difference between transformation and death, no?) but then why shouldn’t I?

If my husband and I are to cleave together we need continuous growth. Thus far we’ve been through fits and starts of spiritual growth, honing each other into better living—of course parenting is a major part of that growth, children really force us to examine ourselves.

So, I’ve been releasing distractions of all manner and size that have kept me from my perceived success and my material success.  Some are small mental blocks subtle broken records, others are real distractions I toss in the way to add a tinge of emergency to anything I’m working on.  Removing these, I’ve noticed a great success with my prioritizing and time management, I’ve gotten a lot done and been more present doing it.  I’ve felt greater compassion around not completing household work or slips in my parenting style, been much more present and understanding with my girls.  And I’m attempting to work with a friend to get a business plan together that I will pitch to a group deciding the fate of a nearby property.

And yet it is interesting that yesterday, attending church solo with two in tow (third was ill and at home with The Man) I was so high, and exuberant about life in all its glorious forms and relations.  I am here, I love being a momma, I am loving this adventure—why not? Any thought to the contrary is just silly static that has no place in my positive sphere.  There was not a thing that would deter me from that space, I love my life, it is so good.  And today happened, with glitter loosed and migrating unauthorized around the house, a non-napping baby, and a three year old thoroughly in tantrum mode, I slid sideways somewhat. However I witnessed, the whole debacle, and avoided calamity.  I felt the wave pass, lifted me, carried me a short way, instead of struggling I let it go, and had my feet on the sand again.

Today is a good day to begin again.

“To laugh often and much;to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I made the phone calls I needed to, including a couple to friends. The eldest is reading downstairs, the middle and third are sleeping.  Left to myself I know there are a multitude of things to do in order that the house is cared for, workouts to get in, crafts backed up in my little room---feeling overwhelmed a bit I know I need to sit down and write.  It's January again.

I've decided I like January, it's quiet, simple. No major go-do-gift holidays, it's nice---mostly.

As I was losing my temper with the 3yo today, I watched my reaction occur. She didn't want to nap, and history shows that the resistance to said nap is directly proportional to the necessity of the nap. She was having her standard fit about it, and I didn't handle it as well as I have in past times.  When I don't catch her initial energetic down turn, it's difficult to get her to quiet time.

Maybe it's 'cause the baby wouldn't sleep either, maybe it's 'cause I didn't get to start the errands early as I planned, maybe it was the disappointment of not getting to the gym (baby had a random fever last night)...combination of many things.  I yelled, loudly, aggressively, with intent to frighten.

And I'm sick about it.

Though I handle it better than I did with the firstborn at three, in my heart I know I can act better.

Random lamentation, caterwauling is a trigger for me. There's a memory of emotion, feeling out of control and being taught, through fear and threats, feelings needed control at ALL cost.  Slapped, slapped again and again and again, into silence.

I observe this urge to hit them into silence, until they learn to shut up, because my anger is more important than your being---it's a memory of me as a little girl.  I've realized that my hurt from the incident(s?) is the basis of the trigger.  [I remember one incident clearly: my maternal grandmother threatened to slap me with her sandal unless I stopping crying right that instant...years later she, and my mom, deny that that could've every happened, causing me to question my memory, my reality.]

I don't hit my kids, I don't want to hit my kids. When I'm depleted emotionally, physically, spiritually....The Bully in me comes out.  This bully doesn't care about feelings, doesn't care about talking, doesn't care that others have needs. This bully only cares to hurt those around her because she's forgotten how to love her self.

{---dead pause---there's a baby crying, then the doorbell rings, and my process is brought to a standstill, to be continued another day, others' needs before my own...But I'll add this silly poem I wrote}

I want to be somebody else's mommy

someone grateful and kind

someone quiet and sweet

A ghost of a child than the real one I got

I want to be somebody else's mommy

where tears don't stain our cheeks

fusses and screams aren't part of my week

where I'm not stretched to my limit of personal growth

where frustration and anger are more a bygone joke

I want to be somebody else's mommy

you are too much like me

there's so much that needs change

I'm too too imperfect you see

You deserve better than me

And I forget to be grateful

for those everyday pains

Forget that others would gladly trade spaces

Yet some days, still,

I want to be somebody's else's mommy.

And after all that, at the end of this day or any other, all I really want to hear from anyone, is "Me, too."

