Birth in the Park

At a very large, very crowded urban park recently, pickin' up on the neighboring mommy blanket, I chatted friendly with a couple of other crunchy mamas.  A bit later I was slightly agape watching her 2 year old strip down nude and birth her baby doll.

Yes, read it again.  Mama encouraged her daughter through the doll-birthing process, "that's right, push the baby out" and "you're such a good mommy."

It took me almost a week to process the feelings that came up with this experience.

The first thing that happened, Monk-A-Doodle, my token lovin'-naked-life-child, came to ask "it's okay to be naked outside?" 

Carefully I said, "yes, it is okay to be naked outside. Though, sweetheart," surveying the expanse, "I'm not comfortable as this park is so big, and so busy right now, so just keep your swimsuit on, okay?"  This child is so very tactile in her soothing and cuddling, I also couldn't be sure what she'd do.  

To be socially responsible I've learned to take others' comfort level into account.  (Incidentally if we had and expanse of private land, there'd definitely be some instance of naked baby butts outside.  Butt then there's this option.)  I guess I've become somewhat a prude in my maturing mommy-hood years, or maybe it's because I've little girls and I'm too aware of over-sexualization of young girls in our society.

As for the mock birth the little girl played out, it's probably a realistic throwback to tribal days when all the women and girls were involved on some level to aid a woman giving birth.  It actually caused me to think I might've taken a different tack with F, but the way things occur in this era---I answer the questions that come up in an honest succinct manner, careful not to over-answer (this book is great).  Introducing life experience subject matter like birth and nursing makes sense, even if they mayn't have a conscious memory of the pretending, it would hopefully match their intuitive nature later on, making the whole experience less frightening.  

Maybe that momma was a doula or a midwife and it's part of their daily life experience, it brought up interesting thought process for me.  In a follow-up conversation a dear friend helped with a final aspect I had been struggling with but hadn't been able to put to words.  It was the public nature of the display.  Birth, like death I think, is an intensely private experience.  We invite only trusted people and family into that experience, and typically carefully choose our location for focus and comfort. The very public nature of that particular park, well, it was a shock to my system.

I'm beginning to love all manner of challenging experiences.  Life is good, all the time!

my babies nursing their baby dolls

Sweet grunts and squeaks, a fluffle-snort like a foal, chuffs and complaints, man-burps and butt noises, latch-snmacking while nursing, shrill squ-whistles on the inhale when suffering injustices of baby hood...this boy is noisey.  His voice is beginning to change into a baby cry from the newborn's signature lament, and it sounds a lot like E's tone and timber.  His choking and coughing at my let-down reflex, and his simple existent noisey-ness reminiscent of F.  But he is his own.  I know there are similarities, there should be, they are siblings.  But he is his a new unique instance.  

As a sleepy, sleepy baby, he takes a good long time grunting, stretching, and fluffling before he's fully awake.  Something I've had to ask the girls to "please, oh, please, do NOT disturb your brother until he's really awake!"  He's getting used to the crib by degrees, and I do enjoy a few hours sleeping 'alone'.  Co-sleeping has great advantages regards to bonding and easy access breastfeeding, I attribute his stellar weight gain partly to the co-sleeping.  What Mama would refuse opportunity to gaze at sleeping newborn? cuddled up and cozy? None, I say.  Since I heard a comic quip that babies don't sleep, I'm gaining new meaning for "sleep like a baby." It's that best sleep, the warm, safe, and loved sleep. Sleep that we all cherish and should be more sacred I think.  

A couple of weeks ago in his eyes there was fleeting vague recognition of his existence here, a brief connection when I looked into these deep blues.  Now, such a short time later, he's truly connecting with us.  Giving sweet new smiles by turn, and coo-ing in that magical new baby tone.

He's a standard issue miracle.  I'm so blessed to have three of these, and so, so grateful.

one was already awake

And Then There Was Reign

A day after our short mountain adventure, early labor in earnest.  The Man convinces me to head northerly toward the W.H.O. hospital I loved so much with E's birth, so we do (it's a 35 minute drive without traffic).  And my labor all but stops.  We had a nice morning date, bit of coffee, breakfast, walking, then visiting dear friends' house to attempt to relax, and lots of laughing.  But I wasn't getting much action in the labor ing department.  I decided I'd take my friend up on her offer of castor oil.  We'd done everything else as far as self-induction (spiciest foods, slippery elm, hiking/elevation change, walking-walking-walking, and even the old standby wives tale which incidentally works best with a "hat trick" of specific activity ;).  I figured a tablespoon would either kick this labor into gear for real, or simply send me to the bathroom.  After a phone call to the doc, some deliberation and discussion, we decided to head back home.

I got to nap, Grandma kept the Littles at bay for me, and pressure waves were intermittent.  Between 3-3:45 labor started in earnest, and I phone The Man to retrieve me and head back toward hospital.  We embarked the vehicle and began The Drive.

Contractions (a.k.a pressure waves) were ~5' apart, 30 miles to travel, at 4pm on one of the busiest surface streets in the area.  It.was.harrowing.  The Man asked me at one point, "should I be breaking traffic laws?"  My answer, "if you can safely, then do it."  I didn't know what stage I was truly in, 'cause the other two babies came after doses of pitocin.  So, he's breaking traffic laws, not running lights (yet), and probably pissing many people off---until they look into the car, there's no way to miss The Belly and a woman clearly focusing intently.  "No, pushing!" he says over and over.  And finally we're almost there, we can see the hospital!

