SOMAS 601
Week 4 Hmk
Wherein
I discuss my revelations about my fears.
I used to fear what people thought
about me, I used to worry about interactions for days upon days. Now that worry is reserved for interactions
with people I respect and hold dear. Interestingly I’ve never worried or been
fearful of not receiving [insert item/goal here].
I’m fearful of success, success in
every area of my life. Success in parenting, success with endeavors to create
monetary wealth, success with treatment and demonstration, success with
relationship maturation, success with my ideas….so I make little mental and
material distractions to keep me from achieving success, mostly rooted in
questioning my worthiness of crazy blinding success. I am successful though if I follow what RW
Emerson wrote.
When I’m a great parent I’ve got to
keep acting in a compassionate and loving way all the time, even when I’m sick
and tired of them all. I’ve been surrendering to the moments a lot more lately.
When I’m successful with my ideas,
I’ve got to be accountable and represent myself and my idea with
integrity. There’ll be more work to do and I’m unsure of my
tenuous maturity in this new area of adulthood to handle it all.
When I’m successful with mediation
and prayer, and demonstrations occur, my faith will deepen immeasurably and my
convictions to live this path may lead me to an area that I’m completely
terrified to admit I might be talented with. I’m afraid to be that bright,
worried I’ll leave some behind when I’d rather take everyone with me because
every single consciousness occurring here has that beautiful wondrous
potential—why should I be special? (ego doesn’t discern the difference between
transformation and death, no?) but then why shouldn’t I?
If my husband and I are to cleave
together we need continuous growth. Thus far we’ve been through fits and starts
of spiritual growth, honing each other into better living—of course parenting
is a major part of that growth, children really force us to examine ourselves.
So, I’ve been releasing
distractions of all manner and size that have kept me from my perceived success
and my material success. Some are small
mental blocks subtle broken records, others are real distractions I toss in the
way to add a tinge of emergency to anything I’m working on. Removing these, I’ve noticed a great success with my prioritizing and time
management, I’ve gotten a lot done and been more present doing it. I’ve felt greater compassion around not
completing household work or slips in my parenting style, been much more present
and understanding with my girls. And I’m
attempting to work with a friend to get a business plan together that I will
pitch to a group deciding the fate of a nearby property.
And yet it is interesting that
yesterday, attending church solo with two in tow (third was ill and at home
with The Man) I was so high, and exuberant
about life in all its glorious forms and relations. I am here, I love being a momma, I am loving
this adventure—why not? Any thought to the contrary is just silly static that
has no place in my positive sphere. There was not a thing that would deter me from
that space, I love my life, it is so good.
And today happened, with glitter loosed and migrating unauthorized
around the house, a non-napping baby, and a three year old thoroughly in
tantrum mode, I slid sideways somewhat. However I witnessed, the whole debacle, and avoided calamity. I felt the wave pass, lifted me, carried me a
short way, instead of struggling I let it go, and had my feet on the sand
again.
Today is a good day to begin again.
“To laugh
often and much;to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of
children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of
false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the
world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed
social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have
lived.
This is to
have succeeded.”
Ralph Waldo
Emerson