Then it was Done

All that hustle and bustle, for a few hours of mildly raucous unwrapping. The 3yo is much better at this year, the 7yo is an expert, and the baby was grunting excitement and approval at everything that pleased him.

I kept meaning to write about something, anything---there is a list next to my bed---and then I put it off in favor of seasonally necessary activities. Then days and weeks happen in a flash and I'm experiencing a creative blockage without this outlet.  I'm thinking of a new challenge for myself, possibly involving the Season for Nonviolence as we are lately, as parents, making a more unified effort to root out UNconscious parenting (or personal) habits.  More on that later.

We attended Mile Hi's Christmas Service last night, and it was moving as usual since my heart has opened much more in the past 4 years. I'm positively bursting with gratitude that we belong to such an awesome community here in Denver, I wholly love every single person of this Colorado Family.  Sometimes I think I might burst apart at my seams with bliss.

The GiggleSisters were rabid to don their holiday dresses (maybe next year we'll way until the eve of Xmas Eve to gift them). By the time we left service last night their excitement had reached a fever pitch and, while well behaved, they were barely manageable.  As the Spirit of Santa had gotten a jump on the wrapping and prep, there were very few small last minute things to arrange, and a reasonable hour was attended for the "long winter's nap".

I'm finding with our newest expansion that I've fallen deeper in love with our little (bigger) family. I'm perfectly content to hang around with these people I live with, even when they're acting in ridiculous unconscious manner.  I miss my Texas Family somethin' fierce, life keeps happening keeping us from visiting.  Truth be told, at this point, I'm more than aware with FIVE people, it's no small thing to travel and barge into someone's home.  All in good time.

Since my last post I've finished 3 knitting projects, re-set up my LOViNTee Etsy shop,, sent Christmas cards, baked some good stuff (grateful props to The Man for making Christmas dinner, though), made 12 simple gifts to give away, created Christmas magic, all while managing to care-take the household (barely, some days), handle a baby's illness, and keep the children clean, fed, and at their specified appointments....and I've prayed a LOT, and greedily snatched those still, silent moments in between all the DO-ing.  I found the durable thing within, a palpable loving Spirit that I draw upon to keep moving forward.

All is well, we are at peace, and I'm great-full and gratefully moving into the next calendar year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Gratitude

I told myself I wouldn't stay up late, I said I'd only work on the photo book until 11. Oh, well.  As our holiday is completed and we're back into the fray tomorrow I thought it appropriate to post a gratitude list.

A--Apple-pear-ginger pie that was Awesome
B--Baby Boys Bouncing and humming, and Babysitters
C--Christmas season is here, Cinnamon and Cookies
D--Dining with Dear ones, and Dates stuffed with goat cheese
E--Evergreens, Especially the one soon to grace my home
H--Housework, yes Housework, 'cause it means I have a Home
I--Indigo for it's many shades of jeans
J--Joy, that I have it every day in some form or other
K--Kites that little children make, and Knitting that I now Know how
L--Light, that without it I mightn't could type, but then maybe poorly
M--Moon so bright on crisp clear nights
N--Nonsense and gibberish blurted belligerently
O--Orange zest making cranberries bright
P--People People all around
Q--Queries and Questions from inQuisitive young minds
R--rain
S--Stomach issues, though uncomfortable and stinky, at least I'm slim : /
T--Turkey and the pot pies I've skill to make
U--Underwear, that I have clean pairs to spare
V--Very Vociferous Voices constantly clamoring, I'll miss them one day
W--Water, hot and cold running water indoors
X--Xenophilia
Y--yo-yo's that keep little hands busy
Z--Zoo Lights a holiday treat one night.

Happy happy sleep tonight.

Rainbow days

After a storm there are rainbows. I had several phone calls and a

surprise visit from The Man, I took small actions toward
mitigating the chaos, and started to feel better. That momentum built
a good finish to the day and into the next. Amazing how prayer works, even simply in the asking for help there is peace.
There were no giant altercations betwixt the girls, the baby was
typical happy baby, and I got some more done with the house. I forget that effectively we just moved in. Moving, remodeling, requires patience of process.

Grateful for the dojo as an added accountability for The Firstborn and her behavior.

Grateful on the way home this evening we chased a rainbow. F was so excited trying to figure out how to reach the end of that rainbow, I thoroughly enjoyed discussing strategy with her, negotiating where we should turn or of it was fading.