"Oh, my god, there's a wreck."  

A big wreck, over the entire 3 lane highway, it's completely blocked, they're turning people around.  "$%^#!" we pull up to a policewoman, she tells us we have to take another route, her only other option is an ambulance.  We drive back the 2 miles to the previous intersection, angling around the line of traffic, surely 'causing everyone to question the sanity of Texans (mom's plates).  The officer at this intersection calls for assistance immediately after The Man screams, "MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY!!"  He then escorts us back to the accident, and through it, this being the shortest most direct route.  Blessings on that motorcyclist and the involved vehicle, and that officer.  

We arrive safely at hospital, fully engaged in active labor, though things had slowed a bit, and I hear them call up to the L&D floor, "You have a 'mul-tip' on her way up in active labor."  As it turns out "mul-tips" are mommas who've had multiple births, and it's expected that delivery will be fast it immediately puts nurses on alert.  Though I'd said many times this pregnancy that it's not like the movies, this experience most certainly was more film worthy than any other!  Rushing in a wheel chair through the hospital, contracting all the way.  

Upon arrival and settling in there was a period of slight calm, and then pretty standard labor.  I asked them to leave me unhooked so I could move freely from bed, to ball, to rocker, to tub, to rocker, to bed.  The superb nurses only monitored me when necessary.  After a second dilation check, it got really Real, real fast.  From 6 to 10 cm and begging (loudly) to push in 18 minutes.  They didn't even put monitors back on for pushing.  I got to do it old school, by feel.  It. was. magnificent.  

And so, after such an adventure, baby boy Reign Calum arrived.  We are so glad you've come!

Toddleator is a big 3 now, she was so excited for her Birthday Brunch restaurant treat, and then upon arrival home there was a gift bag from Ms D.

The Elder of the Two had a great first CARA meet, she cleaned up in fact.  I'm not sure it's exactly fair with her USAG background bringing her into a totally recreational league.  She really enjoyed her success (2nd AA, 1st bar, 1st floor, 6th beam, 3rd vault), and I enjoyed the more relaxed vibe and considerably shortened duration.

I had gorgeous flowers awaiting me both from my parents and my prospective sister-in-law and brother.

little gymnast hornin' in on my pic

And then to top it all off we had gourmet fabulous cupcakes with a bit of ice cream.  A totally successful relaxing weekend.  

blurry, but the only one we're all smiling

My Mother's Day was simple and lovely, some chocolate and strawberries, a picnic and a walk around the park.  Happy Momma.

NOW, let's have a baby!

The BIRTHDays Are Here

I had a lovely, simple birthday.  I got a nice breakfast, home facial, a bit of yoga, meditation, short Morning Lesson with my Big Girl, and off we went to celebrate a fabulous local shop's first birthday as well.  Though I spent too much time perusing the supplies we made it to my OB appointment then spent the afternoon with dear friends, Lucky Pie pizza, and Sweet Cow Ice Cream.  Back on our side of town we met for lite grocery shopping and a quick meal pick-up.  The girls were so wasted and belligerent with lack of rest (most especially the Younger of The Two) it was a sad comedy getting them fed and sacked out.  

The Elder of The Two then had her birthday celebration the following day, with a Kenpo sparring workshop, trips to the Lego and comic book stores, then a Rockin' Kitchen and ice cream get together at Scrumptious.  An unintended bonus is that her birthday is May the Fourth Be With You, so, many Star Wars perks were had.  

The weekend hasn't been without challenges here and there, nothing that Love & Logic skills couldn't handle.  In trying to keep it simple we overlooked a couple of things that were pretty important to Miss Monkey, namely singing the Birthday Song and blowing out candles.  We're still rookies in a certain sense when it comes to her, it's rather difficult to keep up with her expectations discerning which are truly important and which are red herrings.  As it turned out, those two items were non-negotiable, though everything else she listed about her day as not ideal weren't necessary.

Next weekend the Younger will have her birthday slightly occluded by her elder sister's first CARA gymnastics meet, otherwise it's business as usual.  I am starting to feel some real pressure to have certain items on hand before relaxing into the birthing process---like peanut butter, toilet paper, and frozen foods.  I am so ready to have this babe in arms rather than pummeling my innards, causing physical discomfort and effectively handicapping me.  Ideally, I'd like to have the entire house in proper order, but I'm realistic.  I've already wiped down a majority of the house as we moved in, no worries there.  Getting other things ready, however, has been a challenge as I feel I can't do anything until, but then there are To-Do's that must be done before.  I need a place for baby to sleep (when not with us in bed), a few items for the baby to wear, and a couple of swaddling blankets. The diapers are all collected and clean, ready to use.  Though I have to figure out a mattress and bedding for it, the crib is in house.  For myself, I'd like my sling, nursing cover, nursing bra or two, and an UnderCover Mama.....and maybe one or two other things that will come up as needs inevitably do.  

So it goes, so it beautifully goes.  I am so blessed, I am so grateful.

Such A day...

...Was yesterday, difficult to the max, and although slightly ill, I
handled myself very well up until a belligerent eldest child made
terrible threats during her emotional drunk in the afternoon.
Grateful it passed, we reconciled, and talked about it, all is well
again. There's a pattern there, few and far between, but still a
pattern that can be avoided....praying guidance on How.

Today we awoke to snow. Another spring dowsing, and it continued all
day. After dropping The Younger of the Two at the CEC I was treated
to the final chapter of Houndsley & Catina while I enjoyed a cup of
tea. Then we had fun with our Morning Lesson and got thoroughly
involved with organizing all the previous work we've done. Quite
gratifying to see how far she's come and all the material we've
covered. She's yet to choose work for her final good book or binder,
and I'm excited to see what she chooses.

Whipped up a killer tomato soup, with grilled cheese of course,
followed by quiet time for all. Wiped some more walls down moved some
lighter objects around, and standard housework with some help from
small people amidst their caring for new baby stuffed bunnies.

Aside from maneuvering around The Belly---becoming quite the nuisance,
I'm attempting to remain present and enjoy this, The Last One---An
utterly enjoyable day.

I am so grateful, I am so blessed.

I stole your basketball.

Rollin' up on 36 weeks. So excited to meet this person!

Another Spring Day

There's snow outside again.  Colorado springtime means fat snowflakes fluffing all over my truck.  Frenetic behavior of the weather one never knows if it'll be snow boots or Toms---I remember being so confused our first spring here.  So, we've been installed in the house for little more than a week.  The kitchen is mostly in place, and other rooms are falling into order around that hub.  But only barely falling into order.  There are boxes that won't be unpacked until the walls are painted, or there are shelves and cubbies to store items. Some boxes are such low priority I don't expect to see them until Christmas.  The floors turned out beautifully, and though the fumes were almost unbearable for a few days (for me), it's been lovely getting accustomed to the gentle distinctive creaks.  There is much work to be done improving the place, The Man has all kinds of plans and ideas.  He's alternately infuriated and excited about his self-described "new toy".  I imagine he's somewhat stressed out with the very idea of owning outright considering he's the bread winner right now.  With me rolling around, nearly ready to pop, I'm not much use when it comes to unpacking.  I can really only point and direct boxes to their proper and logical locations.  

I've only just today started to check in on supplies for Baby.  Really beginning to feel a bit of mental pressure to prepare.  Shockingly, when I sorted through the outsized/seasonal item bin, I found only four gender neutral items that would work for an infant. FOUR.  Two short-sleeve onesies (one stained but wearable), and two pair of overalls.  The rest of the items were iddy-biddy dresses for 18m little girl, and a few bigger-girl items I handed immediately to Miss monkey to distribute.  Gratefully diapers are totally taken care of, though I'd probably do well to get a shortlist together including newborn onesies and a few newborn pre-folds.  Then there are bigger ticket items that will postpone easily enough (Ergo carrier), or those I need to retract from friends, sadly.  All will come together though and in due time.

In the mean time,  here's a mandala that Miss Monkey designed and colored of her own accord.

F 2013 April

Just One Spring Morning

The Elder of The Two didn't want to wake pleasantly, or at all, this morning, and I refused to hang around trying to convince her otherwise.  Then began the slamming of doors.

So, I devised a training session.  The Younger of The Two and I would walk across to Starbucks, get some brunchy fun snacks.  The Elder missed out.

When we came back, Miss Monkey was lamentable and tragic as expected.  I empathized with her though she would accept none of it.  She got it in her head to go on her own.  She grabbed her money, donned her Easter shoes and headed down the sidewalk.

And *gasp* I didn't follow her.  Breathe. Pray. Repeat.  Not that I could follow in my gravid state, to engage would've created a physical altercation, in which I am unwilling to participate.  

She made it as far as the intersection (50 yds or so), hung around the fence line.  I could see her, though she didn't see me.  And I have it that she was looking to see who would follow.

She returned to change her shoes, left again in an entitled huff.  Made it just as far, returned again to tell me how I'm a Terrible Mother, and jogged back toward her ultimate goal again. This last time she was gone for almost 20 minutes.  20 loooong Mommy Minutes.  

I phoned everyone who knows Love & Logic....because what's next?  I even considered stretching my resources to instill a big scare from the Police, kinda grateful it didn't come to that.

When I began the phone call to a retired neighbor in our ex-townhouse unit, asking if he would take a walk and let me know where he spotted her, there she came walking from t'other direction back to Miss J's.  Her attitude hadn't much improved, but the door slamming wasn't quite as vehement.  

She never made it to Starbucks.  Knowing exactly where she was safe, she never crossed the road. (grateful mommy)  My guess, she stuck pretty close in to the Townhomes she's become so familiar with these past 2.5 years (grateful again).

perpetrator of drama

There will be a conversation later today, maybe tomorrow latest, regarding the situation without a total rehash lecture.  It's been a challenge with the upheaval of moving and the uncertainty of when we'll be in our house.  I'm so very very thankful for the skills I've gained parenting, I didn't engage, I didn't lose my temper, I used all my L&L phrases + empathy.  

I let her work it out and saw evidence that we've done right thus far.  She knew her limits, and was entrusted with them, and entrusted that she'd work it out and return, which she did. Some part of me knew that she would.  *momma relieved sigh* 

Now, to get on with the day.  Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day!

The witness, who fell out of a chair &
was scratched severely by Porter (she insists on getting in his face)
during the whole fiasco.

Week In, Week Out

The last week of March I spent in a low-grade-fever-haze of coughing, hacking, peeing, and packing the house.  I would never, ever wish that on any woman. Ever.  Somehow I've attracted an impressively busy situation yet again, it seems that when we're in a state of change it can't be simple.  

So, I released Miss Monkey (and myself) from all her homeschool obligations 'cause it was just too too daunting a task to add into packing.  The girls spent their days mostly indoors (sad) simply playing among the chaotic stacks of stuff in/out of boxes.  They made it play though, with collages, mommy-baby doll outings, and lots of other imaginative play.