 Grateful for puzzle time with the Second born and soccer time with her sister, grateful for my ability to feed my baby and share my milk, most of all grateful for the abundance we love and live in.

Truly, Life is good, ALL The Time.

Sibling jealousy

Who would want to harm this sweet baby?

Well, She would. ---->

I've stepped away briefly to grab clothing or my phone, and she's pushed the limits--especially mine.  Its hard to rein in a mama-bear reaction hearing an infant scream, even if it's focused on another of my own children. 

One morning i caught her BANGING her sister's baby doll on the kitchen table.  She is apparently jealous and expresses herself, "I'm feeling sad/mad about the baby" or "i don't WANT the baby on your lap/nursing!". 

We need to edit in some extra anger outlets it seems (into my subroutines as well?).  She colored an Angry Picture yesterday after the most recent incident. Doesn't help me feel any more confident abut leaving her with him even if he's in the crib, even if its for an instant.  "Ah, mi. Patience!" Cries the mother.

This is just one day, one of many that have passed and that will come.  This particular day we're lucky to survive. On another day all will be most evidently well with all facets, giggles will abound and happiness doesn't disguise itself with challenges. 

Feeling pretty weary at the moment. Breathe,  pray, repeat.

Consequences

I suppose this is my comeuppance for her chosen consequences from last weekends' utter atomic melt down tantrum. 

She only just started to feel the reality of her choice to not play with little friends all week. The other choice was to stay home and work with her Papa all day Saturday, skipping a birthday party.  We only came to the conclusion of giving her a choice after almost an hours' deliberation. In addition to that choice, she had to clean up the great mess she made of her sister's bed and their room, AND she's yet to figure out how to pay Ms. J for her impromptu sittering service.  

I'm indebted to that lovely woman for backing me up when I needed to get out.  All mamas should have an emergency phone-a-friend.

First Born & Parental Regret

Last night I read some pieces from a baby specific journal I've been keeping for the past 8 years.  Eight because it includes notes from ladies and mommas from my baby showers.  From the Firstborn through to last night I've been keeping as good a record as possible for Babies' Firsts and familial Banner Days.

This morning I came across a short video of Miss Monkey on her 3rd birthday....and it hurt.  Touched a sore spot I didn't know I had.  First time parent trying so hard to get it right.  Though it was apparent through my journal notes I had an awareness of the miraculous, I had yet to soak in it, to apply the mystic concepts of parenthood, i.e. limitless compassion, respecting the miracle, and unconditional loving with abandon.

So, to my firstborn daughter:  

I love you, so very much, I wanted so badly to make a good "first impression" with you, on your little life.  My regret looking back, I could've done better, faster.  We do the best we can with what we have, and I had already come much farther from my origin.  Though it hasn't been perfect by my definition, I can have faith that it's perfect in God's way.  One day you will surely understand, and from here, though there will still be some mistakes, I will do better by you, love.

And to my Self:  

It's okay, dear Ada, it's okay.  It's All, All Right in the end.   Just Keep Loving Forward.

Miss Monkey, 4 years ago

just a few days ago

Diaper Notes

Newborns are different to diaper than chubby 3-4 month olds, my newborn weighed ~7# but gained so quickly that I switched up to next size from newborn prefolds by the end of first month.  Higher frequency of changes mean necessary 24 minimum on hand, and ideally fit is key though leaks are rare 'cause there's just not that much production yet.  (see also my blogged diaper discoveries Pt 1 & Pt 2)

Happily, in my eclectic Bin O'Diapers, are 2 bumGenius stuffable All-In-Ones, and 1 bumGenuis pocket, all three I am loving for night-time. The fit is good, stretchy tabs at snaps, good elastic, these will fit for months and months.

A friend gifted me 2 Imse Vimse wraps that of course work well with the dipes of same brand, a terry organic cotton contour (ergonomic) fit, have been great for this newborn and will work great up until he outgrows them (just as his sister did).

Grandma gifted 2 RumpARooz Lil' Joeys, not sure a more perfect diaper for newborns exists.  These are the only fitted diapers I've ever owned, everything else is effectively One-Size and it's been an adventure finding what "one-size" truly means per brand.  Anyway, RumpARooz patented inner gusset is super functional, there's a snap down for umbilical, these work just like a 'sposie.  My Boy started wetting through these at about 1 month though.  Poly-fleece, while popular for it's "stay-dry" aspect simply isn't as absorbent as natural fiber.

Yet another friend gifted several WeeHugger wraps with a mountain of g-Diaper's disposable and reusable inserts.  I'd read about Wee Hugger but not tried them, and I'm pleased with the fit and versatility. The disposable g-Inserts I'm familiar with, though we'd never tried the reusables.  These are fleece backed with (best guess) hemp/cotton blend, after Baby Boy started soaking through one fleece insert I simply added another, and the doubled inserts have been working well in the pocket dipes. These wraps have also been accommodating for pre-folds as well.

And a New Find at the gently used section of GGB---Gen-Y wraps.  A short snap-over design, hip fabric with a nice thick PUL layer, and deep outer gussets.  Both the WeeHugger and Gen-Y become damp or even soaked depending on time worn, so they're not exactly "wipe clean", but generally I can use one wrap all day much like the RumpARooz wrap I purchased for Baby as well.

Incidentally when perusing gently used diaper merchandise here are tips:

• look closely for stains, if it's breastmilk sunlight will take care of it easily, though if otherwise beware
• listen to elastic, if it's creaky when stretched, it's old, in a heated dryer too often and won't last too much longer
• look at seams with PUL lining, if its cracking or pealing it's been in the hot dryer too often, expect wicking
• carefully consider the new price vs. used price, in my opinion a used diaper item should be half or less than half of the full price new---unless it is really in stellar un-used condition, i.e. washed once never used

Some great huge gratitudes for community we've gained, the main reason I can expound yet again on subject of diapering.  LOVE!

Sweet grunts and squeaks, a fluffle-snort like a foal, chuffs and complaints, man-burps and butt noises, latch-snmacking while nursing, shrill squ-whistles on the inhale when suffering injustices of baby hood...this boy is noisey.  His voice is beginning to change into a baby cry from the newborn's signature lament, and it sounds a lot like E's tone and timber.  His choking and coughing at my let-down reflex, and his simple existent noisey-ness reminiscent of F.  But he is his own.  I know there are similarities, there should be, they are siblings.  But he is his a new unique instance.  

As a sleepy, sleepy baby, he takes a good long time grunting, stretching, and fluffling before he's fully awake.  Something I've had to ask the girls to "please, oh, please, do NOT disturb your brother until he's really awake!"  He's getting used to the crib by degrees, and I do enjoy a few hours sleeping 'alone'.  Co-sleeping has great advantages regards to bonding and easy access breastfeeding, I attribute his stellar weight gain partly to the co-sleeping.  What Mama would refuse opportunity to gaze at sleeping newborn? cuddled up and cozy? None, I say.  Since I heard a comic quip that babies don't sleep, I'm gaining new meaning for "sleep like a baby." It's that best sleep, the warm, safe, and loved sleep. Sleep that we all cherish and should be more sacred I think.  

A couple of weeks ago in his eyes there was fleeting vague recognition of his existence here, a brief connection when I looked into these deep blues.  Now, such a short time later, he's truly connecting with us.  Giving sweet new smiles by turn, and coo-ing in that magical new baby tone.

He's a standard issue miracle.  I'm so blessed to have three of these, and so, so grateful.

one was already awake

3 AM

Three o'clock in the morning, or thereabouts.  Just finished a double-nursing/double-diaper-change session, and I'm left wide awake and thinking.

It's these times in the dark quiet listening to breathing noises that I've blog ideas rattling around my mind.  I might pray some, meditate, last night, though, I had to get up and put ideas down on paper so as not to forget them by morning.

There are three now, three people we created out of irreducibly complex cells...well we, and The Divine.  Interesting that we can scientifically describe all the processes, and yet we cannot really define HOW it works.

Some questions and comments lately as I'm wearing baby around herding t'other two:

How old is your baby?  1.5 months 

Wow, you're brave!

Really? I guess I don't consider myself especially courageous doing simply what needs to be done. Besides, if we tried to stay in until there was some comfort level, we might end up at such odds it'd be tragically comical.  And it's rather a lack of options.  Though mostly I simply chuckle and answer, "May be."

Is he a good baby? (mostly from the elder crew)

Well, now, ALL babies are good.  If you mean is he a good sleeper, then yes, mostly.  In regards to elders, I've also had most interesting conversations about circumcision especially with older ladies.