Mid-week there was a crisis from a mistake I made in a quasi-feverish, pregnant haze while half asleep early the morning before movers were to arrive.  Which moving company called to confirm and pre-authorize our card?  I found out a bit later it was the wrong moving company.  I spent a few hours in a panic, coughing and crying at some random grocery until the situation mostly resolved.

The right movers came, we hauled most clothing and food to Miss J's basement---we are blessed with yet another beneficent lady opening her home to us.  Expecting up to a 3 week stay in a frenetic Rocky Mountain spring creates logistical packing nightmare.  Installed at her place I can rest after the townhouse had been cleaned.  Incredibly grateful for momma friends who cared to come help for a few hours at a time.

Then Easter, we spent at church, simple egg hunt, and dinner with our hostess....and short stints of napping that I might really begin healing the illness I'd been fighting.

The first week of April we spent in some discussion regarding the land lady's apparent resistance to returning our deposit.  Part of me wants to give her a seriously insulting, possibly profanity laced, piece of my mind....the Higher Conscious part of me knows that it's sad she mayn't have the money, it's even sadder that maybe she feels a need to lie, grasp, and live in sustained personal fear.  Part of me wants to take her to small claims court, t'other part knows that it might use more resources than it would provide.  And so we await her decision.  As I type that, I've some visceral irritation at being beholden to someone whom I, we, trusted. I suppose the hurt I'm experiencing is from betrayal, because that's what it is, a betrayal of our efforts and of our honesty.  Then I pray it out, give a heavy sigh, and let go....again and again.

As we settled back into our routine here at Miss J's, the little girls mostly adjusted, but obviously would prefer we were at home.  As it turned out the tenant, when really threatened with proper eviction proceedings, bailed earlier than expected.  The Floor Guys have been working at our house for almost a week, and we expect to camp out in stocking-feet by Friday!  The movers are back to add furniture the following day, and I'll be setting up proper household for the next few days weeks months....but without a prospect that we'll have to move in a year or two, it's much more comforting.  It'll be some hyper-nesting happening as we approach the month of due date for Baby.

I'm proud to notice my growth during this process.  Accepting what I couldn't change, allowing the Littles to be little without expectations, and accepting help when it was offered.  Really, that last bit is incredible.  It takes a lot of growth to show vulnerability, to acknowledge that I need it and to accept help when it's offered.  Watch me grow! 

Miracles are simply the unburying and the 

unleashing of God's already-given good.

- Dr. Roger W. Teel

Hapai the Third

This has been almost fun, definitely easy.  Now that we're in the last trimester I've become fairly encumbered with the basketball I'm smuggling, my feet have receded beyond my view, hard to tie my shoes while standing, discomforting other symptoms only mitigated with horizontal rest and exceptional diet, hunger resultant of my cardio activity has been foremost almost every moment, heartburn is becoming a more consistent daily experience, and my innards are really beginning to be tenderized with this little person's antics.

Dieta change? or different gender?  We won't know until the New Person arrives toward the end of May.  The systems check indicated all is definitely well as development is concerned thus far.  I recognize my pregnancies with the girls, differing slightly, had more in common than either experience with this pregnancy. Notes: no serious continual food aversions; actually forgetting for an instant here and there that I am pregnant, thinking I need to hit the gym in a bad way, up until recently as my rotund shape does not allow me to forget; 'morning' sickness was wholly tied into my choice for breakfast (before it was like an all day hangover), my husband has not said to me "you smell different"; even church acquaintances notice that I'm carrying differently than with E, more forward and less outward, I haven't gained as much weight this time, definitely associated with diet.  I feel really good most of the time, other than bodily fatigue, all is well.  If this is what subsequent pregnancies will be like, I could totally do this again---although I'm not especially game to put the strain on my body.  Really happy with the age difference between E and the New One, allowing my body to heal completely, regain muscle tone, and there's a decent gap for E before her world changes drastically.  F is totally into the whole idea of being Biggest Sister. She's excited to help both with E's transition to sisterhood and getting hands-on with the infant, and she's already forming a bond with the baby, still announcing to everyone that mayn't have noticed the obvious right away, "my Mom's pregnant!"

Meditation while pregnant (M.w.P) is interesting, when I get still for a bit of time there's extra kicking & squirming.  I skipped my spring class (SOMAS 601), even though I'd've enjoyed getting it finished, I really just wanted to do the class alone, and that's impossible until Fall.  Besides, with the move happening I wasn't willing to add yet another activity to our already very busy schedule.

Content, happy, healthy, harmonious, and excited to meet this New Person!

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Day 26 (Today, Tuesday)
up early, eating very well, though not early enough to get my rhythm in before kiddos awake
20 Stair dancing
10 yoga
10 meditation
gratitude,giggles,happy work for LOViNTee

Day 25 (Mon)
purposeful and productive with housework, amidst morning lesson, and prepping for launch to afternoon activities
doc appt for me and ultrasound for baby (all is well, no we don't look for gender)
laughin' in a maternity suit, tolerating overcrowded indoor pool for the sake of my children, random act kindness? possibly.
eating very well except for that blasted sugar drink for the diabetes test---blechk
dropped a note of thanks on our new friend/landlady's door
to sleep early

Day 24 (Sun)
short meditation with 1000 good friends
hangin' out laughing at the church
thoroughly enjoyed a bit of Downton Abbey catch-up
eating well, water good

Simply Be Grateful

I've made gratitude lists here several times before (label gratitude).

Seeing this post by Finding Joy I think I'll participate in a blessings list...stream of consciousness style.

Soothing music gifted to us by Dear Friend M, Elizabeth Mitchell...aiding currently the explosive reaction by The Firstborn when she made a couple of poor decisions that kept her from shopping with Papa tthis morning...cinnamon bananas that the Second is stubbornly refusing to eat after requesting them....stubborn-ness or better put tenacious aspects of both these children, successful people are determined in some form or other...consequences, no matter how terrible the reaction seems at the moment, the lessons learned now will benefit future decision making, my kids aren't happy all the time because they live in this real world, that's a blessing....Love & Logic that has given me tools to use, helped me better understand my own issues with empathy and love, and lead me into my more authentic parenting style....their little dollars wasted on crap candy, a lesson in and of itself when both girls decided the didn't like the candy....berries are a blessing in every sweet bite...glu-free flour for morning waffles with maple syrup...smarter eating, especially considering my pregnant state....blessing of healthy children, healthy pregnancy, healthy friendships, healthy marriage, healthy harmonious and happy existence....blessing of community relationships thickened in the past 6 years, a sense of belonging is priceless....deeper learning about my own reactions and responses that I can ferret out and understand any ideas of separation, limitation, and fear that linger....

Saturday Daddy day projects with papa...recovery time on the stairs for little people....new blender (the Ninja died).... kale + blueberry + almond milk + greens + protein powder = goodgreengratitudes....but then mixed frozen berries + greens + protein + pomegranate juice = detox wonderful....and 'cause I have to, the choco monkey = dark chocolate almond milk + frozen bananas + peanut butter (+ protein)....

{most of this appears to be about food, well I am pregnant, and it's coming up on lunchtime}

little girls giggling....yogurt smiles...berry "roll-ups" for breakfast, invented by the Firstborn....Rosetta Stone Spanish...toddler voices in the grocery exclaiming "OH, SHELLS!" regarding (pi)'stacios, and asking so sweetly, "mama, can we have deez wittle wed t'ings, puh-wease?" (raspberries)....watching little brains make new connections & myelination....learning to teach is a blessing, making my own new myelinations....weather days....situations and circumstances that strengthen us individually and as a family....my husband, lover, provider, funny-man, father, trekker on this adventure....beatrix potter story books....firm parenting resolve....distractions....nonsensical silly things....fun....purple tutus first thing in the morning...prioritizing, maturity, love....

creativity, inspiration, and dreams....generousity (receiving and giving)....peanut butter....hummus....chubby little wrists, and marshmallow fists....baby kicks...pickles, pizza, and cheeseburgers....hot & cold running water, indoor plumbing, on-demand heat & cooling, choices of foods to nourish our bodies all blessings....

....my ability to notice a blessing is, in and of itself, a blessing.

Begin the Move Again

Day 3 of home stay due to some smaller person having a fever. So, to review, that's: a cold of some sort between the two of them, a mercifully quick & mild tummy bug, then a really high fever + headache/cough lite congestion for the younger then the elder.  One day they have no fever, then 102+, it's kinda weird.

I am healthy, and grateful for it, rather refusing this bout for myself.  I disinfected the house yesterday.  Every surface within reach of small hands was wiped with my preferred solution, including & not limited to light switches, door jams & counter tops.

More packing done. I can actually be grateful that I'm really good at it, as I've moved more than a dozen times in my life since moving out of childhood home, and efficiency is key.  

Weeks before hand, begin with an area a day. Items in storage, re-organize, consolidate, re-box, and stage. 

In the living spaces, start with knick-knack items, decor, books, and photographs (I've consolidated all the wall photos, etc. to one area for now).

Any clothing in storage (regular clothes in my current case), use [one of many] bags/suitcases to pack ready-to-move.

Rotate to packing items in the kitchen and hobby/play rooms that aren't essential, i.e. craft bins, fabric bins, baking pans, fancy dishes and platters---anything in cabinets that only gets use once a month or less.

Label everything with quality masking tape and sharpie (preferred method).  I've a memory for a lot of things, however, if something is in a box for more than a month I'll question whether it existed at all when I suddenly miss it.

some bins we've had for years

The best part of moving?  Culling through what one doesn't need.  I actually really enjoy and appreciate the process to minimalize belongings.  Things that used to hold such importance, no longer do.  I've honed a skill, the skill of examining items for their worth to me.  

Will this be important by this time next year?  Out of all the art work my girls turn out, which one will I really remember, yield the past pleasure of their little-ness, in 30 years? (and then gauge their interest in keeping it---has it been on the playroom floor for the past 2 months?)  

Have I worn this in the past year?  Will I be able to wear it within a year?  

Is this item worth transporting again?  Is this item worth continued storage?  (something I estimate with the girls' clothing, because anything I gauge worthy to pass on to the younger one must be stored for minimum 2 years before fitting)

Is this item necessary to my happy existence?  Well, no, really none of it is necessary stuff.  These photos, mementos, small objects brought by little hands....necessary? no.  But en-joy-able? yes.  Sentimentality has its place, though, applied to objects, if it ever gets in the way of my Self-Health or those relationships I have with those around me---well, no Thing is worth more than a relationship.

And if one is 7 months pregnant, don't fool around, lifting and moving boxes doesn't really have to be done right now.  Let someone else do it. Really, truly, remember to ask for help.

Atomic E

Yesterday, a visit at the coffee shop, then walk a few blocks to the GGB to hang and check out their diaper display.  It was a beautiful day, sunny, not too chilly, almost like spring.