Is it different having a boy?

Not, really.  Its different equipment to work around, I've been pee'd on a bit here and there. I used to say it often, but now I've proof: babies are pretty androgynous.  It's how we treat them that matters regarding sex/gender.

How is it with Three?  Is it hard?

Not as challenging as going from 1 to 2.  We've switched to zone coverage instead of man-to-man (though I kinda feel like I've been doing zone coverage since E was born). Generally speaking the two are entertaining each other while I'm with the baby.  Or they're fighting and I've had them confined to quarters, hands-to-themselves-stay-on-your-bed, then I do my level best to ignore whatever I over hear. ("Sounds like you're having a problem, let me know if you need some options to work it out!"  Ultimately life is only as hard as we make it.  And my children are not inconvenient or a problem, they are my life's main work.  They are blessings.

Love only grows, especially when it's allowed to.  For myself it's actually easier now to notice and comment on positives with the girls---my conscious being present has enhanced.  It may be that my time at a premium has forced me into a more practical place with prioritizing on all levels.  I'm extremely grateful not to live in a constant state of dramatic enactment of "OMG there are THREE."  Just keep moving forward, willingly and joyfully doing the next right thing...and some days a whole lot of prayer and mindfulness practice!

And Then There Was Reign

A day after our short mountain adventure, early labor in earnest.  The Man convinces me to head northerly toward the W.H.O. hospital I loved so much with E's birth, so we do (it's a 35 minute drive without traffic).  And my labor all but stops.  We had a nice morning date, bit of coffee, breakfast, walking, then visiting dear friends' house to attempt to relax, and lots of laughing.  But I wasn't getting much action in the labor ing department.  I decided I'd take my friend up on her offer of castor oil.  We'd done everything else as far as self-induction (spiciest foods, slippery elm, hiking/elevation change, walking-walking-walking, and even the old standby wives tale which incidentally works best with a "hat trick" of specific activity ;).  I figured a tablespoon would either kick this labor into gear for real, or simply send me to the bathroom.  After a phone call to the doc, some deliberation and discussion, we decided to head back home.

I got to nap, Grandma kept the Littles at bay for me, and pressure waves were intermittent.  Between 3-3:45 labor started in earnest, and I phone The Man to retrieve me and head back toward hospital.  We embarked the vehicle and began The Drive.

Contractions (a.k.a pressure waves) were ~5' apart, 30 miles to travel, at 4pm on one of the busiest surface streets in the area.  It.was.harrowing.  The Man asked me at one point, "should I be breaking traffic laws?"  My answer, "if you can safely, then do it."  I didn't know what stage I was truly in, 'cause the other two babies came after doses of pitocin.  So, he's breaking traffic laws, not running lights (yet), and probably pissing many people off---until they look into the car, there's no way to miss The Belly and a woman clearly focusing intently.  "No, pushing!" he says over and over.  And finally we're almost there, we can see the hospital!

"Oh, my god, there's a wreck."  

A big wreck, over the entire 3 lane highway, it's completely blocked, they're turning people around.  "$%^#!" we pull up to a policewoman, she tells us we have to take another route, her only other option is an ambulance.  We drive back the 2 miles to the previous intersection, angling around the line of traffic, surely 'causing everyone to question the sanity of Texans (mom's plates).  The officer at this intersection calls for assistance immediately after The Man screams, "MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY!!"  He then escorts us back to the accident, and through it, this being the shortest most direct route.  Blessings on that motorcyclist and the involved vehicle, and that officer.  

We arrive safely at hospital, fully engaged in active labor, though things had slowed a bit, and I hear them call up to the L&D floor, "You have a 'mul-tip' on her way up in active labor."  As it turns out "mul-tips" are mommas who've had multiple births, and it's expected that delivery will be fast it immediately puts nurses on alert.  Though I'd said many times this pregnancy that it's not like the movies, this experience most certainly was more film worthy than any other!  Rushing in a wheel chair through the hospital, contracting all the way.  

Upon arrival and settling in there was a period of slight calm, and then pretty standard labor.  I asked them to leave me unhooked so I could move freely from bed, to ball, to rocker, to tub, to rocker, to bed.  The superb nurses only monitored me when necessary.  After a second dilation check, it got really Real, real fast.  From 6 to 10 cm and begging (loudly) to push in 18 minutes.  They didn't even put monitors back on for pushing.  I got to do it old school, by feel.  It. was. magnificent.  

And so, after such an adventure, baby boy Reign Calum arrived.  We are so glad you've come!

Just keep moving forward.  Just for Today I have a plan, and if it doesn't go exactly the direction I intend I know my Higher Power had something different in mind, and I'm (generally) okay with that.  : )

Yesterday, after Botanic Gardens, I spent my little free time getting the playroom packed up, closet cleared of everything but sewing (which I'm stalling as there are a couple of projects I need to complete).  Amazingly, I was able to make dinner at the same time, all while wrangling children to help rather than hinder the packing process. (I made a rule, "once it's in a box, it does not come out!")  And let's not forget I'm 30 weeks pregnant.

Incredibly insane the skill level of toy-mixing with these small children!   A giant game of memory played in the space of a couple of hours.  I didn't want to box anything that wasn't whole. Puzzle pieces had to be found, parts had to be bagged, all the kitchen play/food had to be located, as did the Magna-Tiles, and SuperStructs (great use of reusable grocery sacks not in rotation)....which meant for a day they were all sitting idle as the pieces could be located among the discarded random bits of paper/felt/trashtoys/crayons/markers/small-sparkly-whatnots that inevitably surfaced.  I'm grateful I thinned it all out months ago after realizing they couldn't keep it tidy---there was just too much, and believe me, we don't have nearly as much as some houses I've witnessed.

A short note on simplicity:

I've said before I appreciate simplicity over batteries, and quality over quantity.  When considering a toy purchase I'm careful.  Is it a naturally sensory rich item?  Are these pieces they'll keep track of? that I won't mind stepping on or finding in my shoe/kitchen drawer/toilet?  How disposable are those pieces should I have a conniption about the mess?  : )  How many different ways it could be used creatively?  If I can think of 3 or 5, I know the kids will think of a dozen more.  When we unpack I'll look through all the toys again with a ruthless eye.  Books are more challenging for me, as I am a bibliophile, I do enjoy having a library.  When I thinned out the toys I thinned out the books as well.  Simplifying selection to one cubby containing books with messages The Man and I believe need strong reinforcement.  Total book volume will get a ruthless revamp as well, and happiest day will be that of the garage sale for charity of choice.  I do not know what to do with books that have been written, drawn, scribbled in though.

The House.  Well the house is a sweet little 60's ranch on a block between a park (yay!) and an institutional grade school (meh).  In a neighborhood we believe will begin to flip nicely based on the posh new development less than a mile away.  We posted our flier, had a few calls, then Mrs D emailed info on her place she's been renting out since the 80's.  She'd already given vacate notice to her tenant before seeing our flier, and miraculously she usually never looks at the community board. Divine Synchronous!  We made a rent-with-option deal with her, signed, paid, made ready to remove carpet and do floors....everybody happy and excited!  

Then the tenant refused to move.  

Many have said, "What? can they do that?" Apparently, yes.  The tenant can claim notice to vacate never received and get lawyers involved, which is what happened.  Our move date has been backed up a few weeks, and we've been gifted the adventure of staying in another beneficent friend's basement, again!  Part of me asks, "how did this happen?"  But my higher vibration kicks in and I'm firm in faith that all is exactly as it should be, we're adventuring in Life again, and we are miraculously cared for.  

I am grateful!

Eye-spying poison dart frogs

Simply Be Grateful

I've made gratitude lists here several times before (label gratitude).

Seeing this post by Finding Joy I think I'll participate in a blessings list...stream of consciousness style.

Soothing music gifted to us by Dear Friend M, Elizabeth Mitchell...aiding currently the explosive reaction by The Firstborn when she made a couple of poor decisions that kept her from shopping with Papa tthis morning...cinnamon bananas that the Second is stubbornly refusing to eat after requesting them....stubborn-ness or better put tenacious aspects of both these children, successful people are determined in some form or other...consequences, no matter how terrible the reaction seems at the moment, the lessons learned now will benefit future decision making, my kids aren't happy all the time because they live in this real world, that's a blessing....Love & Logic that has given me tools to use, helped me better understand my own issues with empathy and love, and lead me into my more authentic parenting style....their little dollars wasted on crap candy, a lesson in and of itself when both girls decided the didn't like the candy....berries are a blessing in every sweet bite...glu-free flour for morning waffles with maple syrup...smarter eating, especially considering my pregnant state....blessing of healthy children, healthy pregnancy, healthy friendships, healthy marriage, healthy harmonious and happy existence....blessing of community relationships thickened in the past 6 years, a sense of belonging is priceless....deeper learning about my own reactions and responses that I can ferret out and understand any ideas of separation, limitation, and fear that linger....