We passed a playground on the way, I promised that we'd stop back by on our way to the vehicle.  Little did I know how looooong those few blocks would be when we exited the Giggling Green Bean.  The temperature had dropped since we'd gone in, and neither of us Mamas was appropriately prepared for the weather change.  We finally reach the mid-point of our trek, the playground, of course E has to visit it, I compromise by offering her 2 activities, she chooses the merry-go-round (fyi, not so merry now that speed governors of sorts have been introduced on them---what's the fun of a merry-go-round unless you can fall off with sick dizziness?) and the slide...and then my fun really begins.

She doesn't want to leave (of course, it's about to be snowing, and we've no coats, hats, mittens, gloves, bibs)...and she begins to wail and lament tragically.  At this point in the pregnancy it's not especially comfortable to carry a 35# toddler more than a block.

"I don' wanna leave!"

"I know, it's sad to leave the playground.  Do you need a hug?"

"NO!" {pause}  "I don' WANNA LEAVE!!"

"I know, I love you, " I keep walking, through the magic of continued motion and the use of "I know" she follows me.

repeat. repeat. repeat.

She stops, she's cold but unable to admit it.

"Do you need to be carried? or will you walk holding hands?" She needs to hold hands, she's tired and lagging behind enough that a hand will move her along, and I'm flingin'-flangin' COLD.  

I resort to "sack-o-potatoes" carry with her for half a block before she decides to walk on her own again.  Then the whole lament repeats, the carry or walk process repeats....the entire time she's wailing, caterwauling, yelling.  I comment aloud, "I'm not sure CPS heard you yet, could you yell louder?"  to which she hollers, "NO!!"

After our trek my friend and I bid a hasty good-bye, and load up our respective cars.

There was a decent enough nap, then a pick up, short down time, then back out to swimming and gymnastics.  As we left Miss Monkey at her 'nastics so I could bed down Monka-Doo, the latter went Atomic again.  This time I was beyond tired, and barely hanging on to sanity.  She became so belligerent as to accuse her shoes of doing wrong, she hates her coat, "it's make me ANGwee!"  I again sling her to the "sack-o-potatoes" carry to move from the rec center to the vehicle.  I'm not sure that the police vehicle sitting out front contained an officer but I'm grateful that if so, he/she must know what it is to be a momma on her last straw.  I'm almost 7 months pregnant, lugging a wailing 2.6 yo child through the parking lot in the snowy dark.

I stood outside my car for a few deep breaths.  I love snow, everything becomes so quiet, so peaceful, so beautiful.

And all the way home she hollered, between bouts of tragic crying, at the back of my head.  "Stop saying 'I know'!"or "Stop saying, 'maybe so'!" and "Weaving make me feewl ANGwee!  YOU STUPID!"  I'm grateful the metal water bottle she chucked my direction only met with the armrest, then only socks actually flew to the front seat.  This continued non-stop until I started reading a bedtime story, and picked right up again when I finished the book.

Always an Adventure. : )  Life really is tough at Two

Mommy Lost her Sh*t

I am not perfect, I have a wicked temper once my patience has worn out.  Emotions can be just as dangerous and addictive as any drug, and more subtly damaging to those around us in certain ways.  

It begins with a certain combination of occurrences, stresses that quietly pile up.  

Filing Chapter 13, we have to move within 3 months, pregnancy, baby due in a few more months and no outlet for small nesting instincts, frustration and confusion around stuff built up and resistance to culling it now because I'd rather when I start packing, prayer-meditation-meetings back-seated to other activities for those around me....an evening after a long (albeit successful) day, when he and I both just need a moment to ourselves, a screaming toddler awakened after she'd fallen asleep, we turn on each other...suddenly I'm feeling alone alone alone, with no help and no way out and some little belligerent person who will not got the f*ck to sleep!

So, yes, I utterly abandoned reason, and love, and hope for an hour or so.  It's a dark place that I'm un-accepting of its powerful existence, a Jungian mirror of my general upward spiral in consciousness.  

Is it okay that I lost my temper in front of my kids?  Most definitely, yes. Only because when we're all over the emotional compromise, back in a thinking state, we talk about it, we hug and make-up.  I admitted my defect, I use "I feel" statements, I talk about how I don't like behaving like that and I will do better.  

Some might say that I've completely thrashed all the progress I've made, I disagree.  One set-back does not a ruin make.  If I were mid-race and got a flat, they wouldn't make me begin again at the starting line.  The truth is I'm behaving worlds different than I might be if I hadn't done spiritual study, and worked it in the past 8 years.  I'm not excusing the behavior, but I'm allowing my humanity, my learning curve.  I could put on a hair shirt and self-flagellate for days, weeks, months, begging forgiveness reminding them of my terrible awful transgression....that however, is a teaspoon of self-esteem disguising a thousand pound ego.  I obviously need to be more vigilent, not less, around what I do for my Self.

Other ways to let angry energy out:  scribble/draw an angry picture, grounded scream, stomping, running, finding a lonely place and yelling, journaling, phoning someone to reason it out/cry/laugh aloud at our ineptitude some days.

Above all You are NOT alone.

"We should also erase the thoughts of yesterday that would rob us of today's happiness."    

SOM p.245

break it, learn from it, stitch it up, keep moving forward

Pregnant Once, Pregnant Twice, Pregnant Thrice

Yes, thrice, as in third, numero tres, troi.  