Saturday Daddy day projects with papa...recovery time on the stairs for little people....new blender (the Ninja died).... kale + blueberry + almond milk + greens + protein powder = goodgreengratitudes....but then mixed frozen berries + greens + protein + pomegranate juice = detox wonderful....and 'cause I have to, the choco monkey = dark chocolate almond milk + frozen bananas + peanut butter (+ protein)....

{most of this appears to be about food, well I am pregnant, and it's coming up on lunchtime}

little girls giggling....yogurt smiles...berry "roll-ups" for breakfast, invented by the Firstborn....Rosetta Stone Spanish...toddler voices in the grocery exclaiming "OH, SHELLS!" regarding (pi)'stacios, and asking so sweetly, "mama, can we have deez wittle wed t'ings, puh-wease?" (raspberries)....watching little brains make new connections & myelination....learning to teach is a blessing, making my own new myelinations....weather days....situations and circumstances that strengthen us individually and as a family....my husband, lover, provider, funny-man, father, trekker on this adventure....beatrix potter story books....firm parenting resolve....distractions....nonsensical silly things....fun....purple tutus first thing in the morning...prioritizing, maturity, love....

creativity, inspiration, and dreams....generousity (receiving and giving)....peanut butter....hummus....chubby little wrists, and marshmallow fists....baby kicks...pickles, pizza, and cheeseburgers....hot & cold running water, indoor plumbing, on-demand heat & cooling, choices of foods to nourish our bodies all blessings....

....my ability to notice a blessing is, in and of itself, a blessing.

A- autumn glory
B- being
C- change (Choose Having A New Growth Experience)
E- everything and everyone
F- flowers for Little Girl's mourning
G- girls giggling together
H- high and mighty gold in the hills
I- I AM
J- jokes of the 6 yo random knock-knock variety
K- kites
L- love of every kind, especially the random acts
M- money management
N- nonsense
O- oranges
P- people
Q- quietude
R- rest
S- silliness
T- trust
U- umbrellas
V- vicissitude
W- water
X- xenophilia
Y- yoga pants
Z- zebras added to the menagerie

Be grateful, it magnifies the moment aids in present-ness.  Just be grateful.

Grateful for Freedom of...

As I've done before, my gratitude lists are easy alphabets, this one has a theme for the holiday, enjoy.

Today, 4th of July, I am Grateful for my Freedom of....

Attitude--one small change in perception can change a lot more that one might think
Beneficence--who and how is all our choice
Courage--what to use it for and when
Decision--from small daily decisions to the larger more complex
Experiments--because that's what life is, a series of experiments, the more we make the more we learn
Faith
Goods to choose from--we have incredible variety here, the bounty that we have incomparable to other countries
Home & Happiness--our pursuits really amount to a need for belonging, a home in classic sense or esoteric, and the happiness we find therein
Intellect--choose to use it, grow it, or not
Joy--comes from within, cultivate it!
Knowing--that inner deep kind
Love
Matrimony--bureaucracy of any kind shouldn't be involved with intensely personal affairs
New learning--because dynamic learning is the key to growth, the opposite of stagnation
Opinion--everyone has one
Patriotism--I get to decide what it is for me
Query--ask questions, lots and lots of questions
Reading--our beautiful library system and the newest fun of anythink
Speech--because everyone simply wants to be heard, the question is: are you willing to give a gift of listening?
Truth--know your own, and speak it like cannonballs!
Understanding--another gift to give
Vision--I have mine, what's yours?
Xenophilia--we can no longer be islands unto ourselves...get some worldly experience
Yelling--it seems to me that it doesn't work, but people still try (see above: Speech)
Zero regrets--regret is useless, serves only to squash my learning experience

I know I could have posted this yesterday, but a cheeseburger coma overtook me.  A lovely day with nottathing to do is always nap inducing.

Happy Independence Day!