I knew before it was confirmed by doctor (of course), and had felt so good I wasn't sure I was correct except for that big missing red flag.  Interesting though how my mind might try and trick me just because I hadn't had "a professional" tell me what my body (and spirit) already knew.

One morning totally random dry heaving...mentioned to The Man, who, while in shock and some periodic discomforting disbelief, handled it in stride.  I was in some denial as well because of this surprise, but the signs were unmistakable.  Eventually, we made it to an OB appointment to chat with Doc and have a quickie ultrasound to peek-a-boo everything is in perfect order (per usual).  There was some discussion about "advanced maternal age" which is some quasi-arbitrary standard by which the medical establishment appears to push more testing and fear into pregnant momma minds.  We said, thank you and NO thank you, to that fear based mindset, all is well, and will continue to be so.

Miss Monkey is totally excited, loudly announcing and re-re-announcing to everyone we know, and trying sometimes to get strangers to ask after the subject by petting and hugging an kissing my newly (barely) protruding belly.  That was a short while go, now I'm fully into "beer gut" phase---the phase when, to the unpracticed youthful eye it looks like I've been hanging around keggers for a few months too long.  

Toddleator E is somewhat aware of what's happening mostly due to her big sister's example.  Both The Man & I have remarked that it's almost as if she knew she was a middle well before this occurrence  she's exceedingly silly and innocently sweet (most especially when her sister is misbehaving).   I am intermittently concerned about her adjustment this spring, but know that that is out of my hands mostly.  I will simply do my best to be present with her in some simple ritual every day (like naptime has become).

Another word for God is "SURPRISE!" and we are so blessed I can't be grateful enough.  Another spring time baby, our timing must be a little off though as this one seems to be slated for late May rather than early---I'll have to take this up with The Man. 

Happy Day!

:  )  A

Mysticism of Motherhood, from My Experience

This is a project/talk I did for Science of Mind & Spirit Class: Practical Mysticism, please comment, let me know what you think.

“Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.” (Thackeray)   Apparently, there is little history of spiritual leaders and teachers discussing motherhood.  Not surprising as most of the female mystics were nuns of one sort or another, certainly not having children. With the overtly paternal nature of most religious traditions is obvious why mothers haven't been "on the mystic scene" much at all.

The first time I became pregnant I violently regained control of my life. The pattern of ruthless control repeated the second time, with somewhat more emotional trauma as I understood more closely what I was doing.  I was denying the divine touch in my life.  Denying any possibility of growth and change, my decisions firmly rooted in fear. 

I met my husband and we decided time was right…but with babies even “ready” still isn’t Ready.  Because how does one really prepare for a miracle?

When my first daughter was an infant I was struck one afternoon with a vision of infinity stretching from behind me through to her and beyond, as if two mirrors faced each other.  We were connected as we are all connected. I fell to my knees and cried.  Whenever I feel the quickening of purest love for my daughters’ personhood here, that is essence of God-love. 

The mechanics of conception, development and birth are explicable to a point.  Two irreducibly complex cells come together to form a zygote, then an embryo, and a fetus, eventually a baby.  But the soul, the spirit that comes with that unique combination is INexplicable.  It is miraculous.  In my experience, that new life is proof of union of spirit and in that is the union of the great I AM miraculously re-created.  What he and I have given them will be within them always, but they are at once the genetic progeny + the environmental progeny + something more.  It is that something more that confounds and is mystical by its very existence. 

With my pregnancies I felt (although undefined) a certain unmistakable growth spiritually as well as physically.  My first was a traumatic level of surrender to something larger than myself, loss of what control I imagined.  My second was somewhat easier as I knew essentially what to expect, but the growth still happens, over and over and over again, I learn lesson after lesson.  Parenting classes and introspection have been my timely guides, absolutely necessary when faced with a miniature mirror of my self.  Ultimately it all boils down to love, and love melting into love.  I never guessed I could love with such utter abandon, throw myself totally into self-improvement that I might better embody what I want for my children. 

“God knows more about love, care, forgiveness, in one second than the best mother that ever lived knew in a lifetime.  And if mothers can love and forgive and care and be tender, try to imagine what the nature of God is.” (TFOM p.134)  I couldn’t imagine that nature, not until I became a momma.  I’ve experience heart-rending epiphanies about human kind, our love, hate, fear, jealousies, and more—but mostly our love for one another.  I remember being astounded to recognize that all mothers love their children the way I love mine, albeit with differing actions.   I recall (more recently) the predilection to be drawn into the “Mommy Wars” where personal discernments turn judgments upon others—we mommies sometimes forget our commonalities.  I remember realizing all at once that god- love is like a child’s love for a parent, it never runs out, never changes, never dissipates, it is constant to the core of constancy regardless of behaviors.   I recognized in the throes of learning to mother, I wasn’t sure I could accept this amount of love, I wasn’t sure I was I worth this Love. 

Coming to terms again and again, leads me into newer areas of personal growth to assure that this relational love remains healthy, intact as a sounding board for all future relationships.  With my Momma role, I have had to balance my needs versus theirs, with balance came the in depth search for my identity beneath “mommy”.  I’ve learned to prioritize my energy use toward particular pursuits, though I’ve yet to reach an ideal, I know I’ve time to learn.  Managing my pursuits, those of my children, balancing all this in a basic 24 hour daily cycle has been the most interesting challenge.  Spiritually speaking I’ve matured more in the past 6.5 years than I had in the previous 28, I’ve mommydom to thank for that.