Thank You Gratitude

I'm likening gratitude to a steam engine.  Some days it's challenging to get it going, the wheels might slip with that initial forward chug, but once the momentum has gotten the best of the weight of my activities, gratitude is self perpetuating.  This moment gives birth to the next.  If I fill this moment with gratitude, the next moment can't help but bring blessings.

A is for abilities, of which I have many (apple pie, too, I made for The Man's birthday).
B is for bounty, which will be on our table this Thursday.
C is for cat, Porter is older than the kids. <3
D is for downward dog, yoga-yoga-yoga.
E is for Toddleator E, whose bright silliness fills our moments with giggles.
F is for Miss Monkey, whose imagination, energy, and intensity are sparks through the day.
G is for gymnastics coaches who take my Bigger Girl and have aided teaching her strength and determination.
H is for help, and knowing when to ask for it.
I is for me, and the I Am that I Am.
J is for juggling, 'cause one day I'll know how.
K is for kites.
L is for love, that really does conquer all.
M is for magnets as grateful hearts collect blessings.
N is for night, when those babies are sleeping.
O is for others, those people that change me.
P is for pumpkin, with which I will bake.
Q is for quiche, because it's so tasty.
R is for ribbons for little girl hair.
S is for soup, 'cause Soup Season is here!
T is for The Man, he's totally tops I tell you!
U is for umbrella, as F is obsessed with them.
V is for vibration, and a higher frequency at that.
W is for water, running through my home.
X is for Ximena, who complimented my Spanish accent.
Y is for you, yes, I'm grateful, thankful, for you.

Bridged the gap

By god-the-universe serendiptous occurences all in the right order at the right time, we get to stay in Denver area! While we are still moving out of the current rental, and plan to actively search for a lease w/ option, I can relax and make plans...long term plans, for the first time in my adult life. Not only I can, but I also want to. The Man secured, by his extensive skill set, a VP position with a growing construction company.

HIP-HIP, HOORAY!! HIP-HIP, HOORAY!! HIP-HIP, HOORAY!!

So here is a gratitude list of late.
A -- action and the action of inaction
B -- being in the moment
C -- Colorado's state medical assistance for pregnant women & children
D -- downright REAL people
E -- evergreen smells on a walk with Miss Monkey
F -- friends whom we love and love us right back
G -- grapes
H -- help
I -- ideas, of the creative sort
J -- just for today
K -- kumquat, 'cause it's a fun word
L -- love
M -- my man
N -- new friends
O -- old friends, too, though I don't get to talk to you much I still love you all
P -- peanut butter squeeze packets that keep me alive while out and about with the girls
Q -- quick queen of quincy and her quacking quackeroo
R -- rest
S -- starlight
T -- Truth
U -- unbound freedom
V -- visualization
W -- web communications
X -- eXcruciatingly joyful moments
Y -- yellow shoes
Z -- zeal, living my life with it

Attitude of Gratitude

My gratitude list....

A is for apples, of the honey crisp sort.
B is for baking, my favorite comfort activity.
C is for coffee, lovely wonderful coffee.
D is for my daughter, teaching me more about myself everyday.
E is for evergreens, inside, outside, fragrant, & decorated.
F is for my family, who know where I came from, and support where I'm going.
G is for Gary, gregarious or grumpy.
H is for the horses next door.
I is for my imagination, kept invigorated by the Little Girl.
J is for joining another spectacular day.
K is for kindling, figuratively or literally the means to start a fire.
L is for laughter, without which my life would be morose.
M is for monkey soup, which Fiona likes to present for supper (Barrel of Monkeys anyone?)
N is for night, bright stars, brighter moon, crisp air.
O is for octopus, purely 'cause it's fun to listen to Fiona say it.
P is for pie, who doesn't love pie??
Q is for quarreling, sometimes it's the only way to learn something.
R is for running, then biking,
S is for swimming,
T is for triathlon, looking forward to another race!
U is for understanding, give a little get a little.
V is for validation, I like to know I'm not insane...doesn't everyone enjoy a little validation?
W is for water, the pervasive element that sustains all life.
X is for Nixie Knox, Axe, & Extra Fox.
Y is for 'Yes' which I hear less often than I'd like.
Z is for the zebra skin vintage bag I inherited from elders.

Not just for Thanksgiving! I discovered finding one word for every letter a super-useful tool when I'm feeling downtrodden, complacent, or plain cranky with my life.
Nothin' but love to everyone for Thanksgiving weekend!