A few lovely, thought provoking quotes:

• Judaism finds "motherhood" in both its abstract notion of generativity and its more intimate motif of caretaking to be a compelling vehicle for understanding and relating to God.

• “A woman may also give birth to her own creative work, in which she has had to plumb her own depth as a woman and labor to bring it forth. The work comes out of her and draws from her talents and experience, and yet it has its own life.”

• “Our children bring to our lives an abundance of special moments: their birth, their first smile, their first word, starting school. But caught up in a fast-flowing stream of thoughts we miss so many of the more everyday moments and, indeed, the potential for every moment we spend with our children to be special. Awake to the depth and texture of the present, we open ourselves to appreciate and enjoy them more.”

• “How often I felt my failure to enact boundless compassion and immeasurable patience. Through becoming a mother I irrevocably lost the realm where compassion for all beings is visualized from a retreat cabin….Gradually, however….I began to see mothering as a great practice opportunity….As I cooked in the cauldron of motherhood, the incredible love I felt for my children opened my heart and brought me a much greater understanding of universal love. It made me understand the suffering of the world much more deeply. This has been an important thread for me, both as a practitioner and as a human being.”

• Creating (including procreation) is a yang or outward-moving aspect of the 2nd chakra, while intuition is a yin or inward-moving one. While for intuition we absorb energy or ‘data’ into our energy bodies (which is partly pulled in by the centripetal nature of our 2nd chakra), while creating a life, a painting, or composition, or anything else, we push it out into the world, apart from us.

Thanks to

http://mommymystic.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/the-spirituality-of-motherhood-lessons-from-the-real-masters/

http://ejmmm2007.blogspot.com/2008/04/divine-mother-in-israel-shekhina.html

for quotes and additional inspiration.

Babies All Around

It seems a few of my contemporaries are all pregnant or recently have had babies.  I'm inspired today to write my [very] short list of absolute must haves for The Newborn.  These are items that I simply had to have the second time around as they worked so well:

• car seat, a.k.a. baby bucket
•  Maya Wrap ring sling
•  Ergo Baby Carrier with infant insert
•  Over size baby blankets (at least 1.5 yd fabric, see super blankets, those little "receiving blankets" I found as useless as paper napkins, but can be great burp cloths)
•  L'oved Baby Nursing Cover
•  Ju-Ju Be Pack-a-Be (really any of their bags are superfantastic, I'm a back-pack girl though)
•  Rocky Mountain One-size pocket diapers
•  prefold diapers + Blueberry, SweetPea, or RumpaRooz one-size wraps
• 1 dozen cloth wipes (minimum, no liquid solution, you can wet them as needed)
•  Dreft powder and a sunny clothesline
• Several sizes & styles of Simple Onesies (fancy clothes = difficult to launder clothes)
• 1 hat (including the one from the hospital, 2 is enough to keep track of)
• Sun hat for a short time later when Little begins to hold up head
• few socks---be sure to have a plan for the wash (mine was safety pins) and just know & understand they will get lost...find yourself stressing about tiny socks & hats? let it go, baby really only needs you
• co-sleeper bassinet with linens, unless baby is in your bed.  why co-sleep?  look here.

ANYthing else you (or others) think you need can wait. That said, know this; only your baby and you can decide what is best for you both. Also, remember the wisdom of uncertainty, this is a dynamic state, as soon as you think you're comfortable something will change.  

Babies can't focus, so toys for newborns are silly. Babies spit up and poop a LOT, fancy clothes are totally impractical no matter how *cute*. A Baby needs only you, your voice, your scent, your bodily noises, your face, your closeness. You are perfectly enough just as you are.

“It is no small thing, when they, who are so fresh from God, love us. ” 

― Charles Dickens

Baby E in her SuperBlanket ~ > 2 years ago
she still loves these blankets, large enough for towel

Hair today

Pulling my hair out, by the handful it seems...because it's too easy right now. This is phase two of postpartum, when hormone withdrawal truly sets in making for roller coaster days here and there and my hair ends up in and on everything.

Recently, post shower--woo-hoo! a full shower!--as I'm pulling my wayward hair from the comb, the drain, the floor of the bathroom, preparing the perennial ponytail. Miss Monkey asks what I'm doing.

"Well, my hair is falling out. It's what happens to most mamas after having a baby."

Big eyed, "It's not ALL gonna fall out is it?"

"Heh, no, honey, when I was pregnant I didn't lose any hair the whole time, and now that I've had the baby my body is sort of 'catching up' with the hair it was supposed to lose."

I pause, at this point it's unwise to complicate the explanation further. The data definitely goes in, it sticks, and is regurgitated when I least expect it, in the oddest situations and usually for complete strangers.

Baby E's hair has changed considerably, also, her newborn straight trading for an auburn-blonde fuzz. She's definitely more baby than squishysoft-humalien. Cradle cap was an issue for a little while, which I hadn't dealt with before. "They" say not to pick at it--damn near impossible not too 'cause the little crusty head is right below my chin most of the time, plus we are primates.

To remedy, I took an expired natural, soft, toothbrush of the firstborn's and some Johnson's Baby (contains citric acid) and after a couple of good scubby shampoos it's cleared up nicely.

On another note Miss Monkey, after cutting her hair, again, and then my poor attempts to remedy it with bangs--which turned out okay, she can pull it off 'cause she's 4--anyway, she's got a killer cute cut now, "rockstar" as a friend said. Though I know bangs and shorter hair are more maintenance it seems to be a good fit with her particular hair growth.
Rock on.